THREADJACKDo I dare? It occurred to me that ways to get back at flatmates may be in order too. My favourites (all tried and tested):
Hypodermic full of milk
Inject into mattress or pillow. Repeat. Move out within a week as it will develop a personality all of its own.
Prawns
Sure, you can sew them into curtain hems or secret them inside curtain rails, but mashed into carpets or hidden on high shelves is just as good.
Spam
Ooh yes. Once you have your ex-flatmate's email address, fill in every popup ad with their details. Which brings me to...
The Great Kosta Campaign
About ten years ago, two of my friends were living in a youth hostel. Kosta, the cnut of a manager evicted them on a weeks notice to move his mates in, kept their deposit and all that sort of malarkey. So they decided to get even.
This being pre-internet days, they used the Royal Mail as a weapon. Every 30-day home trial in the Sunday supplements, every book and record club, every free offer in The People's Friend and My Weekly, the lot.
After about two weeks, things started turning up. They had friends living in the hostel, so they monitored what was arriving. The first, I think, was the matching pair of kitten-shaped doorstops. The six thermal teapots were definitely the second. And then the deluge started happening.
KY-Jelly pessaries, knitting patterns, wool, membership packs for the Humpty Dumpty Club, stamps, you name it. Other people got in on the act as well, and it all kind of blew out of control. The same selection was ordered from every book and record club (these being the days of expensive-to-mail-back vinyl) - the heavier the better. Encyclopediae? Yes please. Four hardbacks (counts as one selection!)? You got it.
Needless to say, other avenues were explored. Plumbers, minicabs, pizzas, reps for conservatories and Stannah Stairlifts were all duly summoned. Goods were ordered from industrial catalogues on the offchance that they might just send stuff on credit and astonishingly, some did.
The afterburner spares for the Bell Huey jetcopter weren't sent, (although a letter of the 'Who the watermelon?' variety from Michigan did arrive), and neither was the argon gas laser. But a portable defibrilator was sent by special delivery, and a number of phone calls were recieved enquiring as to the delivery location for the lorry full of tarmac.
Gradually, our moles moved out of the hostel, so the eventual outcome is unknown. But the last we heard, Kosta was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and had 'Not know at this address' labels specially printed up.
The boys in blue took a pretty dim view of all this, so it's possibly pushing your luck to go quite this far these days. But it was fun at the time.
(Hypodermic full of milk
Inject into mattress or pillow. Repeat. Move out within a week as it will develop a personality all of its own.
Prawns
Sure, you can sew them into curtain hems or secret them inside curtain rails, but mashed into carpets or hidden on high shelves is just as good.
Spam
Ooh yes. Once you have your ex-flatmate's email address, fill in every popup ad with their details. Which brings me to...
The Great Kosta Campaign
About ten years ago, two of my friends were living in a youth hostel. Kosta, the cnut of a manager evicted them on a weeks notice to move his mates in, kept their deposit and all that sort of malarkey. So they decided to get even.
This being pre-internet days, they used the Royal Mail as a weapon. Every 30-day home trial in the Sunday supplements, every book and record club, every free offer in The People's Friend and My Weekly, the lot.
After about two weeks, things started turning up. They had friends living in the hostel, so they monitored what was arriving. The first, I think, was the matching pair of kitten-shaped doorstops. The six thermal teapots were definitely the second. And then the deluge started happening.
KY-Jelly pessaries, knitting patterns, wool, membership packs for the Humpty Dumpty Club, stamps, you name it. Other people got in on the act as well, and it all kind of blew out of control. The same selection was ordered from every book and record club (these being the days of expensive-to-mail-back vinyl) - the heavier the better. Encyclopediae? Yes please. Four hardbacks (counts as one selection!)? You got it.
Needless to say, other avenues were explored. Plumbers, minicabs, pizzas, reps for conservatories and Stannah Stairlifts were all duly summoned. Goods were ordered from industrial catalogues on the offchance that they might just send stuff on credit and astonishingly, some did.
The afterburner spares for the Bell Huey jetcopter weren't sent, (although a letter of the 'Who the watermelon?' variety from Michigan did arrive), and neither was the argon gas laser. But a portable defibrilator was sent by special delivery, and a number of phone calls were recieved enquiring as to the delivery location for the lorry full of tarmac.
Gradually, our moles moved out of the hostel, so the eventual outcome is unknown. But the last we heard, Kosta was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and had 'Not know at this address' labels specially printed up.
The boys in blue took a pretty dim view of all this, so it's possibly pushing your luck to go quite this far these days. But it was fun at the time.
Bad Horsey Bring back Dr. Ubes Rub!,
Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:20,
archived)
when threadjacks are both as funny and relevant as thisbe our guest
(
rob,
Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:26,
archived)
TricksI lived with a psycho once... utter nutter. In fact, I think he was 'care in the community', but being 19 and shallow, we managed to see past that, and hated him thoroughly. I don't know if it was cracking onto a flatmate on his first night, smelling like rotten coffee, smashing his computer against my wall, or the trail of grease he left all over the appliances (seriously), but eventually we had to get him back. So my top 3:
- 'Wee Mayonaise'
- 'Toilet Spaghetti'
- The time we locked him out of his room during a house party, and he went mental so we called the Police and said he probably had a weapon... 2 vans full of police heavies turned up 5 minutes later, and he wee'd himself.
...Actually, that's probably not funny at all. Just really evil. Whoops.
(,
Mon 24 Nov 2003, 13:35,
archived)
- 'Wee Mayonaise'
- 'Toilet Spaghetti'
- The time we locked him out of his room during a house party, and he went mental so we called the Police and said he probably had a weapon... 2 vans full of police heavies turned up 5 minutes later, and he wee'd himself.
...Actually, that's probably not funny at all. Just really evil. Whoops.
Just curiousWhat did the police have to do with it? And how did they find out?
(,
Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:31,
archived)
He called them in. Repeatedly.There wasn't much they could (or could be arsed to do), so they were getting pissed off with him. But if they'd got their hands on the perpetrators, they'd have doubtless run their train over me. I mean, them.
( Bad Horsey Bring back Dr. Ubes Rub!,
Mon 17 Nov 2003, 21:16,
archived)
I know I'm an utterly pedantic bottle-nosed dolphin,but helicopters don't have afterburners. Unless they're Airwolf.
Edit: How strange. Filtering?
(,
Mon 17 Nov 2003, 22:25,
archived)
Edit: How strange. Filtering?
Maybe they do.The UH-60, aka the Black Hawk, is jet-powered. It's possible that it has afterburners.
(,
Tue 18 Nov 2003, 1:01,
archived)
Nope.A helicopter uses a jet engine differently. It doesn't just sit in the back and blow out hot gas...
There would be no point in a helicopter with an afterburner. Though plenty of helicopters are jet engine powered.
(,
Tue 18 Nov 2003, 9:41,
archived)
There would be no point in a helicopter with an afterburner. Though plenty of helicopters are jet engine powered.
a jet engine isa type of gas turbine. all it requires is that hot air resulting from combustion of the propellant be processed by a compressor in producing the motive force.
(,
Thu 20 Nov 2003, 17:12,
archived)
Wrong.The fastest helicopter - the British-built Lynx - utilizes after-burner thrust to increase forward motion. It's part of the design that allows it to top 250mph, if my memory serves.
PS Bottle-nosed dolphin. Fantastic.
(,
Thu 20 Nov 2003, 17:08,
archived)
PS Bottle-nosed dolphin. Fantastic.
watermelonnow thats just neat! (the filter that is....now i understand the watermelonery)
(,
Tue 18 Nov 2003, 1:22,
archived)
cranberry?this is a theoretical test ;)
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side,
Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:31,
archived)
roommate-torturing storyIn college I had a friend who had a real bastard of roommate. One day, however, my friend discovered that clicking the little ground-test switch on the electric socket in his bathroom also cut the power to the same socket in the bastard roommate's bathroom. So, every morning when the guy would try to shave with his electric razor my friend would push and reset the button randomly.
bzzzt...bzzzzt...bzzzt..."what the hell?!"...bzzzzzt..."ARG!".....bzzzzz...
The bastard became irritated beyond belief. Although an electrician was called in several times he never found the source of the problem.
(bzzzt...bzzzzt...bzzzt..."what the hell?!"...bzzzzzt..."ARG!".....bzzzzz...
The bastard became irritated beyond belief. Although an electrician was called in several times he never found the source of the problem.
Pee-Bob,
Tue 18 Nov 2003, 5:51,
archived)
Insprired!I bow to you as a god of revenge!
( Cheeky Boy! loves horses...,
Tue 18 Nov 2003, 14:09,
archived)
simple but satisfyingIn my first shared house, I came home once really early in the morning to find that the downstairs toilet light was on and the door locked. I listen for a couple of seconds but the house was totally silent and so was who ever was in the toilet, very strange. Then I figured it out, one of my bastard house mates or annoying friends had dunkenly passed out in there. So I went off to bed giving a satisfying flick of the toilet light switch which was placed on the outside of the room.
Imagine if you will him waking up drunk in the pitch black not knowing where the hell he was or why the hell his pants were round his ankles, and then the difficulting in trying to find the light switch in this state which infact he wouldn't find because it was on the outside.
Fantasticly simple.
(,
Sun 23 Nov 2003, 14:50,
archived)
Imagine if you will him waking up drunk in the pitch black not knowing where the hell he was or why the hell his pants were round his ankles, and then the difficulting in trying to find the light switch in this state which infact he wouldn't find because it was on the outside.
Fantasticly simple.
it started so nicely with thekitten-shaped doorstops.. he must have been well happy...
hehe
(hehe
Obz Click, ting, stamps,
Tue 18 Nov 2003, 15:13,
archived)
thats ace!I read that and was literally in tears and couldnt breath through the laughter (i must look strange im in the uni library area just giggling to myself). excellent work im very impressed, this must surely be read out on radio :)
(,
Thu 20 Nov 2003, 11:21,
archived)
Stannah StairliftsSomeone once pissed me off so I got a stannah rep to go round and do an assessment and quote... on his bungalow....
(,
Thu 20 Nov 2003, 22:29,
archived)
revengeI lived with 2 girls whos only crime was being as boring as f uck. When we moved out we each took ownership of a utility bill( their idea the spods), of course I demanded money from each of them to clear the gas bill as well as pocketting the credit check the gas company sent me. I felt I deserved it. They used to put those posters up of fluffy kittens saying "amusing " things
(,
Fri 21 Nov 2003, 23:49,
archived)