Bucket of Steam
In the good old day in the Royal Navy there were many varied ways of ripping the piss out of new trainees (or nozzers). Two are detailed below:

1) Send the unsuspecting idiot to the Engine Room with a bucket with the instructions to bring back a bucket of steam. Idiot fills bucket and returns however steam evaporates on the way......and so it goes on !!!

2) Send the unsuspecting idiot to the Shipwright (Carpenter) to ask for a 'long stand'. Shipwright cottons on and asks idiot to wait....goes on for hours !!!
(cpoweaad, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 5:32, 8 replies)

Army favourites...
1. Go and ask the RSM for the key to the parade square

2. Go and get the key to the indoor grenade range

But my favourite was the ones the QM would play on me:

1. These will fit you...
2. This kit will last you a tour...
3. Is this a look of concern on my face?
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 5:43, closed)

Similar from RAF
1/ Glass hammer
2/ left handed screwdriver
3/ sky hook

and on a similar vein

4/ chocolate fire guard
5/ tartan paint

...oh, how we laughed.
( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 8:24, closed)

.
These have spread out into teh normal working world as well.

Glass hammer was popular in one place I worked but you could follow it up with glass knife (which was a real piece of kit)and patiently take them over to stores to get it when they refused.
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 9:17, closed)

Metric or Imperial long stand?
It makes a difference.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 9:31, closed)

Is a long stand anything like a long weight?

(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 12:32, closed)

Oh yes...
And the metric/imperial bit stands too.

How I loved working in a hardware shop :)
( snee held his breath since, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 9:20, closed)

Farmer japes
My grandad told me about the joke they used to play on young farm labourers on their first day. They used to get them to take the tractor and trailer to the next farm and ask if they can have the rick square back as they needed it that afternoon. But they'd always ask the kid "ferr god's sake yoo knowz what a rick square iz dunnyou?" Always afraid to dissappoint they'd nod like a spaz on amphetamines.

Off the young lad would pop and went to ask for the rick square at the next farm. That farmer would say something like "I only got part o' 'ee, ol' bill ovrun snowzillz got rest, mind" then throw some chains and planks in the trailer and off the youngling would pootle over to the farm on Snow's Hill...

This used to carry on all morning until the lad had a trailer full of scrap from all the neighbouring farms. On getting back to the first farm the farmer would admire the trailer full of crap and say "roight, oim off fer me lunch, ave it made up by time oi get back" and leave them to assemble the jigsaw puzzle to which there was no solution.

Teh farmer lulz ^_^
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 13:45, closed)

Cooomanwhipyerandsonmecoat!
Errol's first day at the fish market

www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8TkMHu0gGg#t=3m35s
(champagnerocker, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 18:12, closed)