Porn Stars
Effect an air of mystery, intrigue and sophistication by keeping your clothes on and not having sex with just anyone who offers to pay you.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 13:07, Reply)

Annoy UB40 Fans
by telling them that if it moves and it shouldn't; use Gaffer tape, and if it doesn't move and it should, etc, etc...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 12:55, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

See a penny ... Pick it up
No don't ! You scavenging snake shit bastard
(Kevseabass, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 12:49, Reply)

See a penny ... Pick it up
Then throw it back down again coz it's worth fuck all
(Kevseabass, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 12:47, Reply)

Annoy UB40 fans by instructing them that they only made one album - Present Arms In Dub
and that the rest is utter, utter dross.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 12:43, Reply)

Annoy UB40 Fans
by telling them that you used to like it, but it was a bugger to fill in...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 12:41, Reply)

Make people think you've got a footage of a penguin
By filming a badger standing on its hind legs on the edge of a cliff.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 12:31, Reply)

genital warts painted with silver humbrol paint
can then be passed off as a 'vajazzle' off of that Essex programme.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 12:17, Reply)

If you ask a friend " would you tell anyone if one of your mates tried to get off with you?"
Make sure the answer is "no" before you ask them if they want to go camping
(Kevseabass, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 12:16, Reply)

An erect penis
makes an ideal reusable sausage for a vegetarian ladyfriend.

Or indeed malefriend.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Have actual sex or maybe a relationship with ugly women that are fun to be around
Because you can't wank about her personality and neither can anyone else. Perfect if you get jealous easy.
(Kevseabass, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 12:01, Reply)

Wind Up
cool R&B kids by telling them that the original version of R Kelly's 'Ignition' was better than 'Ignition Remix'...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:53, Reply)

Don't qualify for a free trip to Florida to swim with dolphins because you are normally functioning or simply can't afford it?
Take an aubergine to your local swimming baths intead they feel the same and seeing as dolphins hang around with too many vegetables they probably act very similar as well.
(Kevseabass, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:47, Reply)

Stop making dolphins swim with humans with special needs
We'll never know how intelligent they really are. They're being held back.
(Kevseabass, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:39, Reply)

Amnesiacs.
Don't waste money on Peter Kaye tickets.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:30, Reply)

Just got a job working for the BBC sound editing department?
Keep a copy of queens "don't stop me now" in case you have to edit a programme containing some downsydrome kids/adults having fun
(Kevseabass, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 11:09, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When you wipe suspiciously close to the edge of the paper
Trust your instinct. There is no need to sniff your fingers. Usually twice.
(Kevseabass, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:59, Reply)

Save money on expensive green tea
By boiling up some mud and water.
(Kevseabass, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:48, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Always keep a small packet of tissues in your pocket
in case of a sudden sneeze. Or wank.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 10:45, Reply)

Entertain your work colleagues by inadvertedly showing them your
"I've just taken a swig of unexpectedly cold coffee" face.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 9:41, Reply)

doing an Open University course?
Arrange to meet your tutor for a face to face session. Apparently there's a fund to pay for it and it is hardly touched.

Also your tutor may resemble the Big Friendly Giant.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 8 Jun 2011, 1:00, Reply)

Impress people in public...
By putting on your clever face and filling out the entire crossword and sudoku page of The Times at top speed with complete random tripe.I mean how are they going to know its wrong?
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 22:44, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

while out at festivals and other such
gatherings , in the unlikely event that you have forgotten or lost some thing simply root around in the nearest tent until you find any items you have misplaced
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 22:26, Reply)

Dyslexic punks ....
Save yourself the pain and suffering of a failed fellationship by taking a vow of celery.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 22:24, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Whistle posses at 1990s raves:
Indicate your whereabouts by blowing your whistle in time to the beat or rhythm of the tune playing.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 20:30, Reply)

a blindfold
Makes an ideal night-time for bats with jet lag.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 19:56, Reply)

Reprimand Adults
who reprimand young children for incorrectly pluralising the word 'man' as 'mans', by pointing out that you have been teaching them Newspeak as created by George Orwell in the novel 1984...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 7 Jun 2011, 19:31, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Doctors
Just do prostate examinations because they are gay.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 19:13, Reply)

If you ever find yourself in Fawlty Towers
Don't mention the war.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 19:12, Reply)