Fsh.
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Who will join me?
Crystal Magnet Like a diamond geezer, but better,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 14:14,
archived)
What do you call a woman with a tub of spread on her head- Marg
(
maiden is filmed before a live studio audience,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 14:20,
archived)
Man with seagull/spade/no spade/ etc..cliff/doug/dougless/etc...
(
epiphany coming live from sweden,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 14:22,
archived)
My aunt Marge was ill so longwe started calling her "i can't believe shes not better"
(
Lanc Weekend Trailer Park Supervisor,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 14:30,
archived)
Joke 1: What do you call a man who tells an old joke?Answer: A dick.
(,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 14:28,
archived)
Oh dear oh dear oh dear *shakes head*You do realise the txt generation will not understand this joke don't you. They will be all like "Ris? WTF!"
( maiden is filmed before a live studio audience,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 14:18,
archived)
Ah, these venerable jokes must be brought to today's youth, lest they be lost forever in the mists of time.
(
Crystal Magnet Like a diamond geezer, but better,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 14:20,
archived)
The old ones are the old ones.../ac
( epiphany coming live from sweden,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 14:22,
archived)
I willA liquorice Allsort and a Jelly Baby are drinking in a pub, when another sweet walks in. The Allsort runs into the toilet to hide.
Afterwards the Baby asks why.
"Did you know who that was?" says the Allsort, "no" replies the Baby.
"It was Tune, he's fucking menthol".
(Afterwards the Baby asks why.
"Did you know who that was?" says the Allsort, "no" replies the Baby.
"It was Tune, he's fucking menthol".
FeralCatMan Unusual disease collector.,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 14:43,
archived)
bar jokes, eh.So this string walks into a bar. A truck driver gets close to the string and says "Give me a twenty and I'll beat up everyone in the bar." The string shouts "I'll bet anyone a hundred bucks I can do something nobody in this bar has ever seen before!" The truck driver looks at the string and says "I know I don't know you, but I'd love to do anything you want, as many times as you want."
The string says "What? They sold me a chihuahua?"
(The string says "What? They sold me a chihuahua?"
discomeats This canoe,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 15:11,
archived)
All right, a dog walks into a bar. A midget gets close to the dog and shouts "Give me a dollar and I'll fly from here to the end of the bar." The dog says "I'll take a Manhattan." The bartender says "See that drunk over there? If you nail your feet to the floor that drunk will do you right here on the bar."
The dog sits down and says "I was talking to the the midget."
(The dog sits down and says "I was talking to the the midget."
discomeats This canoe,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 15:33,
archived)
A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says
(
PedroHin Come along & ride on a Flantastic Voyage,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 15:23,
archived)
Okay, so a midget walks into a bar. A Irishman looks at the midget and thinks a minute and says "I know I don't know you, but I'd love to take you into the back room and give you the best sex of your life." The midget says "Can you pull down your pants?" The Irishman gets close to the midget and says "Give me a quarter and I'll grant three wishes to the next person who walks through that door."
The midget sits down and says "I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!"
(The midget sits down and says "I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!"
discomeats This canoe,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 15:34,
archived)
LOLWUTString walks into a bar, orders a drink and the bartender says "we don't serve pieces of string here" so he goes out.
Next day the string is determined to be served, so he wears shades doesn't shave, messes his hair up and sidles up to the bar again.
"Aren't you that string I refused yesterday?"
"Nope, frayed knot"
(Next day the string is determined to be served, so he wears shades doesn't shave, messes his hair up and sidles up to the bar again.
"Aren't you that string I refused yesterday?"
"Nope, frayed knot"
FeralCatMan Unusual disease collector.,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 15:24,
archived)
All right, a midget walks into a bar. A nun gets close to the midget and says "Give me fifty bucks and I'll recite the Carmina Burana from memory." The midget quickly downs six gin and tonics, one after the other. The bartender says "Hey. Why don't you hold this pencil between your ass cheeks?"
The midget takes a deep breath and yells "Moo."
(The midget takes a deep breath and yells "Moo."
discomeats This canoe,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 15:33,
archived)
A nun, a flamingo, an Englishman, an Irishman, Jesus and a 9 inch pianist go into a barthe comedian in the corner has a nervous breakdown.
( FeralCatMan Unusual disease collector.,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 15:41,
archived)
the ultimateA man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm. The show
begins, and the comedian comes out for his first show of the evening. The
comedian says, "A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his
arm..." The show begins, and the comedian comes out for his second show
of the evening. The show begins, and the comedian says, "A man walks into
a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm..."
Just then, a man stands up and says "I think I heard this one before."
The comedian says, "Maybe you caught my first show of the evening." The
man says "No, I just walked in here." The comedian says "Well there was a
guy who looked just like you walked in here with a beautiful girl on his
arm, maybe it was your twin brother." The man says "My twin brother is
dead." The comedian says "What is this, a wake?"
The man says "I don't have to stand for this..." and he stands up, and
walks outside of the nightclub. The comedian says "Hey, you still out
there? I can hear you breathing." The man says "I'm holding my breath."
"Well, I'm holding your wife."
Just then the man says "That's not my wife" and he walks back into the
nightclub with another beautiful girl on his arm. The comedian asks "Hey,
who's that lady I'm seeing you with?" The man says "THIS is my wife.
That other lady is my dead twin brother's wife. You can take her if you
want her." And the comedian says "Not unless you say please."
Just then a man walks into the nightclub with a tatoo of a beautiful girl
on his arm eating elbow macaroni. The comedian asks "Hey, is that lady
from Italy?" The man says "No, just Hungary."
Just then a man comes into the nightclub...he comes RIDING into the
nightclub on a pony, with a feather stuck in his hat. "What do you call
that?" the comedian asks. "An entrance," the man says, "but just forget
that, get me a beer, and get my pony a jockey."
The bartender says "I think that pony's had enough already."
"Well make it a short jockey," the man says, "and while you're at it, get
that lady's lawyer some breifs."
The lady stands up and says "I can defend mySELF, your honor." And the
lawyer stands up and says "But I'll defend her HONOR, your honor." The
judge says "Well let her offer; make up your mind." The comedian says
"Definately HONOR, that's the best offer I had all day."
"Well take it or leave it" says the judge.
"Couldn't we just drop it?" says thhe comedian.
"You have to drop leaflets before you bomb."
"Well I'm already bombing."
"Maybe it's your material."
"You don't think it fits?"
"Weeeell, it could be let out a little."
The comedian asks "How much do you think it'll cost me?" "It'll cost you
an arm and a leg" says the man. The comic says "Listen, can you put it
on the cuff?" The tailor says "I'll tell you what I'll do, we'll forget
the leg, and I'll just charge you an arm." And a beautiful arm it is.
"OK" says the comedian, so the tailor cuts off the comedian's arm, and
gives him his suit. The tailor goes home and calls up his girl; he wants
to take her out on the town that night in order to celebrate. He calls
on his girl, and gives her the beautiful arm as a gift, and she wears it
around her neck just like a stole. And they go out on the town.
The man walks into the nightclub with a beautiful arm on his girl. The
show begins, and the one-armed comedian comes out for his last show of the
evening. He does his act, and the audience stands up, and gives him a hand.
(from a National Lampoon comedy recording, written and performed by
Brian Doyle-Murray
(begins, and the comedian comes out for his first show of the evening. The
comedian says, "A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his
arm..." The show begins, and the comedian comes out for his second show
of the evening. The show begins, and the comedian says, "A man walks into
a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm..."
Just then, a man stands up and says "I think I heard this one before."
The comedian says, "Maybe you caught my first show of the evening." The
man says "No, I just walked in here." The comedian says "Well there was a
guy who looked just like you walked in here with a beautiful girl on his
arm, maybe it was your twin brother." The man says "My twin brother is
dead." The comedian says "What is this, a wake?"
The man says "I don't have to stand for this..." and he stands up, and
walks outside of the nightclub. The comedian says "Hey, you still out
there? I can hear you breathing." The man says "I'm holding my breath."
"Well, I'm holding your wife."
Just then the man says "That's not my wife" and he walks back into the
nightclub with another beautiful girl on his arm. The comedian asks "Hey,
who's that lady I'm seeing you with?" The man says "THIS is my wife.
That other lady is my dead twin brother's wife. You can take her if you
want her." And the comedian says "Not unless you say please."
Just then a man walks into the nightclub with a tatoo of a beautiful girl
on his arm eating elbow macaroni. The comedian asks "Hey, is that lady
from Italy?" The man says "No, just Hungary."
Just then a man comes into the nightclub...he comes RIDING into the
nightclub on a pony, with a feather stuck in his hat. "What do you call
that?" the comedian asks. "An entrance," the man says, "but just forget
that, get me a beer, and get my pony a jockey."
The bartender says "I think that pony's had enough already."
"Well make it a short jockey," the man says, "and while you're at it, get
that lady's lawyer some breifs."
The lady stands up and says "I can defend mySELF, your honor." And the
lawyer stands up and says "But I'll defend her HONOR, your honor." The
judge says "Well let her offer; make up your mind." The comedian says
"Definately HONOR, that's the best offer I had all day."
"Well take it or leave it" says the judge.
"Couldn't we just drop it?" says thhe comedian.
"You have to drop leaflets before you bomb."
"Well I'm already bombing."
"Maybe it's your material."
"You don't think it fits?"
"Weeeell, it could be let out a little."
The comedian asks "How much do you think it'll cost me?" "It'll cost you
an arm and a leg" says the man. The comic says "Listen, can you put it
on the cuff?" The tailor says "I'll tell you what I'll do, we'll forget
the leg, and I'll just charge you an arm." And a beautiful arm it is.
"OK" says the comedian, so the tailor cuts off the comedian's arm, and
gives him his suit. The tailor goes home and calls up his girl; he wants
to take her out on the town that night in order to celebrate. He calls
on his girl, and gives her the beautiful arm as a gift, and she wears it
around her neck just like a stole. And they go out on the town.
The man walks into the nightclub with a beautiful arm on his girl. The
show begins, and the one-armed comedian comes out for his last show of the
evening. He does his act, and the audience stands up, and gives him a hand.
(from a National Lampoon comedy recording, written and performed by
Brian Doyle-Murray
tubaman,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 19:53,
archived)
Thanks for posting thatI lost my copy of the record. It's far better to listen to, since the text doesn't capture the slick, New York comedian accent or style, or his rapid-fire delivery. Cheers.
(,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 23:29,
archived)
what do you call a mancarrying two rain coats past a cemetary?
max bygraves
(max bygraves
ms morbo lorem ipsum dolor sit amet,
Sun 6 Sep 2009, 15:35,
archived)
