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Look at this.
Guardian's Pick of the Fringe 2009.
I draw your attention in particular to the comments, all of which are from desperate producers posing as audience members, claiming to have heard of particular shows going up this year and expressing concern that the Guardian readership may be unaware of these brilliant performances. My profession sickens me.

Also, I've been to FRANCE with Lady Newington and her daughter. We stayed with mainly British expats whose favourite pastime is to complain about foreigners coming to Britain and not being British enough between mouthfuls of smuggled Tesco plumduff, but also with some nice self-sufficient dropout types. We looked after goats and ducks, built walls and woodpiles, and I killed a guinea-fowl for tea. Once a mean French woman tried to hide our dinner from us. And once on my way down by bike the gendarmes woke me up in my tent at 2am and asked me if a knife was mine.

By the way, there's an excellent show called Broken Holmes going on the Fringe this year, which I happen to have heard of. The writer/producer is particularly clever, important and attractive.
(I helped save b3ta! Newington, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 11:57, archived)
I'm going to Edinburgh this weekend
Would you like me to punch you if I see you?
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 11:58, archived)
I hope you're cycling there!

(likeajackhammer, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:13, archived)
Oh, ok, fai enough.

(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 11:59, archived)
Howdo, Gonz.
Now, I know you like your grub, so I'm going to tell you that I'm having liver and onions and mash in a short while in the hope of provoking some kind of response from people who consider in banal beyond criminality to talk about food, yet would happily chunter joylessly about football or somesuch for days on end.
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:02, archived)
Easy Geeze.
I had deep fried liver when out in cypus, it was dead-good. The trick to liver, in my opinon, is burnt on the outside, pink in the middle.

I've come up with some amazing recipys recently, i'm well handy in the kitchen.
(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:04, archived)
Nice one
Although I'm no friend of pink meat, each to their own though.
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:07, archived)
I thought you were an all right sort of cove.
You're dead to me now. DEAD.
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:09, archived)
I've gone too far this time

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:11, archived)
that's not really just your opinion
that's just how you cook it, Gonz.
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:08, archived)
I boil mine in the bath

(I helped save b3ta! Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:12, archived)
yes, but what about the liver


lol I'm inferring that you boil your love-pods in the bath roffle
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:14, archived)
love-pods?
DG's are gargantuan basketballs of lust!
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:15, archived)
Magic Johnson has dribbled with them
in both senses.
(I helped save b3ta! Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:16, archived)
Really, DG
you could have chosen a less AIDSy basketball player... ;)
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:17, archived)
did you burn your neck?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:00, archived)
I'm going to be honest here, I'm not really into pokemon, so I didn't quite get what he was getting at.

(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:01, archived)
POKEMANS
www.rogueintellectproductions.com/Art/DMV-Pokemans.jpg
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:02, archived)
I love that picture.

(I helped save b3ta! JessAction Give me all your expensive brandy and hubcaps., Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:02, archived)
Fringe eh?
Might have to have a nosey this year, a friend of mine is performing up there.
(I helped save b3ta! jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:00, archived)
Makes me laugh when people complain about immigrants,
then they emigrate themselves.

I'm sure the Spanish and French must be sick of us by now.
(I helped save b3ta! Major Turd for tonight only, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:00, archived)
My dad started going on about emigrating to New Zealand because of all the foreigners.

(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:02, archived)
haha

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:17, archived)
sounds fun-filled!
Which part of France?
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:00, archived)
Foothills of the Pyrenees, then somewhere else, then Normandy.

(I helped save b3ta! Newington, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:01, archived)
Ooooh... in the Languedoc?
Lovely part of France. History's a bit bloody there mind, silly Cathars.
(I helped save b3ta! jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:03, archived)
ar, I lived down there for a bit
it's got full of twatty Brits complaining about other twatty Brits
(I helped save b3ta! Mighty Nibus who dares gins | @nibus, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:13, archived)
Is anyone else going to War of the Worlds at the O2 this weekend?

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:01, archived)
I left it to long to buy tickets and they shot up to £150ish =((((((

(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:01, archived)
I'll be thinking of your Jewishness

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:02, archived)
I hope the huge tripod crushes you, and by the way, at the end, the aliens lose.
HA !
(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:07, archived)
I heard your mum gets a cameo for the bit where the disembodied head says:
'a rounded bulk larger than a bear rose up glistening like wet leather'
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:08, archived)
I heard the "Whooooo-lar" bit was a stolen catchphrase from your dad.

(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:17, archived)
hell no
it's unbearable.
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:06, archived)
There are no words to describe your wrongness

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:07, archived)
there are many
but none are suitable for polite conversation.

I think I was put off by all the David Essex present in it.
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:08, archived)
He's alright in it.
Besides, Phil Lynott!
(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:09, archived)
Isn't he dead?

(I helped save b3ta! jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:11, archived)
Not when they recorded the album, no.

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:13, archived)
Oh right
Thought you meant he was performing live through the medium of grotesque puppetry. Or, David Acorah.
(I helped save b3ta! jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:16, archived)
I know what you thought I meant.

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:21, archived)
You might be put off
My Mum would be there like a shot.
(I helped save b3ta! jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:10, archived)
fucking David Essex

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:13, archived)
You're going to be there, dabbing at your winky with a handkerchief every time you hear a tuba.

(I helped save b3ta! Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:11, archived)
officegiggle

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:16, archived)
I'm reading about heraldry on Wikipedia.
This paragraph amuses me.

The field of a shield, or less often a charge or crest, is sometimes made up of a pattern of colors, or variation. A pattern of horizontal (barwise) stripes, for example, is called barry, while a pattern of vertical (palewise) stripes is called paly. A pattern of diagonal stripes may be called bendy or bendy sinister, depending on the direction of the stripes. Other variations include chevrony, gyronny and chequy. For further variations, these are sometimes combined to produce patterns of barry-bendy, paly-bendy, lozengy and fusilly.
(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:02, archived)
wow! Now I'm reading about heraldry too!

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:03, archived)
I shall be testing you on it later.

(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:04, archived)
Bendy Sinister would be a good pseudonym.

(I helped save b3ta! Newington, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:06, archived)
You!
Were you walking your dog last night on Liberton Road between King's buildings and Cameron Toll at just before 8 last night?

yes, I am stalking you
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:07, archived)
yes,
we were going to the pub.
(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:14, archived)
Ha, I knew it.
My stalking plan is complete

or I might have on my way to Peffermill for a hockey game when I saw you as I drove past. YOU DECIDE.
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:17, archived)
what does the dog drink?

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:17, archived)
Alaska?

/Mine used to quite like lager, but the Retrievers I had when I was younger favoured bitter out of empty crisp bags.
(I helped save b3ta! the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:19, archived)
Jamaica.
also, aww. Shlorp schlorp.
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:20, archived)
well he's not 18 yet,
so he has to have a half of lemonade and a packet of crisps.
(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:34, archived)
Are there any dinosaurs at the Fringe this year?

(I helped save b3ta! Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:02, archived)
Apparently so.
Programme (PDF the size of the moon) here
(I helped save b3ta! Newington, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:06, archived)
I thought the Fringe Festival was a celebration of haircuts.

(I helped save b3ta! Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:07, archived)
SPAM
FUCK OFF.
(I helped save b3ta! Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:03, archived)
I heard there was some good comedy on a Tuesday

(I helped save b3ta! WormuIus, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:07, archived)
SPAM UP

(I helped save b3ta! BILL DOOR - MOON-MASTER, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:08, archived)
That's nice

(I helped save b3ta! Pickle Fairy is clumsily dancing away this fear, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:04, archived)
It's Newington!
Hello there. Not seen you around in a while.
(I helped save b3ta! Noit happy baby orangutan, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:13, archived)
I've mostly been doing stuff.

(I helped save b3ta! Newington, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:18, archived)