My Christmas Survival Guide
#1: Carol Singers.

Simply put on a skull-cap, walk up to the door singing ‘Hava Nagila’ loudly, and answer the door with a big smile and a cry of ‘Shalom!’.

#2: The Shopping.

You will need a willing accomplice for this. Take one handkerchief and liberally splatter with drops of yellow, green and above all, red food colouring. Then walk around coughing loudly, waving the handkerchief and arguing with your accomplice that ‘No, the doctor didn’t say it was contagious, did he?’.

#3: Presents.

Buy everyone a box of batteries labeled with ‘Gift Not Included’.

#4: Midnight Mass.

Bored of the same old hymns? Start creating your own lyrics and slipping them into familiar songs, a point for each one nobody notices. By the way, ‘Labeled Four Cheeses’ makes a great substitute for ‘Lord Baby Jesus’.

#5: Christmas Dinner.

An easy one this. Just ply everyone with plenty of drinks, ensure that there are plenty of nibbles to hand, and at a strategic point, when everyone is drunk enough, stand up and announce ‘I’ll just do the washing up then’. If you’ve done it right, they’ll all say ‘No, leave it til later, let dinner go down first’.

#6: Not enough ‘specialized’ drinks for cocktails etc.

Stock up before Christmas with plenty of cheap vodka, then just add it to various household liquids for the desired effect. Sugar and instant coffee makes a good substitute for Tia Maria, mouthwash makes an excellent ersatz Crème De Menthe, and a tin of custard provides the perfect advocaat.

#7: Decorating the tree.

Explain how you’re going back to the more traditional ideas this Christmas, and bring a bucket of chicken entrails into the room. Hey presto, plenty of volunteers for decorating the tree, as long as they don’t want to do it with the entrails of course. Though if they do, remember that entrails are biodegradable, ecologically friendly, and the smell will leave the house in a few years anyway.

#8: Arguments over what to watch on the TV.

Kick the screen in. That way, no more TV, no more arguments.

#9: Crap songs on the radio.

For this solution you will need:
1 500ml plastic bottle a quarter full of petrol
1 sack of fertilizer
10 bags of sugar
1 functional mobile phone, fully charged with SIM card and the number
2 wires, approximately 1ft in length each
Some tools, namely a miniature screwdriver set and a set of fine wire-strippers
A roll of electrical tape and a roll of duct tape
An old car, preferably one you wouldn’t mind seeing blown up
The address of the local radio station

Erm, perhaps this one wouldn’t be such a good idea…
(Tyburn Finds the name Lauren Muff inexplicably funny, Sat 18 Oct 2008, 0:36, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I like it :)
(Fleximus Rex briefly gave up lurking on, Sat 18 Oct 2008, 2:30, Reply)

Last christmas, I gave you my arse, but the very next day...
#9 is soooooooo tempting at times.

*clicky*
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Sat 18 Oct 2008, 12:17, Reply)

MI5 bait
If my door gets kicked in by special forces because I read #9, I'll be not too best part pleased.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 19 Oct 2008, 2:10, Reply)

It's ok...
...apparently it won't work anyway.
(Tyburn Finds the name Lauren Muff inexplicably funny, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 1:39, Reply)