Letters
Mr Winston Axminster was the proprietory of a graphology workshop proudly emblazoned AXMINSTER GRAPHOLOGY, in the centre of rural Flangeminster. One bitter and angry storm later and the sign had been stripped of its G, R and H, leaving the ironic AXMINSTER AP OLOGY, and causing a tepidly satisfied client to broach the doorway and say "Mr Winston Axminster, you're not much of a graphologist if you can't even write your own fucking sign properly, now are you?"
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 12:46, Reply)

I work for one of the big multinational food companies- think 'craft' but with a K.
We get some right weird shit coming through the office that we're supposed to send out to various focus groups for testing and opinionising (?)

One that springs to mind was like a mini babybel, but wrapped in foil rather than wax, flavoured with herbs and with a hole in the middle.

It was A Polo Cheese.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 12:27, 1 reply)

Dear Prince Harry
We would like to apologise for making you look like a jackass.

From now on you're a hero.

Sincerely,

The Press.

p.s:

sorry about your mum
(roysin, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 12:23, 7 replies)

The company I work for has people stationed at research bases on the northern and southernmost parts of the planet.
They're our polar guys.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 12:22, 1 reply)

BraynDedd's gangsta mate went into a pub and made a comment which upset some Nancies in the Saloon.
Cunt would have apologised except it's a pub not the fucking mother's union.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 12:16, 1 reply)

Brayndedd's gangsta mate includes in his posse an Irish chap named after one of the Apostles. Apparently they've been homies forever.
He calls him 'O'Paul, OG'

You're even shitter than Legless
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 12:08, Reply)

I asked Brayndedd's gangsta mate what his favourite space programme was
He told me, "Apollo, G"

ffs, did I stoop to this, really?
(gordonjcp, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 11:59, Reply)

My gangsta mate was telling me about his girlfriend's new job as an exotic dancer.
Or, as he put it, "A pole ho, G."

cocklords
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 11:52, Reply)

My American boss was telling me about the time he got frightened in the monkey enclosure at the zoo.
"You should have heard that ape holler. Gee!"
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 11:49, Reply)

I once had sex with loads of girls in an orchard.
It was an apple orgy.

wankers
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 11:49, Reply)

I wrote a program for use on Irish smartphones to assist in diagnosing minor illnesses.
I'm calling it the App O'lurgy.

pricks
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 11:47, Reply)

Apparently, Brayndedd's gangsta mate has just had some vaccinations.
When asked, he said 'A polio, G'.

cunt
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 11:39, 1 reply)

The same lad later decided he was latino, despite being from Rotherham, and came into the butchers I used to work in looking for some poultry.
When asked what kind he said "A pollo, G."

fuck off
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 11:38, Reply)

Some lad who thought he was a homeboy came into the shop I used to work in looking for a shirt.
When I asked him what kind he said "A polo, G."

shut up
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 11:35, 1 reply)

A mate of mate of mine works in the study of primates.
Sadly, his nan can never remember what he does so when she's asked at bingo what he does all she can offer is a rather garbled 'apeology'.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 10:17, 12 replies)

So, then ...
Which one of you ornery critters shot mah paw?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 9:54, Reply)

can I have
a packet of dry roasted peanuts please? actually make that salted.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 9:23, 3 replies)

This pub's shit.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 8:07, 9 replies)

Dear Niece
I am so sorry that all those years ago I encouraged you to write to The BBC so you could appear on "Jim'll Fix It".
Dear BBC,
Under the circumstances, thank you so much for NOT replying to her.
(Mackeson_drinker, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 7:43, 2 replies)

What?
Last week I spent a pleasant evening reclining by the fire with a quart of brandy and the latest Olly Murs Album on the Ipod.

My reverie was broken when I was asked, a little impertinently I felt, by the firemen to ‘get the fuck out of the way, you mad old bastard.’

I've written to That's Life but an apology from the Fire and Rescue Service has not been received.

Decency is dead!
(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 6:21, Reply)

I'm sorry for killing all those Jews and that one clown.

(Elephant Balderdash attempting to bottle the absurd, Tue 22 Jan 2013, 5:57, 5 replies)

60's/ 70's Nasa space program was a sorry time
They had to train to withstand the Apollo Gs
(roysin, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 22:35, 3 replies)

Imagine, if you will, a website.
It started with some people doing some funny pictures and animations. And then some people started writing funny things too. And some folk had a chat. And later on the website wasn't as busy as it used to be, because it's a website, and these things happen. Imagine complaining about that. Imagine being that sort of a cunt.

Anyway, recently my local pub started serving decent food, and now they're a bit busier. I'm glad of that, because the owner is a decent bloke.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 22:05, 6 replies)

I headed down to the pub to listen to some windbags waffle out a few stories last night.
Instead almost everyone turned up. It turned into a real soiree.








And then a shitfight.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 21 Jan 2013, 20:57, 11 replies)

I cut down a large old fruit tree in our garden last year
the wood, once dried and seasoned was a bit rough and ready, not entirely knot free either, but after suitable planing and moulding made a lovely set of skirting boards.
Sadly, they don't really suit my decor - anyone know who I could offer my humble apple ogees to?
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 20:52, 1 reply)

N.E.S.T.L.E.S.
Nestles make the verrrry best

Sorrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 20:02, Reply)

I had a few boxes of Granny Smiths.
I know - not particularly posh, but nevertheless very fruity, and prone to having sex in their crates when no-one was looking.
I'm not saying sorry for anything
except my humble apple orgies.
( blyerkit e k trilby, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 18:19, 8 replies)

Why with a back catalogue of memorable hits and melodic soulful songs did Chris play an hour of samey blues slide guitar. It became a monotonous dirge. It was terrible. Even the set was the same as two years ago using the same slideshow and stage props.
I know he fell out with his record company and wanted to record and play different material but he’s got to remember his fans who bought the earlier music WHICH THEY EXPECT TO BE PLAYED AT A CONCERT. Chris if you’ve lost interest then just pack in. If not remember the public who bought your records and put you where you are.
I will not be going again.

tl;dr

Saw Rea.
(speedevil, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 18:02, Reply)

If Ken Oath doesn't apologise for that last thread then I'm leaving forever.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 17:58, 3 replies)

As a lumberjack, occassionally I get so excited cutting down trees, I urinate.
In the industry it's known as having a "saw wee".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 16:42, Reply)