Putting bird seed
in seedless grapes, makes them taste like seeded grapes
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 20:48, Reply)

Have a solid wood front door?
Rather than fit just the one spy-hole to see who's at the door, fit a large matrix of at least 300. This way you will see your visitor with a fly's eye view by just looking at the door which will act like a compound eye.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 17:10, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

A frozen snake
is a suitable javelin for athletes scared of carbon fibre
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 17:02, Reply)

Old women
make ideal tamagochis for children of giants
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 16:49, Reply)

Pretend you work 'in the media'
By developing a ravenous cocaine habit
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 16:36, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Old men with big grey beards and moustaches
COnvince people you smoke a pipe by staining the facial hair around your mouth with tea.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 16:22, Reply)

Make people think you are ET by spreading nutella on your face and hiding under a tea-towel
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 16:20, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Alcoholics
Avoid confusion in the morning by putting a giant poster on your bedroom wall explaining: Trousers first, THEN shoes.
It will save wasting the paramedics time. Again.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 16:08, Reply)

Make people think you are a virgin
by working in 'computers'
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 16:04, Reply)

Make people say
"Shut up you daft twat" by telling them that you accidentally put your shoes on inside out.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:54, Reply)

Want to split up with your girlfriend
and don't have the guts to do it properly? Simply call her a different name during sex. For extra impact, ask her to wear a cardboard cut-out mask made from a picture of a random pretty girl you've found on Facebook.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Mice
make ideal wind up joke mice for robots.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Scared of getting rid of spiders and flies in your house?
use your hoover (using the extendable nozzle ofcourse (lol))

Catch flies - mid air for extra points.

ps.

Make sure you empty regularly otherwise the hoover WILL become some sort of nest for the spiders - who now find themselves surrounded by lots of trapped food.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:47, Reply)

Enliven trips on the tube
By lying face down on the up escalator in a 'black power' salute and pretending you are superman flying skywards.
Enliven the return journey by doing the same on the down escalator and pretending you are Satan, lord of darkness, returning home.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:27, Reply)

Make people think you've seen
a Kung-Fu film by doing some Bruce Lee moves for 20 minutes after leaving the cinema.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:26, 9 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Fool old people into thinking you are a drug addict thief
Buy getting a job at the water board and calling round to read their meter.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:22, Reply)

A lolly stick from a mini milk
makes an ideal shoe horn for Noel Edmonds.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:20, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Soles of old shoes
Make ideal burgers at Wetherspoons pubs.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:19, Reply)

Create religious conflict and a holy war in your town
Using a phone book Ring all the muslim sounding names and say 'This is God' and then simply ring the non muslim names and say 'This is Allah'
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:18, Reply)

Make people think
they're eating salty cardboard by giving them poppadoms that have been left out all night.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:17, Reply)

Tell people you are called John
And they will think your name is John.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:16, Reply)

Don't have the willpower
to attend the gym on a regular basis? Eat less chips and pies you fat fuck.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:15, Reply)

Have you had the window open on a warm day
and now there are several flies in your house? Simply release a dozen or so hungry chameleons into the room and let them catch the flies for food.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:13, Reply)

Make iPad 2 owners think you're from the future
by pointing at their shiny new Apple toy and saying "Ohhh, I remember those. I think I've still got mine, it's in my mum's loft*. Let me see"

* not a euphemism
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:10, Reply)

Make people think you've just run a marathon
by putting on a PE kit and wearing a tinfoil cape.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 15:08, Reply)

Members of the EDL
Make people suspect that you're extremely racist by going on a march through an area with a large non-white community to demonstrate against Islam extremists, but then hurling abuse at anybody with brown skin and wearing an unusual hat or headscarf. Such as a couple of Sikh children.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:55, Reply)

Increase your chances of being battered half to death
by turning up at a school playground at breaktime with a deckchair, a camera and a box of tissues.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:49, Reply)

Convince people
you're just starting puberty by getting an erection at every opportunity.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:47, Reply)

Pretend you've been a victim of an urban legend
by lying in a bath of ice and claiming someone's had it away with your kidneys.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:45, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)