Sick jokeathon..
This bloke asked me to take part in a charity run, so I said "piss off, no chance" and he said "arr, go on mate it's for blind and spastic kids", and I thought Fuck it, I could win this...
(The spankster, Fri 30 Dec 2005, 4:53, Reply)

Doctor joke
A man goes to pick up his sick wife's results from the doctors. When he gets there the doctor tells him that unfortunately there has been a clerical error and his wife's results have been mixed up with someone else's.
"Your wife either has Alzheimers or Aids" says the doctor sadly and the poor husband is gutted. "What should I do Doc?" asks the husband. "Well drive her about 10 miles out of town and she finds her way back, don't fuck her".
Niiiiccceeee.........
(The spankster, Fri 30 Dec 2005, 4:49, Reply)

Ashamed to say this is mine...
Q. How many Jews does it take to fit a shower?

A. We don't know yet, they kept going in but none of them came out.
(PsychoticSock, Thu 29 Dec 2005, 23:40, Reply)

Epileptics
What do you have when an epileptic has a seizure in a cabbage patch?

A Seizure Salad.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 29 Dec 2005, 19:18, Reply)

Helps if you know the Mormon's
What do you call a group of spacks, singing Christmas Carols, eating an apple and drinking the softdrink "Tab"?

The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 29 Dec 2005, 19:16, Reply)

Black Women
Why do black women wear high heels?

To keep their knuckles from dragging.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 29 Dec 2005, 19:01, Reply)

Frogs
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

"They're right, we DO taste like chicken!"
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 29 Dec 2005, 18:56, Reply)

When I was an Altar Boy...
...we had a newly ordained Priest. He was quite nervous about taking confession, and asked me what the old Priest would have given for soddomy.
I told him the usual was a Mars bar and a can of Coke.
(tree hugger putting the "semen" in "basement"..., Wed 28 Dec 2005, 22:05, Reply)

A blind guy goes into a cafe...
...and, when he's been seated, the waiter offers to read him the menu.
"Nah," says the blind man, "just bring us a fork from the kitchen"
So the waiter brings over a fork and the blind guy sniffs it.
"Lovely, beef stew. I'll have some of that"
The next day, the same thing happens, though this time the blind man correctly identifies the special of the day as chicken supreme.
So the next time he visits the waiter decides to pull a fast one. He nips into the kitchen and gets his wife to shove a clean fork down her pants, rubbing it all over her gash. The waiter hands the blind guy the fork, and usual he sniffs it.

"Fuck me," he says, "I didn't know Janet was working here!"
(tree hugger putting the "semen" in "basement"..., Wed 28 Dec 2005, 20:52, Reply)

Don't *think* it's bindun, so:
What's hard, six inches long and fun to play with in the toilet?

A Nintendo Gameboy.
(fastandfurryous What was the question again?, Tue 27 Dec 2005, 1:29, Reply)

ewww
what's worse than putting 5 oysters inside your grandmothers axe wound?

sucking them out and counting 6.
(fushundchups taste better with vinegar, Tue 27 Dec 2005, 1:03, Reply)

Bless you Dave Allen...
I've just bought my Irish cousin some waterskis for Christmas... thing is, the daft bugger's now looking for a lake with a slope.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Mon 26 Dec 2005, 12:37, Reply)

Paul McCartney
Bought his wife a plane for christmas.... Now she can shave both her legs!

cant be arsed to see if its been done & apologies for length, girth & just about everything i've ever done.
(meaty helmet, Mon 26 Dec 2005, 10:59, Reply)

A rabbit walks into a bar,
goes up to the barman and says, "Got any cabbage leaves?"

The barman says, "No, this is a bar," so the rabbit hops out.

The next day, the rabbit comes back, hops up to the barman and says, "Got any cabbage leaves?"

The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't sell cabbage leaves. Now clear off!" So the rabbit hops away again.

The next day, he comes back, goes up to the barman and says, "Got any cabbage leaves?"

The barman says, "Look, I'm sick of you coming in here asking for cabbage leaves. Next time you come in here asking for cabbage leaves, I'll chop your ears off!"

So the poor little bunny hops away with his little fluffy tail between his legs.

The next day, the rabbit's back. He hops up to the bar and says, "Got any scissors?"

The barman says, "No...."

"Got any cabbage leaves?"
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sun 25 Dec 2005, 15:24, Reply)

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
"See you next month."
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Sat 24 Dec 2005, 18:23, Reply)

another rape joke
Woman stumbles into the Police Station.
"Help, I've just been raped by two council workers!"
The policemen look bemused and ask "How do you know they were with the council?"
She shouts "I had to do all the fucking work!"
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 17:50, Reply)

how do you make a baby cry twice?
use its teddy to clean the blood off your cock
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 13:33, Reply)

Bang!
The parents of two suicide bombers meet at the wake.

One says to the other "Kids blow up so fast these days..."
( negativegain ...all talk, no action..., Fri 23 Dec 2005, 9:35, Reply)

Probably will not make sense outside the UK....
A penguin is for life, not just for christmas...

Story here:

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/hampshire/4548930.stm

Genuinely makes me sad, firstly because it *is* a sad story but secondly because it makes me aware of how quickly I flick past and ignore the many stories of human tragedy. Just a sucker for penguins I guess...
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 22 Dec 2005, 17:14, Reply)

2 Dyslexics are on a Skiing trip.....

... When they begin to argue over whether they zig zag, or zag zig down teh slopes.

The argument rages all morning, and begins to get fairly heated, with the danger of it turning into a full on scrap.

Then, suddenly, they spy a lone chap on the slope, and decide to ask him his opinion.

One of the dyslexics asks him the question.

He thinks for a moment, and then says "Well, really, you're asking the wrong guy.... you see I'm a tobogganist".

Without a second thought, the second dyslexic blurts out:

"I'll have 20 Embassy and a Daily Express then please....."

Not sick, but you have to be there really.....

/relurk
(assistant commissioner terra blanche, Thu 22 Dec 2005, 12:00, Reply)

Spot the difference
What's the difference between my slippers and the Queen Mother's rotting face?

I haven't just cum in my slippers...
(misteroz1979, Thu 22 Dec 2005, 8:54, Reply)

Blip
Wanders back to get coat

No but yeah but yeah but yeah no but yeah no but yeah... ...but no because I'm not even going on the pill... ...because Nadine reckons they stop you from getting pregnant. Don't give me the evils...

Mooches away, hands in pockets
(SatchmoR No, mummy, don't put knitting needles in my ears!, Thu 22 Dec 2005, 7:44, Reply)

Rabid Mongooses (or Mongeese - never know which)

What goes "Ho De Do, Ho De Do, Ho De Do"?

Three coons running for a lift.

Am I bothered? Face, bothered? Bothered? Are you Chaz and Dave's mum? Wanders off...
(SatchmoR No, mummy, don't put knitting needles in my ears!, Thu 22 Dec 2005, 7:41, Reply)

Did you heard the one about George Best's Funeral?
Yeah? So did I, every fucking page so far, bunch of cuntfucks.

How about the shoesalesman selling shoes to a businessman who wants nothing but the best pair of shoes available. The shoeshop worker directs this salesman into the corner of the store, where this sparkling white display is situated.
"Well, we got these just in, all above board etc, genuine white human leather shoes. Sounds worse than it is, trust me and try on a pair."
So sheppishly this businessman tries these on, and is instantly impressed."Christ these are comfy. How much are they?"
"About £2000 a pair."
The businessman winces; "Oh, sorry, that is a bit above my budget sorry."
The salesman then replies;
"Well, we have got them in black for a fiver."

Whats the diff between a blackman and a bike? A bike doesn't sing "Old Man River" when you put the chain on it.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 21 Dec 2005, 19:14, Reply)

george best
peter crouch was told shortly before george best died that he had a donor card so he telephoned him and asked if he could have his feet
(marv261, Wed 21 Dec 2005, 17:53, Reply)

In Scotland...
a "Paw" is not only a bears hand or that but also a name for father. Pa, Grandpa etc. In Scotland that becomes Paw, Grandpaw etc. In Scotland that joke is hilarious.
(Scoopfoot loves lamp, Wed 21 Dec 2005, 15:16, Reply)

hippie and nun....
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: 'Can we have sex?' 'No,' she replies, 'I'm married to God.' She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: 'I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!'
'Yeah?', says the hippie.
'Yeah!', say the bus driver. 'She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do it dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard,and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.'
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
'I am God' he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.'Have sex with me.'
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes,he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
'Ha-ha,' he cries. 'I am the hippie!'
'Ha-ha,' cries the nun. "I am the bus driver..."
(You Love It, Wed 21 Dec 2005, 14:59, Reply)

How...
... do you circumcise a whale?

Send down four skin divers (geddit? eh? eh?)
(SatchmoR No, mummy, don't put knitting needles in my ears!, Wed 21 Dec 2005, 14:00, Reply)

And
Previously tried to be a pimp - bought a warehouse.

(Do you like sponge? I do, I'm not allowed anything sharp)
(SatchmoR No, mummy, don't put knitting needles in my ears!, Wed 21 Dec 2005, 13:59, Reply)

Hunh?
Dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

w00t
(SatchmoR No, mummy, don't put knitting needles in my ears!, Wed 21 Dec 2005, 13:58, Reply)