I may have siblings
that have no idea I exist, and vice versa.

In fact, my biological father doesn't know I exist.

Maybe somewhere out there, I've got a brother or sister, nephews or nieces I'm completely unaware of.

My mother came to me a few years ago, upon splitting-up with my 'dad', and broke the news that this guy I'd seen as my father, wasn't my father after all.

Have any other b3tans recieved essential genetic information after the age of 25? It can come as a bit of a shock, I can tell you.

Mum's been next to useless on the matter to be honest. All I have to go on are a pretty generic name - Martin Shaw - the town he hailed from in 1975 and the fact he had a thing for Jaguar cars.

I came to terms with the fact that my parents are fuckups a long time ago. But I've never managed to get past the idea that my real dad is out there, completely unaware of my existence, or that of his granddaughter.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 31 Dec 2008, 22:24, 13 replies)

that sucks
but surely, in this day and age of online stalking (er, people-searching) sites, you'd be able to find him?
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Thu 1 Jan 2009, 2:15, closed)

Yeah
I only have internet on my phone... yes, that's very backwards.

New connection coming soon so this is an option. Someone very kindly linked me to a torrent of the UK lookup database so I'll be checking that first.

I've had a few attempts with google and Facebook but struck out.

One day.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 1 Jan 2009, 7:38, closed)

he's
in the professionals, and judge john deed. The most rudimentary googling tuned this up.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 1 Jan 2009, 12:36, closed)

Yeah that's the guy.
Daddy!

I actually spent a short while studying his features to see if we might bear resemblance. Maybe. But I think he's a couple of years too old.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 1 Jan 2009, 14:48, closed)

damn
thought i'd cracked it. Damn you google.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 1 Jan 2009, 18:39, closed)

Your story sounds too much like my nephew.
His mother STILL hasn't told him that the man who raised him isn't his biological father.......the kid is almost 20.

But for him, his biological father does know about him. My sister left him for the guy she ended up marrying and asked him to sign away his paternal rights. Then the step-dad adopted him. But they never told the kid about the adoption or the bio-father.

I think it is wrong, but it isn't my kid and I don't have to lead her life.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Fri 2 Jan 2009, 3:34, closed)

It's tricky
Obviously I'd have preferred to have known my entire life - I have a friend who's adopted and it's always been made clear to her that's the case. That way, it wouldn't have come as such a shock when she finally did tell me. She said that she was going to tell me when I was sixteen, then eighteen, then twenty-one, but life kept getting in the way.

My instant thought when I read your response was 'They shouldn't tell him!' but I know that's not the right response, just the emotional one. When I was told, something shifted in my brain, some biological imperative to recover and discover that missing 50% of my heritage. It almost felt like the final piece of the jigsaw fell into place, although I know that'll happen when I find him.

So my advice would be, if they think if could handle it, he should know. And the sooner the better.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 2 Jan 2009, 6:19, closed)

I'm curious.
I ask this in a spirit of genuine inquiry: does it matter all that much?

I mean: one would expect that one's social parents would do everything that a parent would do - with the added assurance that you are with them because they wanted you (which is something about which we genetic kids can never entirely sure: tipsy accidents will happen, after all...). The genetic link simply tells you how you got there.

Of course, there might in principle be genetic illnesses about which you might want to know - but, in reality, people don't seem all that bothered about them. The asymptomatic stuff might go undetected. The symptomatic stuff, if treatable, will be treated; if untreatable stuff doesn't make you any worse off. There's a small risk of you having kids with your sister - but, in all fairness, it's not the end of the world if that happens. Chances are that it'd make no difference overall.

So: speaking as someone who genuinely doesn't know, but who is interested (partly for professional reasons, partly not): why is genetic parenthood (regarded as) important?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 2 Jan 2009, 11:14, closed)

I think when your made of half of someone elses genetic makeup....
You just want to know what that person is like. What aspects of your personality you get from them or what character flaws. It's also a kind of affirmation when you can say, 'well I'm prone to lethargy or short temperament because I get it from my dad or mum'.

That's what I think anyway.
( girlinthehole, Fri 2 Jan 2009, 14:16, closed)

I don't think it does matter
My dad never knew who his biological father was, but due to the fact that his mum married when he was 8, and the man who brought him up was a great father to him (and remains so) he has never felt the need to seek out the identity of his real dad. I think the key for No3l is the fact that he has never had a set of stable parents, and therefore has a desire to find someone who might provide that security for him.

I may be talking bollocks here, feel free to correct me No3l....
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Fri 2 Jan 2009, 15:24, closed)

That's how I read it.
My own initial thought is that the quality of the parenting counts far more than the identity of the gene donor...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 2 Jan 2009, 16:04, closed)

The way I explained it to someone earlier this week
is that it seemed to throw a switch, mentally. There seems to be something imperative in finding out if the man is still alive, and where he is.

I hear what you're saying folks, honestly. But half of my genetics and heritage is completely unknown to me, and my inquisitive nature implores me to find out just those simple facts - is he still alive and if so, where is he?

I've not decided whether to try to contact him if I can find him. Just that I want to find him.

I've been on a massive journey, psychologically, over the past few years. Now I'm well on the way to recovery, this is one of things I feel capable of tackling - I've put it off for almost eight years cos I've not had the capacity to cope
with either success or failure.

(Christ, I could talk about this all night :)

MM could be right. On reflection, the instability of my parental influence may well be driving my motives for finding my biological father. I considered the hereditary disease line when I first heard the news, and decided I don't really care too much. Of course, it'd be interesting to know if my recent start of a widow's peak in from his side of the family, but it's not necessary.

So what makes knowledge of his location and existence so different?

I think, if I did find him, that would at least give me the option of getting in touch. As I said, that's not necessarily what's going to happen, but it'd be nice to have the choice.

I think I may have just trivialised things a bit. To sum up, it feels important, to me at least, therefore it is.

Hope that blabber makes sense :)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sat 3 Jan 2009, 23:14, closed)

Yes, I too received that kinda revelation...
...when aged 17(ish), and then again at 34.

trust no one; there are lies everywhere.
(EffinDoubt is breaking glass on, Fri 2 Jan 2009, 16:59, closed)