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This is a question Conspiracy theory nutters

I keep getting collared by a bloke who says that the war in Afghanistan is a cover for our Illuminati Freemason Shapeshifting Lizard masters to corner the market in mind-bending drugs. "It's true," he says, "I heard it on TalkSport". Tell us your stories of encounters with tinfoil hatters.

Thanks to Davros' Granddad

(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 13:52)
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My next door neighbour is a conspiracy theorist.
He's a nice bloke, married, and has one son who's a smashing kid. He's a bit of a gamer, as is Sweary Jr, so the two of them often swap games and games magazines. It's fair to say that they get on well, and he is at heart a good bloke. It's just the conspiracy theory stuff.

He believes all of it. Every. Last. Sodding. Word.

9/11 was known about by the US government, who elected to do nothing about it for various nefarious reasons? Check. The moon landings were faked? Check. The Nazis during World War Two were heavily financed by a powerful and influential Jew? Check. Swine Flu? Check. World War Three will break out in 2012, resulting in a significant proportion of the world's population being wiped out? Oh yeah, baby. The Illuminati? Well, of course, dear chap. It's all there on the internet, you know. And so on.

Now, I'm not about to start trying to change people's beliefs. What they choose to believe in is up to them, frankly. However, what I do object to is having those beliefs forced upon me, or any member of my family. Such as a highly impressionable 13 year old boy, for example. Regardless of whether he asked you about all those conspiracy books lining your bookshelf, you do not take it upon yourself to enthusiastically launch into all of the above. Regardless of all the probing questions he's asking you about this stuff, you do not spoon feed his rapidly growing paranoia with more and more horrifying imagery until he's taken to sobbing in his bedroom with the light out and rocking gently back and forth, convinced that the world is a shitful and evil place which will more or less end in a couple of years time anyway.

No. You don't do this, and certainly not without checking with the parents first. Had we known about this we would have stamped on it before it got to the stage it did. But SJ was just inwardly digesting it all until it came to a point where the burden got too much for him and the above mentioned darkened bedroom scenario happened.

Believe what you want to believe by all means. But be careful who you share these things with is all I'm saying. Your mate down the pub is one thing; your next door neighbour's young teenage son is a different kettle of monkeys altogether; especially when you know that he quite looks up to you.

Six months on, and SJ still bangs on about this stuff (although not nearly as much as before), not helped by the fact that they are actually learning about conspiracy theories at bloody school. We had the neighbour round about six months ago to politely request him to stop feeding our boy with this stuff. When he's an adult, he can do what he likes, but at the moment, he's our responsibility and we're the ones who have to pick up aftershock of the emotional trauma. Having this shit to deal with two months before our wedding was not what we needed at that point in time either.

It is getting better, though. Neighbour has stopped talking to SJ about it, as per our request, and SJ seems to be opening up to the fact that the key word in all this is theories, thank fuck.

I couldn't believe it, however, when neighbour stated that he was dreading telling his son about all of this... Jesus, if you're so convinced that the world is run by aliens and is going to practically end in 2012, then WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD IN THE FIRST PLACE???

He's still a nice bloke though, despite all of this. However, if the time comes where SJ needs psychiatric assistance because of this stuff, he's getting the bill...

To be continued above /\ - courtesy of my lovely, beautiful, witty, charming, norktastic, pert-clunged, nubile-cloppered missus, who has neither a hairy upper lip nor a skudge of orange peel on her thighs:


/Second Edit

That last bit had nothing to do with me...
(, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 17:48, 8 replies)
Don't like it, but clicked. Fits the qotw perfectly.

Er... Good luck?
(, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 18:57, closed)
What galled me during the two hour chat we had about SJ's rapidly encroaching paranoia about all this was his assertion that "he needs to know".

No. He. Fucking. Doesn't! HE'S A CHILD FOR FUCK'S SAKE! He needs to continue being a child for as long as he can, because, fuck me, the world can be a crappy place and you've got taxes and grown up decisions to make in not too long a time to look forward to... Enjoy your childhood whilst you can; there's not much of it left.

I'm getting quite angry now. I think I need a smoke.
(, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 20:40, closed)
My favourite part..
is that he's told your kid but not his own!
(, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 20:52, closed)
Oh, he will!
He's just waiting for the right moment. His kid's only six, y'see...

see my missus' post further up the page
(, Sat 29 Aug 2009, 21:38, closed)
As you enjoy your champagne at midnight on December 31st 2012, you can call him up (assuming you're not at the same party), and say 'I'm still alive. How about you? And the seven billion other people on Earth?'
(, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 0:06, closed)
(, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 0:57, closed)
i had a great deal of fun
on millennium eve, doing just that.
(, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 1:07, closed)
Ah, millenium eve...
I remember it well. I was enjoying myself until the lizard police arrested me and cut half of my brain out so I wouldn't remember anything.

Or maybe that was the champagne..?
(, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 1:10, closed)

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