Car tip
Passer-by, convince motorists they are driving round a town filled with internet paedos by smearing vaseline over all of your faces.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 14:36, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Car manufacturers save lives
Male drivers reaction times can be increased when a possible crash is detected by simply playing a recording of the drivers wife/girlfriend saying "can I use the computer?"
(Kevseabass, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 14:36, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Car tip
Motorists! Convince passers-by you are drunk by smearing Vaseline over your windscreen.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 14:35, Reply)

A cheese grater
Is the script from saw for blind actors
(Kevseabass, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 14:26, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Sand paper
Makes an excellent action thriller for blind people
(Kevseabass, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 14:24, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Car Tip
Motorists! Convince passers-by they're on TV by smearing Vaseline over your number-plates.
(costas, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 13:52, Reply)

Three Matchboxes
stacked one of top of each other, make an ideal chest of drawers for large stag beetles...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 20 Jun 2011, 13:15, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Rock stars!
Use your celebrity status to give airtime to the causes you think are important.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Sticking a cucumber
through Patrick Moore's letterbox and telling him the Martians and landed* may seem like a merry jape, but he is pushing 90 and can't be doing with such antics.

* Credit to Ken Dodd
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 21:56, Reply)

It's old but true:
If your audience don't understand you, it's probably your fault. Either that or they are not the audience you want.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 16:14, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Correct People's
grammar, by telling them that the correct term is 'an diamond'.
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sat 18 Jun 2011, 16:11, Reply)

The game 'postman's cock'
Involving sticking your cock through a letter box whilst other people whack it with a rolled up newspaper, may seem like a good idea when drunk of an evening. But the swelling and bruising the following day makes you wonder why you decided to play such a game.

And, 14 seconds if anyone was interested.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 13:46, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Convince People
that the role of Paul in The Wonder Years was played by Marilyn Monroe...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 17 Jun 2011, 22:26, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Don't write stories about
wanking at Disneyland, if you are going to be mortified when they end up in a newsletter.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 19:44, 9 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Inspired by TitanLX
In a shit relationship and wanting to end it, but don't want to be the one that does the dumping?
Simply have your partner get into reading the Daily Mail everyday. After about two years, announce that you're quitting work and claiming benefits so you can fulfil your conversion to Islam. Hey presto, you'll be dumped faster than something that gets dumped quickly.

This will be extra effective if you're female and intend to wear a full veil.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 15:54, Reply)

Audi drivers
them orange lights on the corners of your car are there for a reason.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 15:20, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Play a real life game of "Angry Birds"
With a scale model of an onager loaded with birdseed laced with a mild sedative. The drowsy birds can then be used to try and knock down a neighbour's dilapidated rickety old shed.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 14:21, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Lottery ticket losers
It doesn't matter if you got two numbers plus the bonus, you still get bugger all. Also, Camelot don't give a flying fuck if you only get two numbers, especially if they have the novelty of being on different lines, so it's a safe bet that anyone you tell won't be sympathetic to your perceived close brush with unlimited riches.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 17 Jun 2011, 14:01, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When in Fish & Chip shops
point out that the space between fish and and and and and chips on their sign is larger...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 17 Jun 2011, 13:16, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

talk inverse cockney rhyming slang
by going to the greengrocers and asking for a 'pound of stairs', then expect to recieve 454grams' worth of apples and pears.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 17 Jun 2011, 13:13, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make Up Strange British Customs
such as applauding when an emergency services vehicle screams past, sirens a-blazing, to confuse "forriners"...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 17 Jun 2011, 13:00, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Annoy people...
By making subtle grammatical errors with apostrophe's and then watch them silently implode with impotent rage.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 12:45, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Convince colleagues that you are psycho
By gently stroking a large knife while they talk to you, and whispering to it "Soon ... soon, my pretty, shall the blood of the forsaken clothe you, and our purpose become clear ..."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 11:30, Reply)

convince colleagues that you are psychic
by answering work questions with 'The voices are unclear...' while putting your hand to your head and squinting.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 17 Jun 2011, 11:03, Reply)

Annoy your girlfriend
by not allowing her to sleep with me.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 9:23, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Erk Arsenal Fans
by saying that, you too, support "The Gunners". When they respond with glee stating "Ah, a fellow Arsenal supporter then?", simply state, "No, Gun United".
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 17 Jun 2011, 9:08, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Fed up with soap
welding itself to the soap dish? Imperial Leather soap has a small raised plinth with a paper label, on which you stand the soap, thus creating a small surface which will not adhere to the soap dish, the label makes sure that it won't stick by acting as a barrier between the soap and the dish. That is its purpose, not for decoration, which also explains why it never seems to come off until the soap has nearly all gone.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 23:21, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Don't waste a whole evening watching 'that new film'
Simply look up the film in question on Wikipedia and read the full plot synopsis in minutes.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 22:39, Reply)