Make satsumas
easier to peel by rolling them around between your palms first. This serves to break the skin from the fleshy bit inside. However, this technique cannot be applied in taxidermy.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 16:23, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Set up a covert and rather futile
pyramid scheme by borrowing money from Wonga, then borrowing from QuickQuid to pay them back. Then from PayDay Express to pay QuickQuid and then SafeLoans, Mr Lender, PayDay UK and so on
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 16:21, Reply)

Apples make ideal oranges for colourblind people.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 12:10, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Guinea Pigs
Pretend to be rabbits by picking up all those random, bloodied rabbit ears that have started to appear around the place.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 14:00, Reply)

Rabbits!
Pretend to be guinea pigs by cutting off your ears, you oversized pinnatic shits.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 12:12, Reply)

butchers!
Do the job properly with a sharp knife and a bone saw rather than going at it with a big cleaver like some sort of Chinese henchman and filling my joint of beef with bone chippings.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 13 Apr 2011, 20:06, Reply)

What a load of pith
Like fruit but hate those pithy bits?

Shake the fruit, for about a minute, before cutting / peeling. This causes the pith to dissolve into the "flesh" of the fruit.

Boooom - pithless fruit
(Mean Mad Mutski, Wed 13 Apr 2011, 14:19, 12 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Butchers!
Appear hard, and yet a little, tinsy-wincy bit creepy, by having no qualms chopping up animal carcasses with ruthless accuracy and efficiency.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 13 Apr 2011, 13:36, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Butchers!
Need a source of free chicken meat? Visit your local small scale chicken farmer who has been trying to introduce new hens to a coop following the instructions from some daft bint at the hen shop who clearly didn't know what she was talking about. The new hens will have been pecked to death by the existing hens and the small scale chicken farmer will be glad for you to take them off his hands.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 13 Apr 2011, 9:30, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Small scale chicken farmers!
Need to introduce one or more new birds to the coop but worried about upsetting the pecking order? Bring the new birds along just a couple of hours before dusk. Shut them up in the coop straight away - they will be stressed from being moved and will happily go straight to sleep. Keep your other birds outside longer than normal then open up the coop when they're really ready to roost. They will notice the new hens but will be too tired to protest and will just go and perch. In the morning, being hens and therefore dim, they will wake up and think this is how it has always been, and the new birds will be integrated with the minimum of fuss.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 12 Apr 2011, 20:52, Reply)

Coal!
Make people think you're really hard by claiming to be diamond.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 12 Apr 2011, 16:00, Reply)

Blokes
Make people think you're hard by pushing your way through a crowd with a courgette down your trousers.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 12 Apr 2011, 15:25, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

How to look tough for girls
Girls. Want to look tough but dont know how? Why not plaster your face with loads of orange fake tan and take on the appearance of beef jerky. Mmm... Tough.
(buzzkillington aint no damn mouse cobbler on, Tue 12 Apr 2011, 11:37, Reply)

Teenagers
Prove to everyone how tough and hard you are by listening to heavy metal and wearing a lot of black.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 12 Apr 2011, 10:12, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When making porridge
and fancy a bit of cinnamon on the top, always check the label because ground cumin doesn't go with porridge at all.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 12 Apr 2011, 10:06, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When squeezing a lemon into something like home-made guacamole
cut it in half, but hold the half-lemon with the cut side facing upwards. As you squeeze, those pesky pips will be deposited on the upside of your clenched fist where you can remove them, instead of in your lovely, squidgy, green sauce.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 14:33, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Receptionists
Appear more intelligent by attaching "self" to personal pronouns when conversing with someone.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 9 Apr 2011, 13:49, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

B3ta mods
Want to see a greater selection of Top Tips for the newsletter? Then simply pick a shit QOTW topic as it seems the productivity on Top Tips is inversely proportionate to the quality of the QOTW
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 9 Apr 2011, 12:05, Reply)

McDonalds! Fancy having a crack at the pet industry, but don't know what special offer to star with?
Rats make ideal "supersize" mice.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 13:53, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Want to look tough but don't know how?
Breaking the bottom off a milk or wine bottle and screwing it into your eye is a perfect way to get those trendy, all-round eye scars.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 17:05, Reply)

Look away
You know when you're walking towards someone and you both move in the same direction to get past each other, and then you do it again, and then you smile and laugh nervously while trying to work out how to get past each other? This is down to a natural reaction to mirror other people's actions.

To avoid it - deliberately look away from the other person. You won't see them move so your brain won't play some stupid trick on you, and they will assume (rightly) that you're not going to move out of their way so it's up to them to jump the right way.

On the other hand, do remember to look forwards again afterwards, otherwise you will walk into a lamp-post, or dog shit, or something.
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 15:32, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

SCIENTISTS!
Can't afford a Large Hadron Collider?

Create a singularity cheaply by simply smashing a dog into a cat very fast.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 10:42, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Momentum
When walking somewhere in a hurry, carry a heavy bag with you. Swinging it will enable you to corner more rapidly.
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 10:15, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Are you minging, and thus unable to get sex?
Then pay for it, you cheapskate - no use being known as a tightwad as well.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 12:02, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Fancy taking part in a bukkake
but your partner is less than willing? Wank into an icecube tray on a daily basis, returning it to the freezer each time until it's full, typically about 2 dozen ice cubes.
Next time you're being tugged/sucked off, produce your spunky icecubes and a Mr Frosty, crank the handle and let the slushy manfat spatter on her face.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 1:11, Reply)

The closer you are to the mirror,
the more likely it is they'll catch you perving.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 22:07, Reply)

Save money on new Coca Cola Zero
By throwing up a little bit in your mouth.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 12:11, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Too lazy to phone the landlord about the water?
Flush the loo while your housemate is in the shower, then she'll do it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 8:56, Reply)

Dont sleep rough on the streets
go to a busy A&E department and sit in the nice warm waiting room, get tucked up into a corner and just nod off and eye up the nurses in their skimpy uniforms.....imagine them having pillow fights and the top few buttons just popping undone

wait, what was that?......was it.... a nipple?

she winks at you

yes, yes, by the laces in my shoes it was a nipple!

saucy bleeders
(whorsepower needs an amusing sig, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 0:18, Reply)

Get "chip shop style" chips
by buying them from the chip shop.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 14:25, Reply)