i was the bridesmaid for evie, my oldest friend from school, a couple of years ago
she and her husband are both a bit scatty. when i arrived at the church for the rehearsal, they were late. she'd had her toe bitten by a dachshund and had to go for stitches/shots. meanwhile the groom, who never wears suits, had no idea that he needed cufflinks for all the men's shirts, and was on an emergency dash to buy 8 pairs of cufflinks. and the best man had broken down on the m6 and was being towed towards us very slowly.

we finally made it down the aisle, so i was standing behind her, her dad and the husband. the vicar started to drone the words. after a couple of minutes, evie asked where her bit was. when we looked, the vicar had absent-mindedly clasped her husband-to-be's hand with her dad's, and they were just standing there bemusedly holding hands in front of evie whilst the vicar said the vows.

meanwhile i had concerns about the church floor. it had a very ornate metal grate all down the centre of the aisle. i knew that i had to juggle 2 small children, a bouquet, a rather unchristian-deep-cut dress, the bride's veil and stiletto heels down that thing. i asked if i could walk along the side of it.

"no problem," the lying vicar twat said. "we cover it up with a red carpet on the day."

of course it turned out the red carpet was actually red tissue paper. as i turned around at the top of the aisle to sit down after taking the bride's bouquet, my heel pierced it, caught in the grate, and i stumbled in front of the whole congregation. the dress yanked down to lower than anyone - especially my dad and brothers - wanted to see, and i so so so nearly yelled, "FUCK!!!" in a house of god as i thought i was going to faceplant on the stone floor.

luckily i caught myself, and sat down with no more than a wrenched ankle, but of course everyone except the bride had seen it :( :( :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Nov 2014, 9:02, 14 replies)

And this is why you should wear SENSIBLE SHOES.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 4 Nov 2014, 9:07, closed)

Also, you should totally go all Claims Direct on his ass, concealing hazards like that someone could have been killed

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 4 Nov 2014, 9:15, closed)

swipe -v- god

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Nov 2014, 9:48, closed)

By "a bit scatty" do you mean they are coprophiles?

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 4 Nov 2014, 9:25, closed)

Did this actually happen, or is this merely a scene from your LOLarious shitcom/period drama?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 4 Nov 2014, 9:44, closed)

it actually happened
let's face it, clumsy oaf gets heel stuck in grate is not a great story. but at least it doesn't involve skagra.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Nov 2014, 9:48, closed)

Well that Miranda Hart bird seems to have got a prime-time series out of it. Fuck knows how.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 4 Nov 2014, 10:03, closed)

Something something
Die in the Lake of Fire.
(RebelWithoutApplause My underestimation will almost be the death of me, Tue 4 Nov 2014, 11:27, closed)

But it did
I was there (in one of my male incarnations) and I watched and wanked.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sat 8 Nov 2014, 10:57, closed)

awful
just ... awful
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 4 Nov 2014, 10:24, closed)

are you still alive?
it's amazing that a joyless sinkhole like you hasn't died of misery by now.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Nov 2014, 10:26, closed)

never seen Miranda ... sounds shitter than I imagined

(old man river possible lesbian, Tue 4 Nov 2014, 12:33, closed)

^ can't resist qotw's magnetic pull ^

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Nov 2014, 12:39, closed)

And the video evidence is where?!
You never trust a vicar, I have a friend who is one and I trust him as far as I can throw him. He's a devious bugger and he knows it.
Good little story though.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Wed 5 Nov 2014, 10:32, closed)