Avoid being arrested by the police
by not having traces of human DNA baked into the side of your casserole dish.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 16:26, Reply)

Living with German housemates?
Pay close attention to your punctuation and spacing when leaving them a reminder to 'FEED NEXT DOORS CAT'
(costas, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 16:22, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Pretend you're a student
By commenting on the disgusting materialistic orgy of Christmas to all your friends, and then accepting the car your parents have bought you as a present.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:24, Reply)

Have your kids built a snowman?
Warap it in an electric blanket to keep it warm on the nights.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 12:37, Reply)

Measure the inside of your oven
before buying a turkey that could probably feed most of the population of Turkey.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 12:36, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Waste time wrapping Christmas presents this year
by hiding the sellotape
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 12:35, Reply)

Save time wrapping Christmas presents this year
by painting the outside of the boxes gold and then drawing some holly in felt-tip pens.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 12:34, Reply)

A Vagabond
Go see a shrink. You're weird.

And then go to the police and tell them where all the bodies are. I suspect they may find traces of human DNA baked into the side of your casserole dish.

ask for internet access though so you can carry on posting here.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 12:31, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Surprise your family by
leaving the gas on when you go away for Christmas, and being sure to return from your holiday at nighttime.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Is the stress of Christmas getting you down?
Then Kill yourself you miserable bastard.
(Margatemug, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 0:03, Reply)

Left Wing Firebrand Politicians!
Scared of going to jail?
Merely call everyone a liar, get your friends and family to call everyone liars and just to be sure, put on puppy-eyes and plead with the jury to think of your poor little baby who will miss her daddy at Christmas.

Update 24th: Or don't because it didn't work.
(Darth Thump, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 19:45, Reply)

Save money on expensive ice cubes
By making your own in your freezer.

You will need:

1 x icecube tray
1 x water tap
1 x freezer
1 x electricity supply

Recipe:

1. Connect your freezer to the electricity supply and make sure it is on.
2. Fill the icecube tray from the water supply until the tray is full.
3. Place the icecube tray in the freezer for several hours
4. Hey presto! Ice cubes! Merry Christmas, one and all!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 15:56, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Save time wrapping Christmas presents this year by killing everyone you know
And using their skin.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 14:08, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Save time buying Christmas presents this year
by giving them gift voucher cards or cash/a cheque, as they fit easily inside a card.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 14:07, Reply)

Save time wrapping Christmas presents this year
by not buying any.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 14:06, Reply)

save time wrapping christmas presents next year
by not opening any of your own presents this year and saving them to pass on at christmas 2011.
(bunglist, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 13:48, Reply)

Ladies
When I text you a picture of my cock it's good manners to reply with a picture of your fanny.
(bunglist, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:39, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

footballers...
... keep the team spirit alive when out on the town by all raping the same girl at once.
(bunglist, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:36, Reply)

NI Railways
Boast about your twitter service for travel updates and then ensure it is kept at least 12 hours out of date.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:32, Reply)

Don't pull your arse cheeks apart
when you think you're going to fart.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 1:34, Reply)

Rape and murder victims
Move slightly closer to town to avoid being brutally raped and murdered 'just yards' from your home after a night out
(sonofstuj is exactly who you think he is, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 1:30, Reply)

at bath-time
confuse and mentally scar a child by rubbing Johnson's 'No More Tears' baby shampoo into it's eyes
(Technical xtc - Furious Internet, Tue 21 Dec 2010, 21:24, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Avoid tears when cutting off your children's legs
By lowering an onion.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Dec 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Lower your legs
and spread them slightly.

Oh yeah, that's it baby, just like that...
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 21 Dec 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Lower your children
By cutting their legs off.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Dec 2010, 10:08, Reply)

Silence your farts
By pulling your bum cheeks apart enough to create a void through which the methane tinged air can pass unhindered.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 21 Dec 2010, 9:10, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Remember when you got in your car this morning and slid a little down the drive?
Remember how you got to the end of the road, tried to brake and slid a little, almost losing control at 2 miles an hour, where your car not only wouldn't stop but actually skewed the opposite way from what _you_ wanted? Remember how helpless you felt?

Remember thinking, "Crikey! Thank fuck there was no one in front of me just then!" ?

Well now I'm in front of you - get the fuck out of my boot, cocknugget.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 21 Dec 2010, 8:45, Reply)

Lower your armchairs
by cutting the legs off
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 21 Dec 2010, 7:28, Reply)

Lower your heating bill
by setting fire to an armchair.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 15:41, Reply)