Prevent homosexual tendencies
By not watching gay porn.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 19:00, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Putting an anvil inside your shed
prevents it from being stolen.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 18:59, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Shopkeepers
Stop theft and shoplifting overnight by not charging for any of your products.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 18:54, Reply)

Trendy people:
Assume other people are also trendy by assuming they don't watch Top Gear and find it crass and childish.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 18:32, Reply)

Men
assume other men, by way of their gender, like Top Gear by asking them if they watched Top Gear the other day...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 13 Jul 2011, 16:54, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Women in your 40s - avoid becoming the single, mad cat lady
by getting a boyfriend and not buying a cat.
( camp freddy well, would you look at that!, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 16:25, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Injury Lawyers 4 U
In a masterstroke of marketing, make your leading 'Trust us!' advocate in the TV advert an actor who is most recently known for playing the dodgiest bent copper the Bill has ever seen ('DS Don Beech').
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 13 Jul 2011, 13:36, Reply)

Lift makers
Reinforce the stereotype that women state the bloody obvious by having a recorded woman's voice talking its way through the whole experience, i.e. 'Doors Opening!' "Doors Closing!" "Going Up!" etc. YES I KNOW.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 13 Jul 2011, 13:12, Reply)

Dont ever talk to Americans...
thats pretty much it....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 11:54, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Unsettle fellow airline passengers
at take-off and landing, by shutting your eyes, clutching rosary beads and rocking back and forth whilst mumbling unintelligibly to yourself...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 13 Jul 2011, 8:54, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Don't ever talk to Americans about...
a) Politics
b) Religion

Ignore this tip at your peril!!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 0:44, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

scare the shit out of people with iPods on in the street
especially those not really paying attention, minding their own business and so forth... Run at them wildly, put your face right upto theirs and shout 'GORILLA!!!!!' and run the opposite way to which you just came.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 21:47, Reply)

If you sit on your phone whilst it is ringing
when you answer it then it feels like someone else is on the other end.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 21:44, Reply)

Truck drivers
Attach a penis enlarger pump directly to your air-line using reinforced rubber tubing, so as you are driving you can add to the pleasure of the vibrations without having to stop at service stations to buy pornography.
Therefore giving you more time to kill prostitutes and buy rolls of carpets.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 21:41, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Hasbro, makers of Play-Doh
Get young kids familiar with the smell of cyanide by flavouring your product with bitter almonds.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 12 Jul 2011, 20:23, Reply)

Airport check-in staff
once completing the particulars for Ron and Russell Mael, bid them a fond farewell with the bon mot 'I guess Sparks are really gonna fly!'...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 12 Jul 2011, 18:04, Reply)

Annoy work colleagues
by going for a Hi-five, before quickly breaking into the Morcambe and Wise 'hand behind the head jumpy walk' down the corridor, leaving them hitting thin air.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 10:31, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Hang a black sock off either ear,
and hold a plastic cup in your mouth, so that it covers your nose too, for a convincing dog disguise.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Attaching velcro to your mobile phone
and sticking it to your sideburns, is a great alternative to a hands-free kit.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Mon 11 Jul 2011, 14:18, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Try not to make stupid comments in front of the girlfriend's family
if they have no idea you are joking.

One example, is if you are all watching TV, say at her parents house, and an advert for a program called say, 'Strictly Kosher' comes on. Do not say, "Jews are a bit weird aren't they?". If you get a response from your girlfriend similar to say, "You can't say that!", do not say, "Well they are, look! Hitler had the right idea", even if you are joking, as her parents and grandparents may not realise this fact.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Mon 11 Jul 2011, 14:16, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

4444th!
De-ionised water makes an ideal low-calorie alternative for mineral water. It's even lighter than mineral water, making it idea to take out in a jogging bottle!
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 11 Jul 2011, 13:33, Reply)

Infuriate Liverpudlians
by putting lock nuts on your wheels.
(bunglist, Mon 11 Jul 2011, 13:10, Reply)

Infuriate die-hard football fans
by insisting that the pronunciation of the name of arguably the world's greatest-ever player, Pelé, is not 'Pe-lay' but rather 'Peel'...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 11 Jul 2011, 12:25, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

As evidence that some people suspend disbelief if it clashes with their ideal of reality
a) You can either point to the fact that religious people believe in an invisible sky pixie but support the paradox of not seeking proof because proof destroys belief and without belief there can be no existence of said sky pixie OR
b) point to he fact that people reading the Sun choose to believe the frankly unlikely scenario that Nikki, 22 from Romford holds any opinion whatsoever about the ability of the Large Hadron Collider to capture evidence of the Higgs Boson, even if she does have her tits out.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 11 Jul 2011, 9:24, Reply)

Former Grange Hill teachers
when portraying former Nazi leaders in blockbusting films from 1989, sign your Despotic character's name in the 'Grail Diary' clearly and legibly, so 6-year-old boys do not mis-interpret your scrawl and ask their fathers who 'Alan Hitler' is...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 8 Jul 2011, 17:05, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Upset the fat person at work
by buying them one of those inflatable sumo costumes as a Christmas present. When handing it to them, say "I hope this leotard fits. This was the biggest they had, but i've included a gift receipt".
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 8 Jul 2011, 16:15, Reply)

trick your friends into buying stuff on ebay...
By sending them an email asking them to bid high on something you're selling because the price is ridiculously low. Then direct them to a strangers auction pretending it's your own.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 8 Jul 2011, 13:26, Reply)

Infuritate those
who claim Maradona's second goal against England in the 1986 World Cup is the greatest-ever, by claiming it was a Terry Butcher own goal...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 8 Jul 2011, 12:41, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

overcompensate for having a tiny car
by growing a massive penis
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 8 Jul 2011, 11:51, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

create a reflexive inverse time paradox
by not going back to the past in order to destroy a time machine that you don't have.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 8 Jul 2011, 8:32, Reply)