Game over on account of lost child.
Going back a few years now... Around the time that our daughter discovered the joy of hiding behind corners, under covers etc. and suddenly appearing shouting "Happrise!" (as she did).

On a rare day where my, the missus and Little Scrote all have the same weekday off from work/kindy (LS is about 4-5) we decided to head out to one of our less attended op-shops for a "mooch" as the missus likes to put it.
Now when we go shopping like this with the bairn normally she'll be sent down to the toy area with strict instructions that if she's good she may pick a toy and any mess she makes is her's to tidy up. Between the 2 of us parents we make sure that we are always within direct eyeline/ earshot of her.
I'm looking at the books and I see an Iain M. Banks book I don't think I've read before so I reach down and grab it. Score! $2! Nice.
I glance over at the toys. No sprog. I call out her name softly but loudly enough for all of the shop to hear. Nothing. Staying where I am I call across the shop asking the missus if she has seen her - "Nope, she's down at the toys last I saw." Nup.

Parents, you know that feeling you get when something is wrong with your child. Your stomache feels like it's dropping and your heart feels like it's jumping out your mouth, your bowels loosen a little and your 'fight or flight' responses kick in? Yeah, that feeling.

As I'm walking up and down the aisles looking under the racks of clothes my reasoning kicks in. The front door has a chime and no-one's been in or out of it since we arrived so I know she isn't out the front of the shop where there is a busy 4-lane road. The staff area out the back that leads to a shared alleyway has a couple of volunteers working which surely would've noticed a 5 yo. toddling by. By this time the lady at the till has spoken to my missus and is also walking around the shop with us shouting my girls' name and peering into places here and there. I've also spoken to the 2 old biddies out the back - they assure me that there is no way she could wandered past without them seeing.

I head out the back and go up and down the alley checking behind bins calling her name - the shop keepers from the neighbouring shops, a haberdashers on one side and a hardware store on the other come out an inquire as to what's going on. I very quickly weigh up my daughter's knowledge of "Don't talk to strangers" against the fact that she could have somehow got out of the shop and be wandering. So I appraise them of the situation and they then join the search through their shops and out the front and back.
Only 10-15 min. has gone by, but it feels like hours.
By this stage I've done a full circuit of the set of units and been thru 3 shops calling out my daughters name loudly. Several other people have done the same. I can see my wife is close to crying and I'm starting to get that "I've lost all control of this situation - maybe now is when I should panic" feeling. I'm scared, incredibly guilty and completely unsure of what to do next, even writing this now my palms have gone clammy and the hairs on the nape of my neck have prickled. I am literally dialling 112 into my mobile to inform the police when I notice a pile of curtains and linen jiggling in a most un-linen like manner. I rush over and lift it up to find Scrotley sitting there with a plush toy giggling.

"Happrise!" she shouts and jumps up, full of the joy of a child that has successfully hide-and-seeked their parents. I don't think I've ever felt such conflicting emotions - joy and happiness at seeing my daughter safe and well, and annoyance at what she's (inadvertently) put us through. I try desperately hard not to scold her. The missus and I just hold her and craugh (cry/laugh). All of the people from the shops come to check that she's ok - I thank everyone profusely and weather the "Bad parents" looks I get from a couple of them.

The book was "Excession". Not his best but I'll miss him when he's gone.

EDIT: For the childless/humorless/witless out there - often young children bastardise language as they are learning how to speak correctly, hence "happrise" instead of "surprise" and in this case it's not a speech impediment and she appears to have mostly grown out of it. Doesn't stop some words from becoming part of the families lexicon tho.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 7 Apr 2013, 0:11, 8 replies)

Oh fucking hell.
I'd be totally traumatised, that sounds horrible.

edit, in reply to your edit:
My niece used to pronounce F as S. One hallowe'en she wore some fake fangs and declared "I'm a sucking vampire".
( 4Q just lurking, Sun 7 Apr 2013, 0:16, closed)

Wasn't aimed at you - pre-empting.
Fucking vampireff fucked fome fucking vampireff!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 7 Apr 2013, 0:42, closed)

We have a few of these odd pronunciations too
Star Wars had storm trapers until a couple of months ago - now they are storm troopers. Much earlier on we him spotting ships in fields and on hillsides that was mildly confusing until we realised he meant sheep. His mum and I still call them ships when we spot them in the car. I think one of them was just misheard at school and propagated amongst the class - whenever an incident occurs where a ball or other projectile comes into contact with his trouser area he shout "My peanuts".
( heyrudi has just found this setting, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 12:59, closed)

nice forced use of iain banks.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Sun 7 Apr 2013, 1:02, closed)

Dammit Janet!
EDIT: Thinking about it now - I've been reading his stuff since "The Wasp Factory" came out in the 90's.
And hearing that one of your favorite authors is about to pop his clogs (particularly in a not very pleasant way) kinda makes you a bit sad.
Just a little bit.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 7 Apr 2013, 4:48, closed)

1984 isn't the 90s.

( Zuowan, Sun 7 Apr 2013, 11:34, closed)

Did you go and dig up you copy to get the date?
Cause I didn't.

I was reading Phillip K. Dick when it was cool muthafukka! And Ray Bradbury kicks Peter Hamilton's arse.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 7 Apr 2013, 11:49, closed)

I don't like Peter Hamilton
His stories never seem to go anywhere. With you on the dying author thing though. I felt the same when Gemmell died.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 16:26, closed)

July last year
Cousin Michael and I were walking toward his car parked in a laneway in a small park with the main highway, which was being resurfaced at the time about 30 yards across the park behind us. He was holding the hand of his four year old son Mark. The car was maybe 15 paces away. There was a large garden bed full of high shrubs just on the kid's right and we were nearly past it. Michael let go of Mark to fish the car keys out of his pocket.

The little bugger cleared off. One moment he was there, the next he must have been behind the garden bed and heading back the way we had come as hard as he could go. At first we could not see him and didn't know which way he had gone.

By the time we caught up with him he must have been nearly 100 yards away and had been grabbed by one of the road workers to stop him from running across the street.
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Sun 7 Apr 2013, 1:24, closed)

Cheese it!
Thankfully my little Mealybugs (AKA Scrotely) has never done a runner.
I can remember 1st season of teeball we had a runner called Charlie. The ball gets hit to outfield - Charlie appears to go get it but keeps going, all of a sudden Sam - Charlies dad jumps up, swears and sets off across the oval after Charlie as Charlie is slowly running off crying and disrobing.
Our first streaker at age 6-7!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 7 Apr 2013, 4:48, closed)

The sinking feeling is unbearable.
My eldest (3 or 4, at the time) disappeared in the Milton Keynes theatre district. Whilst my better half and I ran around like blue-arsed flies and went slowly mental, he went and found himself a table in Pizza Hut.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 10:25, closed)