My 200kg anvil
It's been in the house for as long as anyone can remember. Indeed, the house was built around it. Though it wouldn't be damaged by a fire, I'd hate to see it blackened and charred.

As a consequence, I have laid out a pathway of greased logs across my carpet, a pivot and a steel ramp so that in the event of a fire, I'll be able to kick the anvil on to the ramp, pivot it on to the logs and roll it directly out of the front or back door.

Many people have said that an anvil is a curious thing to save from a fire, but they usually don't realise that the sword of King Arthur - the mighty Excalibur - is embedded in the steel and has been for eons stretching back into the time of myth. Legend has it that whomsoever pulls the sword will become king of the realm. Oh, I've tried! But to no avail. Nor has the never-ending queue of knights in armour been able to do anything about it.

If that wasn't bad enough, there's a samurai sword in it, too. Legend has it that whomsoever pulls the sword will become Katana Judoku Kan - the Overlord of the Samurai and ruler of all Japan. I tell you, the number of Sunday mornings I've been got out of bed by little guys in leather armour and ornate carved face masks wanting to have a pull at the sword. Most of them don't speak a word of English and they get tetchy if you tell them to piss off. One of them had the cat's leg of with his sword.

I need hardly mention the Viking sword of Edragar, the Claymore of McWalkers, the Gladius of Magnanimus, the Cutlass of Maltoon or the Sabre of the Mogol Hordes. That anvil is like a bloody porcupine of notorious mythical swords - none of which anyone can pull out. Some days they're queuing round the block, rattling armour and chattering in extinct languages about how they're going to rule the known world. I've had letters from the council about it. Just last week a Mongol horder diced Mrs Buttucks as she tried to gain access to the Co-Op.

What can you do? I'm the guardian of the anvil. It's something to put on your CV.
(frankspencer, Wed 14 May 2008, 9:41, 12 replies)

The world you inhabit, is really quite special.
I like this a lot.
( The magic of chutney Shakes it like an Instagram filter!, Wed 14 May 2008, 9:43, closed)

Wow
Write a book frank - the world needs your imagination
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Wed 14 May 2008, 9:52, closed)

That
Was fantastic.
I can't help but wonder if you ingested a Tom Holt book somewhere along the line to come up with this though.
( Cawl, Wed 14 May 2008, 9:57, closed)

you've been had, mate
There was an offer on flöng anvils in Ikea last week - buy one get a free sword. I only went in for a Billy bookcase and came out with £127 worth of ironmongery.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 14 May 2008, 9:57, closed)

What about...
...the rapier of the Crimson Pimpernel? And Lord Byron's mate Algonon Fitzherbert's foil?

Oh, and CHCB - don't mention Ikea again, OK?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 14 May 2008, 10:13, closed)

Question:
Assuming this anvil is a standard, blacksmith's lump of iron, it must be quite small if it only weighs 200kg. How do all these ancient warriors get around the thing to tug at their respective choppers?

You ought to set up a turnstile or something. One in, one out. That kind of deal.
( Kroney, Wed 14 May 2008, 10:24, closed)

hmmmm
I have exactly the same problem, bloody holy grail tho innit.
I'm perpetually being woken up by the Knights fecking Templar, not to mention Nazis and Harrison Ford (grumpy C*nt)... well annoying... i'm thinking of taking the advertisment out of Loot, more trouble than it's worth...
(Ryfelwr can't stop here... this is bat country, Wed 14 May 2008, 10:51, closed)

:)
Utmost respect frankspencer. You improved my shitty day considerably.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 14 May 2008, 10:57, closed)

I hate to be a pedant,
But Caliburn was the sword in the stone, Excaliber was that fishy old bint "the Lady in the Lakes" chopper.

Sorry

Edit: How rude, top story so clickage!
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 14 May 2008, 11:51, closed)

sword/stone
This one was in an anvil, not a stone. And it WAS Excalibur because it said so on the blade.
(frankspencer, Wed 14 May 2008, 12:48, closed)

This
Made me laugh. An excellent read!
(uk_viper stopped lurking on, Wed 14 May 2008, 12:51, closed)

@Frank
Hehe fair enough, a sword is a sword is a sword (unless its Stormbringer and / or Mournblade, then you are fucked!)

This reminds me of the Neil Gaiman story where a woman buys the Holy Grail from a charity shop and Sir Galahad keeps turning up and asking for it.
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 14 May 2008, 13:59, closed)