People who live in a haunted house
Remember that the lights still work when you go looking for the source of any spooky activity.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 30 May 2011, 23:53, Reply)

Hiring a car?
Don't be tempted to insist on an automatic to try and get a free upgrade. They may have an automatic available and then the joke will be on you, as you'll have to spend the whole time driving round in an automatic.
(Ed Quarters has moved house!, Mon 30 May 2011, 23:23, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

muslims live by your belifes that pork is dirty by
not living in Melton Mowbry and making pork pies for a living
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 30 May 2011, 19:29, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Vegetarians
remember; you cannot spell the word ‘shame’ without the word ‘ham’...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 30 May 2011, 16:18, Reply)

London Underground Stations
save a metric fuckload of electricity by removing all the downwards escalators and replace them with slides instead. Hey presto, gravity does the job of transporting people downwards for free! Also, in rush hour you can run a water hose down the slide thereby speeding up the transit and easing congestion.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 30 May 2011, 15:00, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make everything
sound like an thinly veiled insult by starting everything you say with "No offence, but.."
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 29 May 2011, 22:03, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Unfunny People,
begin earnest conversations with the phrase “I’m not being funny, but...”, thus unwittingly contradicting yourselves...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sun 29 May 2011, 3:12, Reply)

appear sage and worldly and well-read by quoting books and then adding your own commentary on the passage.
For example, JRR Tolkein in the Hobbit said that Elven arrows could hit a bird's eye in the dark. But in this enlightened age, so can a mishandled blow job climax.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 29 May 2011, 1:16, Reply)

"Literally"
Is not an adjective.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sun 29 May 2011, 0:17, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

You never know what might happen when next you cross the road.
Always give it an extra shake.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sun 29 May 2011, 0:04, Reply)

Convert friends to Christianity
by covertly stealing their phone if they leave it lying around, finding your name in the phone book, and changing your name to "God".
Then, whenever you see them doing something, send them a text telling not to do it.
A quick burst of "COVET NOT THY NEIGHBOUR'S WIFE" if you catch them inappropriately ogling works wonders.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Sat 28 May 2011, 20:35, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Gain a new appreciation for life and all it has to offer
By returning from a visit to Croydon.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 28 May 2011, 13:42, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Diamonds
make perfect kidney stones for giants.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 27 May 2011, 21:10, Reply)

A Protractor
is an excellent way to mark out the semi-circles on the edge of penalty areas when creating a football pitch for Wood Ants.
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 27 May 2011, 20:28, Reply)

If, during the planning of a robbery, you're asked to deal with packing explosives into a target van in order to gain access to the loot within
When the boss comes 'round during a practice run to check how you're getting on, make sure you've only used enough to blow the doors off.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:06, Reply)

If somebody asks you if you are a god,
you say, "YES".
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:59, Reply)

Whilst playing cards or cribbage,
order one’s valet to bring you meat tucked between two pieces of bread, thus allowing you to eat without getting your cards greasy from eating meat with your bare hands.
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 27 May 2011, 15:15, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Hiring a car?
Insist on something specific such as an automatic. The chances are they won't have one unless you're hiring a large saloon. They may well upgrade you for free in order to keep your custom.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 27 May 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Wherever else you need to book a hotel in the country
Consider the merits of staying in the Travelodge in Brentwood on the A127 in Essex and commuting the distance to wherever you need to go.

Being out of town and not near a late night club and mainly stayed in by hard working contractors and salespeople who actually have to get up in the morning you won't be woken up and kept awake by people banging about and arguing and drunkenly having conversations on cellphones in the corridor outside your room and family rooms full of kids unaccompanied with the TV on loudly and screaming at each other as the parents go out on the piss and the sound comes bleeding through the walls and you wish you had a shotgun to go round and ask serenely for silence while waving it about threateningly (not that you ever would use it but it's a way of getting their attention and drawing it to the seriousness of your complaint) and even if the sound of a couple knobbing away and shagging above/below/next door etc is a glorious affirmation of life it's keeping you awake at 4am especially when they find the best part about making up is the argument they have afterwards and the lift machinery and firedoors that constantly go on through out the night and the bathroom fan that turns on for no reason and the people who have been out in town that come back at 5am despite the fact they've got a 5am flight to Faliraki and outside there's the night bus service rumbling by or the dustbin men or the Chinooks whopping over from Wooton Basset...

None of these things. It may be a little worn and threadbare and slightly 90s-ish in decor and inside the much-maligned Essex borders (although very farm-y and countryside-y at this position) but it's LOVELY AND QUIET. I recommend it. To anyone. Oh, and check out is at 12 which was an unexpected bonus. I commend it to you all.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 27 May 2011, 2:02, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Regale Manchester United Fans
with your knowledge of their team’s fine pedigree, by informing them that the winning goal in the 1985 FA Cup Final was scored by Norman Wisdom.
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 26 May 2011, 19:47, Reply)

when using condoms as water bombs
Ribbed and Studded variants will allow a greater degree of throwing control as they provide more skin traction than Gossamer Ultra Thin.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 26 May 2011, 18:44, Reply)

Trick People
by joining The Magic Circle.
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 26 May 2011, 15:48, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

a mentos dropped into a cola drink is a damned good way of doing something unoriginal

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 26 May 2011, 14:00, Reply)

A mint imperial
hidden under a foreskin makes an invigorating surprise for a sexual partner.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 26 May 2011, 2:17, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Declare your intention
not to finish any sentences that day by ending every address with “[...], so...”
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 25 May 2011, 22:45, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Are you fed up with door-to-door salesmen/women?
Keep a small chainsaw near the front door and have it in your hands whenever you answer it. Nothing says "Fuck off, you theiving scum." like a potentially dangerous piece of equipment.
You can even get mains-powered, cheap, electric chainsaws now.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 25 May 2011, 18:16, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

A small oval-shaped piece of grass,
matchsticks for bails and stumps, a bat fashioned from cocktail sticks and a silver cake decorating bead as a ball make an excellent mini-cricket game for crickets.
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 25 May 2011, 17:58, Reply)

Praying Mantises make ideal "Nun"-style prostitutes
for butterflies.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 May 2011, 16:10, Reply)

on a low income with no self respect? then why not boost your income
by not handing items in that have been found for example mobile phones bodys or perhaps shopping
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 25 May 2011, 15:42, Reply)

piss people off by.......
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.
( Peej, Wed 25 May 2011, 14:14, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)