amuse yourself and others
by greeting your fellow workmates with the salutation 'GOOD MOANING!'every day for two years without fail, because recycling catchphrases from a 1980s sitcom never ever gets tired, Steve.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 20 May 2011, 8:05, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

That fantastic, earth shatteringly good idea you had in the pub last saturday night?
Probably isn't.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Fri 20 May 2011, 0:35, Reply)

No matter how much porn you watch
slapping a birds arse and asking her if she wants some, whilst in a checkout seems to not work.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 19 May 2011, 22:21, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

eggs
make ideal 'earths' for mice that want to pretend to be Atlas.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 19 May 2011, 22:17, Reply)

A frozen cheese wedge
makes a perfect door stop. Temporarily.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 19 May 2011, 22:15, Reply)

Valium
is an ideal 'viagra' if you're turned on by being sleepy.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 19 May 2011, 22:14, Reply)

A crisp packet
makes a cheap, yet effective condom if you have a giant cock. Which obviously, I have.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 19 May 2011, 22:12, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Avoid having a shit time in Blackpool
by not going to Blackpool
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 19 May 2011, 22:09, Reply)

Avoid watching celebrity juice on ITV2
by turning over
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 19 May 2011, 22:06, Reply)

News sub editors
Contrive a story that has no relevance to the day's news just so you can fill column inches with an eye-catching headline, i.e. a picture of a collective of Rodeo broncos galloping over the savannah so you can use the headline 'Bucking Fast Herds'.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 19 May 2011, 10:43, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

fit poorly maintained clown cars that have a habit of falling apart with an airbag detonator
beneath a custard pie mounted in the centre of the steering wheel. Not only will it guard from injury it will also provide slapstick capers a-plenty in the event of an accident.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 19 May 2011, 9:54, Reply)

if in a road accident
always offer the other party a drink of gin to calm them down. Then they can take the blame for being pissed.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 19 May 2011, 2:41, Reply)

Bread left on the side
makes ideal toast, for poor people that cant pay their electric meter
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 18 May 2011, 21:22, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If facing a situation in which there is a chance that you might dishonour yourself
commit suicide instead.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 May 2011, 17:11, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Jackie Chan
Buy a gun, it is much easier and will result in less injury to yourself
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 18 May 2011, 15:18, Reply)

Mafia bosses
To avoid assasination by other mafia bosses, have a shave yourself, at home before you go out. Therefore eliminating the chance of you being killed whilst sat with your back to a door in a barbers chair.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 18 May 2011, 14:55, Reply)

A cautionary tale..
On Reading Patient Information Leaflets in Prescription Drugs fully before taking...


I used to think "squat thrusts" were a Gym Exercise until I discovered Orlistat....
(frightfullybored, Wed 18 May 2011, 14:13, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Study leopards and tigers
rather than spending your time on B3ta in order to stand a better chance of passing your zoology exam in June.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 May 2011, 13:41, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Study leptons and tauons
rather than spending your time on B3ta in order to stand a better chance of passing your physics exam in June.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 18 May 2011, 13:03, Reply)

Polar bears make poor substitutes for penguins.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 May 2011, 12:56, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Build ice slides for polar bears to encourage them to think like penguins.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 May 2011, 12:23, Reply)

A bat on a string makes an ideal balloon for a beach.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 May 2011, 11:12, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

A balloon on a string, filled with sand
Makes an ideal normal balloon for bats.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 18 May 2011, 11:01, Reply)

Destroy hegemony
By recognizing problems and implementing change in order to transform social values and standards such that social resistance becomes stronger than the dominant ideology
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 18 May 2011, 9:45, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Avoid feelings of guilt, disgust and self-loathing
By not going on Holiday to Bangkok.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 18 May 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Subjugate the masses and repress the working class with distractions
to form your very own rule by hegemony.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 May 2011, 9:31, Reply)

Avoid being randomly punched in the side of your head
by not drinking in the Bowling Hotel, Bradford.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 18 May 2011, 0:42, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Help increase the fitness levels of taxi drivers
by running off without paying your fare.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 23:40, Reply)

Girders make ideal
liquorice for the hulk.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 23:39, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

confuse old men
by patting them on the head, giving them ten pence and telling them to 'run along to the sweet shop sonny'
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 23:37, Reply)