HOW TO CATCH 'GAY'
Back in 1988 when I was thirteen I had one overriding goal in life. Granted, I set this goal to one side for a brief period while I attempted to come up with a convincing way to make myself appear older so I could get in to see this new movie everyone was raging about called Die Hard, but after being told to: “Fuck off!” on four separate occasions by the duty manager at my local Odeon, I turned my attention back to my original plan.

It might sound a bit petty, a little stupid, not something worthy of a plan at all… but, well, here goes…

I wanted to know what it felt like to put my cock in someone’s mouth.

First port of call: the ladies (well, the pubescent girlies who lived round my way – I went to an all boys school at the time so unless I fancied acquainting myself with Strange Dave who used to decorate his Puma bag with little tip-exed on flowers and talk about how fucking marvelous Oscar fucking Wilde was all day fucking long, my chances of getting head at school were zero). It took me the best part of a month to realize the girlies were a non-starter. Apparently they’d rather listen to Bros, read Smash Hits, and gush over Jason-fucking-Donovan than entertain the thought of putting my wee-wee in their smile slot. I even tried it on with a few of the older women (we’re talking fifteen and sixteen year olds). I must’ve been told to fuck off more often than a Durex salesman at a Roman Catholic convention for nymphomaniacs with a penchant for the genuine cream pie feel in their gusset areas.

So I had to come up with another plan, another way to feel the warmth, the moist heat of another human beings mouth round my bell end. Then, sitting round in my room one night staring down at my hard as oak and aching cock, something occurred to me. Something my dad said once: “If you want something done, son, you’ve gotta do it yourself…”

Well… worth a (cum)shot, I suppose…

I stripped naked, stared down at my eager little frozen prawn, bobbing up and down and doing a little dance like a smaller, pinker MC Hammer, and deliberated how the fuck I was going to get the damn thing inside my gob. The answer? With great fucking difficulty, that’s how. I started by moving a book case to one side so I had a bit of uncluttered wall, then I sort of did a forward roll handstand thing so my head was on the floor and my cock was dangling down above me, and then using the wall as a brace for my back, I – ever so slowly – inched my feet along the carpet. Bit by bit. Little by little. I could feel weird things going on in my insides, felt like my kidneys were popping and my spin was rupturing, but I kept going. And then – and then… sticking out my tongue as much as I could… I… I…

… I licked my japs eye.

And then I instantly shot a hot wad of spunk over my own face, hair, and into my mouth. It felt like I was being attacked by the salty version of the face hugger out of Alien.

The shock of this made me loose what little concentration I had, I rolled to one side, twatted my bare arse on the bookcase which tipped over with a crash and pinned me to the floor. Momentarily, It was like a scene from a weird cross over gay porn disaster movie as I lay there sobbing, covered in gloopy manfat.

Pain? No, I wasn’t in pain, well, no more than a slightly dyspraxic tosspot teenager can take during the course of a normal day bumping into shit. No, I was – for one of the few moments in my life - actually disgusted with myself. I’d just tasted semen. Hot semen. Straight from the bottle. After I’d clambered out from under the bookcase and used an old sock to clean the sticky cock cream off myself, I looked in the mirror and thought: ‘You dirty, dirty, dirty boy…’

And I spent the next week or so wondering if I’d somehow managed to catch gay. Thankfully, I hadn’t caught gay.* But I did start hanging out a lot more with Strange Dave at school after this. But that was probably just a coincidence.

*Not that that’s a problem. Whatever floats yer boat, but the thought of ramming my cock up another fellas hairy ringpiece, well, its just not for me. A bit like tapas.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 17:04, 10 replies)

HaHa!
You f*cking loon! Reminds me of the start of the film 'Shortbus'...

A hale and hearty *click*
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 3 Dec 2009, 17:13, closed)

tapas? tap ass?
i thought you said you hadn't caught gay
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 17:13, closed)

With tongue skillz like that...
... You would make an excellent rent-boy. ;-)
I actually tried it myself, and did succede in touching it with my tongue, then it wilted as I realised I was looking down the barrel of a pump-action yoghurt cannon.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 17:36, closed)

trust me
its fuck all like tapas, more like chocolate cake.
(imallamallama looking forward to llamageddon on, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 22:21, closed)

I bet
there's not a teenage boy in the country that hadn't tried that.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 23:14, closed)

Excellent
work you madman!
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 9:17, closed)

One of your best
Really. Jeezus man.
(McChinaman banned, Sat 5 Dec 2009, 11:09, closed)

hahahaha
It's like a cross between Porkies and the scene from Jurassic Park with the acid spitters :D

Wrong, so so wrong lol
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 5 Dec 2009, 13:08, closed)

Reason 9987 that
Coventry should be reduced to a pile of smoking rubble.
(Biff..., Mon 7 Dec 2009, 16:36, closed)

Wow-have a click
for impressive flexibility if nothing else! Think I'd need a much bendier backbone or a humungously long todger to even attempt the same trick.
(Snabblim Dropfritt, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 14:55, closed)