It was my birthday
and two friends took my girlfriend and me out to dinner at a fairly posh restaurant. It looked to be a very pleasant evening, with food and wine and good company.

I had my cell phone with me- an admittedly crappy bit of work which had no vibrate mode that I ever found, and no way of silencing it when someone called. Unfortunately this was during the Bad Times in the divorce process, so I had to keep it on in case the kids called with an emergency. But if it started to ring, I had a folded napkin handy to muffle the sound to a whisper if it was a non-emergency call.

As luck would have it, of course, everyone I knew was trying to call me that night.

After the fourth or fifth call that I immediately muffled under the napkin, a guy at the table across the aisle and down one snarled "Answer your goddam phone!"

"I'm sorry," I said in my gentlest voice, "I have to keep in on in case my kids need me. I'll try to keep it quiet."

"Well then call your kids!"

"Ummm... look, I'm only keeping it on in case of an emergency. If they call I'll answer them; otherwise I'm covering it with this napkin-"

"Just answer your fucking phone!" he yelled.

The woman next to him and the couple across from them were looking increasingly uncomfortable through this. I tried again to apologize and explain, but he kept getting louder and angrier. His friends looked like they were ready to crawl away under the tables, and his woman was telling him loudly to shut up. My friends tried to intervene, but he started in on them as well.

Finally I used my most stentorian Brian Blessed voice, the drill sergeant tone that makes people jump, and announced, "Sir, you are drunk. Please take your friends' advice and quiet down." I said this with the most scorn I could muster.

The result was immediate, of course. He surged to his feet and his friends grabbed him and dragged him out the door, bellowing as he went.

The waitress approached with a look of terror in her eyes. "Sir, I'm so sorry! We could hear it all the way up at the front!"

I smiled up at her. "No worries. You had nothing to do with it. We're all fine."

She looked after the vanished group. "They were out at the bar for a couple of hours before their table was ready. And they had just opened a $270 bottle of wine, too."

I sat up. "They did? Well, it shouldn't be wasted, should it? Pass it on over!"

She glanced around to make sure no one was looking, then grabbed the bottle and handed it to me. She then got me a fresh glass and scurried off.

My friends were still buzzing with adrenaline. "I'm so sorry that this happened on your birthday!" she exclaimed, her cheeks red.

I laughed. "Why? Are you kidding? That was great! Look- he was a drunken blustering bully, right? Not only did I publicly tell him off and get his friends to drag him out of here, but I also made sure that he's not gonna get laid for about a month. And now I'm drinking his wine besides!"

And at the end of the meal the manager came and apologized, and comped us our meal. Result, mothafukka.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 18 Oct 2012, 16:16, 38 replies)

You, sir,
are smooth.
( .Yeti., Thu 18 Oct 2012, 16:18, closed)

I have to admit
that at the time I was jacked up on adrenaline as well. But rather than blow my temper I resolved to make him blow his. I never said anything rude, didn't call him an asshole, just stayed calm and rational- which, of course, makes angry people flip their shit.

The free food and wine was appreciated, though.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 18 Oct 2012, 16:35, closed)

Oh man I wish I was 'jacked up on adrenaline as well'.
That would be well cool.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Oct 2012, 8:34, closed)

What a great way
to scam the restaurant out of an expensive bottle of plonk!
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 16:21, closed)

It really wan't my intention, of course,
but it worked out that way. Hell, all I wanted was a quiet dinner with my girlfriend and my friends. The floorshow was pure profit.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 18 Oct 2012, 16:33, closed)

i suspect that your return key is broken
it seems to function twice for every time you press it
(quintsy, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 16:43, closed)

Why couldn't you answer it?

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 16:51, closed)

Because I was out to dinner.
I didn't want to interrupt the conversation with thirty seconds of "Thanks! I'm having a great birthday" and then pleasantly begging off the phone call. I deemed it to be far more rude to take the calls than to muffle them, get voicemails and return calls later.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 18 Oct 2012, 17:01, closed)

I think the guy had a point.
Nice that you didn't spoil your dinner by answering your incessantly ringing phone though.

I'd have jammed the expensive wine bottle up your arse long before my friends could grab hold of me and remove me from the restaurant.
(username failed moderation, Fri 19 Oct 2012, 8:53, closed)

*shrug* So be it, I guess.
I don't make a habit of being confrontational in restaurants, even when I find someone else's behavior irritating. I was polite, apologetic and reasonable in the face of his drunken rage, and when acting like an adult didn't work I let him dig his own pit.

The phone may have been irritating, but a) I didn't have much of a choice about having it switched on, and b) I did what I could to keep the noise to a minimum. Having it ring for the half a second it took for me to clamp my hand over it and muffle it doesn't strike me as being that terrible. If that was enough to enrage you to the point of violence, then I pity you indeed.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 19 Oct 2012, 9:29, closed)

Hah.
I get like that when I've had a few.
(username failed moderation, Fri 19 Oct 2012, 9:45, closed)

Maybe that's the trouble.
When I drink I don't get easily angered, so I really can't relate to those who do.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 19 Oct 2012, 10:15, closed)

You had plenty of choice whether you could have it switched on.
Why not do what we all did before mobiles arrived and wanted to remind everyone how self important we are:

"I'm off out tonight, if you need me in an emergency, call the restaurant on 555-12345."
Then on arrival, slip the Maître d' a tip and mention that there's a slim chance someone might call for you should your kids be involved in a terrorist attack or whatever the hell it was you were worried about.

For your mobile to be ringing four or five times is just taking the piss and plain rude. Especially if it was "a fairly posh restaurant".

I hope you don't mind if I tweak a quote of yours:
"Look, it's a restaurant, not a playground your living room. Letting your kids race around mobile repeatedly ring in the restaurant, even if it's a crappy diner somewhere, is worse than irritating to the other people there- it's teaching them showing you to be self-centered little twats who can get away with about anything as long as the parents are otherwise distracted it suits you."
( Pig Bodine., Tue 23 Oct 2012, 14:16, closed)

Guess you got that wrong.

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 19 Oct 2012, 9:44, closed)

Evidently.
But there's no telling what would have happened if I'd answered, either. He might have taken exception to that as well.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 19 Oct 2012, 10:14, closed)

Probably not though.

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 19 Oct 2012, 14:04, closed)

I believe that this anecdote is entirely true.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 19:11, closed)

I believe every single self-effacing word.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 20:59, closed)

Needs a Honda Accord.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 18 Oct 2012, 22:48, closed)

Needless to say

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 19 Oct 2012, 18:31, closed)

If this really happened you're a prick.
No wonder your wife left you.
Frankly your kids would even be better off being fingered by Rob than by being dragged up by you.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 19 Oct 2012, 11:46, closed)

yeah, it seems that some phones don't come with the option to reject an incoming call.
Blimey.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 19 Oct 2012, 12:39, closed)

'no vibrate mode that I ever found'
You didn't bother to read the instructions for it did you you massive prick.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 19 Oct 2012, 13:07, closed)

so, this is a story about how you irritated someone because you couldn't be bothered to figure out how your phone works.
you sound like a bit of a nob.
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 19 Oct 2012, 16:03, closed)

It was an old Motorola Startac.
It was crap.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 19 Oct 2012, 17:05, closed)

Yeah but the instruction manual that is freely available online is pretty clear on how to put it on vibrate.
"Motorola's VibraCall Alert is ideal for situations where ringing may not be appropriate"

Looks like you just press function and then 8 to toggle vibrate on and off.

Not that you really care you antisocial sack of shit.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 19 Oct 2012, 19:55, closed)

*Nods approvingly*

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Sat 20 Oct 2012, 13:02, closed)

*fresh prince theme*

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 23 Oct 2012, 13:08, closed)

lol

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 23 Oct 2012, 14:58, closed)

So your story is that you ruined someone's meal
Because you refused to reject incoming calls or even put your phone in your pocket, then caused the person whose night you ruined to waste hundreds of dollars?

You selfish, self righteous, self pitying prick.

The worst bit is that if this is true, and I doubt it is, that you seem to think you were in the right.

What a douche.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 19 Oct 2012, 18:39, closed)

I, too, take great pride in annoying people wherever I go
and fleecing hardworking restaurateurs out of their profits as a result. It makes me feel really good inside.

There were two acceptable options here that I can see:
1) go outside, ring kids, tell them your phone will be off for a bit, switch phone off, go back in and no longer be a selfish prick
2) if you absolutely insist on having your phone on then you should not be in a restaurant imposing your fucking problems on your fellow diners, go outside, do not go back in and no longer be a selfish prick

Also, the kids called with an emergency an emotionally unstable bird from the UK that I was heartlessly stringing along called for some 'phone sex'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Oct 2012, 8:38, closed)

Don't make him use his most stentorian Brian Blessed voice on you.
He may have to make you jump with his drill sergeant tone.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 23 Oct 2012, 9:18, closed)

Gosh, I hadn't thought of that.
What have I done?????
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Oct 2012, 9:59, closed)

I like line breaks.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 23 Oct 2012, 12:47, closed)

I don't like people using their mobiles in restaurants.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 23 Oct 2012, 12:54, closed)

This doesn't really make much sense.
I can understand the need to have the phone for the kids, but why not just cancel the call?
Also, any restaurant that didn't intervene before it got to the point of the man being dragged out by his friends, is run by a shit manager.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 23 Oct 2012, 12:56, closed)

oh man
I hope everybody clicked this so that it gets to the top of his profile.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 23 Oct 2012, 13:00, closed)

not only are you a dick that can't answer a phone
but if those quotations are accurate, you sound like a right tedious fuckwit.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 23 Oct 2012, 12:57, closed)