Innocence Lost! If found, please call!
You might think that alcohol is a wonderful thing. I used to too. However, I was forced to changed my opinion about that one late evening in the autumn of 2006.

Let me take you back... *wavy lines*

I was living, after the disastrous breakdown of a relationship, with my Mum back in Essex, having made the decision to return to my native south from the frozen wasteland that calls itself Wakefield. By strange coincidence, my mother’s marriage had fallen apart at pretty much the same time.

So there we were, mother and son, still smarting from the breaks that still marked our hearts. We sat in the garden, soaking up the last of the setting sun, smoking John Player Specials, setting the world to rights, and drinking – without pause or hesitation – a huge bottle of Bacardi between us. It was a great evening, the first time we had talked (properly talked, I mean) in years.

And so it was, at about 10 o’clock, that my mother decided to throw away something that I will never get back. Right in front of my face, no less. My childish innocence that I was conceived by immaculate conception and my mother remained pure as the driven snow.

Shakily, she sat forward. Solemnly, she placed her glass on the table, and fixed me with one of her crystal gazes.

“D’you wanna know something?” She slurred, her eyes crossing slightly.
“Wha?” I replied, trying to work out which of her I should be paying attention to.
“I’ll... I’ll bloody well tell you. Listen. No, listen. “ big pause. And then:

”I’ve never had an orgasm.”

My brain took about three quarters of a second to process this. Synapses fired, my liver went in to overdrive, and I sobered up in a quarter of a second. One second after this gargantuan bombshell had been dropped, and I was stone cold sober. And, for the first time in my short but colourful life, speechless. But she wasn’t finished yet.

“I was married to to to him for TEN YEARS, and I could count the amount of times we had sex on one hand.”

Oh no. Oh Baby Jesus, NO! Why is she telling me this? Quick, change the subject.

“Oh look mum, we’ve run out of cigarettes, I’ll go and get some more...”

“No you won’t. Siddown. Three times I’ve been married. THREE. TIMES. And the nearest I got to sexual gra... gratifi... grantnfication was driving on the rumble strips on the way to Tesco.”

After that, she collapsed in to mumbling. I retired to bed, shell-shocked. We have never spoken of it again.




Until, that is, she enthusiastically told me that she’s never had it so good, or so often, as she has with her new man. So good for them.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:14, 20 replies)

you poor bugger
I thank my lucky stars that this has never happened to me

my parents, in their wisdom, decided that the best course of action was never to mention sex to me ever other than to say, once, "be careful"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:17, closed)

oh dear god. you poor boy.
I don't think my parents even know what sex is.

Apparently I was found behind the fridge one day.

I am happy to live with this myth.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:19, closed)

Yikes.... Two words
Mind. Bleach.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:19, closed)

Parents having sex?
*shudders*


Luckily as open as we could be as a family of sisters and mother, we tend to err on the side of caution when talking about sex.
( girlinthehole, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:22, closed)

*clicks*
I'm clicking this as I'm so grateful it happened to you and not me.
( wanderlust, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:22, closed)

I'm evil
My response to this was, "Well, if that's not a come-on, nothing is..."


I'm truly sorry.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:25, closed)

^this
I must admit I did wonder halfway through if this was going to be some kind of incest pun....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:25, closed)

Eww!
You pair of pervs!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:26, closed)

Very Impressed!
I'd have sat there with my fingers in my ears through the whole thing shounting 'LALALALALALALALALALALALA. I CAN'T HEAR YOUUUUU!!!!!'

but I'm immature like that
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:41, closed)

My nan
is a pillar of innocence, very naive etc.

The conversation in the family was such that someone mentioned "Blowjob" and my nan asked my father what it meant. I sniggered at his attempts to explain such an act.

I was laughing until she turned to us and said "Well we've done them all, I just don't know the names"
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:59, closed)

You should have sent your mum a link to this site
http://www.solotouch.com

It gives many handy hints for achieving orgasms the 'solo' way.

I feel sorry for people who were trapped in the negative mindset about mastrubation and had no means of finding out that mastrubation is in fact a healthy habit and grew up in a world without the internet so they couldn't research this themselves.

Have a sympathy click on behalf of your mum.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 11:01, closed)

^Er, Spak...
This is my mum
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 11:18, closed)

@DiT
yeah, but she started it

it was your duty to freak her out more than she had you!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 11:19, closed)

*click*
For 'rumble strips'.
(Sir Harrington Titsmith disgraced himself on, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 11:23, closed)

Close the qotw now
We have a winner!

Your mum FTW!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 11:30, closed)

Yay!
Your mum and Ethelred's nan FTW!
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 11:33, closed)

^ Oh I remember you telling this one down the pub last week.
I really do feel for you; no one needs to know things like that about their parents...

Huge sympathy *click*
( Maladicta, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 13:42, closed)

So many replies....
and not one claiming that in fact she did when they had her! We are growing up aren't we.

I would have had her, but she does have some standards.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Fri 15 Aug 2008, 16:55, closed)

If it's any consolation...
it's nowhere NEAR as embarrassing for your mum as it is for you. For some reason, talking to your children about sex or hearing about their sex lives engenders a mere, "Oh, that's nice, dear. Make sure you marry a man who knows how to go down on you well." But hearing anything about sex FROM your parents? Oh my god, that is hell of the first order. "Kill me now, before I hear any more!"

My deepest sympathy. However, your mum probably doesn't think anything of it.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sun 17 Aug 2008, 7:52, closed)

@DiT
Erm... Sorry 'bout that, but I was just looking at the situation from the outside.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 18 Aug 2008, 13:44, closed)