Ball Girl
As a fatty, obviously I never liked PE at school. While the actual games themselves didn't bother me so much (except for Athletics ["Miss, how about I just walk the 400 metres, because I'm going to be last anyway?"] and the dreaded dreaded Cross Country), the whole humiliating rigmarole of getting changed into awful grass-stained t-shirt, little shorts and netball skirt, being forced to get sweaty and muddy, then having to frantically get dressed again before the next class, lugging bulky and unpleasantly damp PE bag along with me were all just hideous parts of the school week for me.

While my school had showers in the changing rooms, they didn't actually work and even if they had, we wouldn't have had time to use them, and even if we had time, NO ONE was going to get naked and have a shower in front of everyone else, so they whole plumbing oddity was entirely pointless.

Nevertheless, good girl that I was, every week I'd drag the PE bag to school and go through with whatever sporting torture the games mistress had decided to amuse herself with inflicting upon us that day.


Year 9. I am 13 years old, it is the first PE lesson of the new academic year. We are - astonishingly for girls in a state school in the UK - doing netball. Today it's drills. Form teams of two at either side of the court or pitch or whatever the netball arena place is called, jog to the cone in the centre, pass the ball to teammate in a two-handed throw, wait for her to chuck it back, put ball down on cone, jog back. Simple.

I wobblejog to the centre, make a decent effort at throwing the ball, teammate actually manages to catch it (astonishment!) she lobs it back with deadly accuracy. It whacks me straight in the face.

BOOF! I'm down, fortunately landing on my well-padded arse. The ball sproings off my face, incidentally bouncing off the shoulder of the girl next to me - a double hit. Grins, titter, and open laughter and pointing all round. I shake off the phenomenal pain and spinning in my head, smile (because you've got to be a good sport, right?) and carry on.


Little did I know, that this was to be the first day of an entire year of ball-related PE misery...


Next week, and our games teacher mixes it up with hockey. We're playing a mini-match, Jessica Kyle makes a daring pass to a teammate, missing her entirely though managing to smack me with spectacular accuracy on the shin. I was not a sporty person, and wasn't going to waste my pocket money on silly, unimportant things like shin-guards. It hurt. A lot. Four weeks later, I still had the bruise to show for it.

Two PE lessons. Two ball injuries.

As it turned out, my PE lessons for the academic year of 1999 - 2000, Year 9 for me, continued in this vein unerringly for the ENTIRE YEAR.


The school year is 190 teaching days long. That's 38 weeks, and as I had PE on a Wednesday, therefore 38 PE lessons for me. And in every single one of them, I got hit somewhere by a ball of some kind. Every one.

They ranged from being boinked in the glasses by an errant ping-pong ball or tapped on the shoulder by a shuttlecock to twice, TWICE, being outright knocked unconscious whilst playing rounders, both under exactly the same circumstances: I'm batting, I miss the ball but run for first base anyway, the backstop lobs the ball to the first post to get me out, it smacks me right on the back of the head, I land up facedown in the dirt.

The first time, i was out for just a few seconds, coming round to the sound of the games mistress screaming "Carrie, get up and RUN!!!". The second, I was out for nearly two minutes. Teacher's response? You're out, go and sit down til it's your turn to bat again".


The being-hit-by-a-ball theme held strong whether I was actually taking part in the lesson or not. On three occasions, I had a note excluding me from PE, but the school policy was that students had to go and watch their classmates suffer. So even whilst on the sidelines, not even taking part, I got hit in some way or another with yet another fucking ball. I even got hit when we were doing non-ball sports. Once with a football from the boys when we were doing Athletics, and once with another rounders ball from the fucking Primary school next door during Cross Country. ARRRRGH!


"Oh ho!", you might say, (or not, because perhaps you're not a total twat), "surely you didn't have perfect attendance for an entire school year?" Well no, I did have one PE day off sick, so I wasn't actually in school that day. In fact, I was sent to the doctor. And it was while sitting in the doctor's waiting room, minding my own business, that a small kid playing at the Activity Table managed to break one of the bead-strung wires and catapult a bright yellow, spherical wooden bead - straight at my head.

Even when I wasn't even in school, the PE-day ball-curse remained unbroken.






(TL:DR? In Year 9, I got hit with a ball of some kind, in some way, every single PE lesson of the year, even when not taking part, or not actually in school.)
( Seventh is somewhat subdued, Sun 22 Apr 2012, 17:08, 25 replies)

It's almost
as if you're a ball magnet.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sun 22 Apr 2012, 18:15, closed)

how fat?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Sun 22 Apr 2012, 18:21, closed)

in year 9
about a size 16/18. later to become fatter. later still to get back to a 14/16.
( Seventh is somewhat subdued, Sun 22 Apr 2012, 18:29, closed)

did you consider that trying a little harder at school sports,
Might have helped you become less of a big fat shit?
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Sun 22 Apr 2012, 18:49, closed)

meh
I did a decent amount of exercise as a teenager. Sailing, running about training agility dogs, swimming and lifesaving three times a week. I just didn't like school sports.

Do you think that trying a little harder at being less judgmental
Might help you become less of a big internet twat?
( Seventh is somewhat subdued, Sun 22 Apr 2012, 19:19, closed)

so you did exercise,
But didn't have the self control to limit your intake of food?
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Sun 22 Apr 2012, 19:25, closed)

pretty much, yeah
Oh noes, the Fat Police are interrogating me!
wah! wah!
( Seventh is somewhat subdued, Sun 22 Apr 2012, 19:27, closed)

you did it to yourself,
It's not a matter for the police. Weight watchers love a good sob story though.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Sun 22 Apr 2012, 19:40, closed)

Where
did I sob? Yes, I said I was fat, but I didn't complain about being fat. I didn't like school PE, but I already stated that I disliked being made to get undressed in front of my peers whilst at school.

I just don't get what your problem is. Do you have a go at everyone who's ever been less than perfectly healthy, or am I just superspecial?
( Seventh is somewhat subdued, Sun 22 Apr 2012, 19:44, closed)

i haven't got a problem,

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Sun 22 Apr 2012, 19:50, closed)

If I were perfect, I think I'd troll the 'net, too, just to let everyone know how inferior they are.
Wait, what am I saying? Fuck you both, you insignificant pair of shits.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sun 22 Apr 2012, 20:11, closed)

^ What skinny minny said.
Except the the "both of you" bit. He can fuck right off for that!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 22 Apr 2012, 20:33, closed)

Well, there is the slight issue of your trolling falling into the hitherto-unplumbed depths of the "sub-Lyon" bracket...
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Mon 23 Apr 2012, 0:26, closed)

Again with the being a judgemental twat
Sometimes people are fat because they eat too much, yes. Sometimes people are a little heavier for other reasons. How about you hold the harsh words til you find out which, or give some encouragement over the fact she's clearly made the effort to lose weight recently?!
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sun 22 Apr 2012, 19:29, closed)

oh, right, sorry,
Well done for getting from hideously obese to merely grossly overweight.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Sun 22 Apr 2012, 19:41, closed)

Size 14/16 is average for a woman in the UK
Just because you like your women to look like 12 year old boys doesn't give you the right to be rude.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sun 22 Apr 2012, 19:44, closed)

i'm glad you recognise that we're a fat nation,
And hope you're doing your part.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Sun 22 Apr 2012, 19:48, closed)

I think you'll find
Windy Pig is just happy with 12 year old boys
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sun 22 Apr 2012, 20:39, closed)

NO YOU ARE!

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Sun 22 Apr 2012, 21:06, closed)

Didn't know you liked grass on the pitch.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 22 Apr 2012, 21:19, closed)

A female.
They will love you B3ta.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 22 Apr 2012, 18:28, closed)

And as we see above,
the classic any-woman-smaller-than-a-house-isn't-"real" argument has been trotted out yet again. As inevitably as 2 follows 1, or as day follows night.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 22 Apr 2012, 19:50, closed)

there was a woman dressed as a house for the London Marathon.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Sun 22 Apr 2012, 19:57, closed)

I think I saw that on Brass Eye this one time

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sun 22 Apr 2012, 20:59, closed)

Irrespective of whether fat is a moral issue
I laughed and clicked for the funny story, which is becoming rare as hens' teeth on qotw.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 25 Apr 2012, 12:17, closed)