Are we gonna go for 2 months this time?

( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sun 8 Jan 2017, 4:46, Reply)

Gas and electricity do not mix, possible repost.
A friend who worked for the gas board told me this story.
Got called out after getting a report of an explosion at a house.
When he got there , the remains of the front door was in the garden, alongside the completely burnt out remains of a vacuum cleaner smouldering away.
Transpires, the lady of the house was hoovering the floor when a mouse ran out and was sucked up into the machine, she was worried iy was suffering inside all mangled up and decided to help put it out of its misery.
She got a canister of camping gas and emptied it into the hoover bag.
Waited a while to make sure it was probably gassed dead then switched the machine back on to continue vacuuming.
Marvellous
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Mon 26 Dec 2016, 17:52, 3 replies)

Grandmothers...
(originally shared in 2010 on another qotw)
Sitting in a bar in Spain, my grandmother looks up at the night sky and says, "is that the same moon as we get back home?"
( fluffymitten NAN, Sat 24 Dec 2016, 12:57, Reply)

Gawd bless 'er
My wife once told me that diabetics, if low on blood sugar, could have a 'hypergalactic fit'.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Thu 22 Dec 2016, 13:44, 7 replies)

one late wintry december afternoon, about 15 years ago now, a friend and i were trying decide where we should all go for drinks on NYE
we were in a pub at the time, and wondering if they were making any sort of special effort. so my friend says to the barman (think the spotty pizza dude from the simpsons):

"hi, just wondering what you are doing on new year's eve?"

a panicked flush galloped up his frantically swallowing throat and merged all his spots into one giant red spot.

"working, sorry," he stammered, and ran away. rejected!

oh and the same friend once rang a club to ask what sort of night it was, as someone thought it might be 80's night. the conversation went like this:

her - "hi, just wondering what night it is tonight?"

them - "Saturday, love."

her - "thanks very much," - and hangs up.

twat.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 21 Dec 2016, 11:43, 6 replies)

Matilda
A pretty, plump face, with a mouth wide like a frog's. Hair, spun gold, piled atop her head, straggled locks pulled loose and hanging here and there like decorative strands of gilded tinsel. A mind that wasn't quick, conventionally; a furrowed brow and protruding lower lip were the consequences of a question that taxed her brain, but when faced with something that had the slightest hint of prurience it reacted with an alacrity that surprised the lowest-minded of her male colleagues.
Her voice, musical, belied the vapidity of what she generally had to say, or perhaps confirmed it, if you were the type of mean spirited person to make assumptions. No matter. One didn't listen to her for the content, but for the beauty and cadence and tone, as one can listen to a chanteuse singing in a foreign language and be utterly enchanted despite not having a clue what she was singing.

And so it came to pass that one day I was dawdling through reception. I had plenty of tasks that required my attention; despite my best efforts, I hadn't yet been able to shift all my duties into other, more hapless wage slaves, but I wanted to let my eyes drink in this vision of flawed loveliness as she tidied the newspapers on the tables. Her rump, round and rippling, strained against the taut fabric of her dress, outlining each buttock and the heavenly crevasse between. She knew I was watching. It was harmless ogling, enjoyed by both of us, encouraged by her as she shifted her hams, causing the material to run deliciously together.

The silence was rent asunder by the loudest, longest fart I'd ever heard. She finished - shook it out, or so it appeared to me - with a slight wobble, as though she was teasing the last of the ketchup from a glass bottle, before standing up straight, turning on her stiletto heel and winking at me. For my part, I ejaculated instantly and so rapidly that it made my testes ache. I had to run to the toilet and clean myself up as best I could. It remains to this day the most powerfully erotic experience of my life. She left soon after, following a complaint from a client which involved a pubic hair floating in his cup of tea. The lucky bastard. I've have paid good money for that.
(SalariosDecentes was under the radar on, Tue 20 Dec 2016, 21:15, 8 replies)

A Very Special Beer
In my early drinking years me and my pal were mostly on Fosters (I know, I know).
Anyway one day Fosters Extra Cold was launched and the local bar had these new fancy looking taps installed. When it was time to be served, my best mate was still looking at these with wonder, and with no hint of irony asked the barman what the difference was.
(jnewco81, Tue 20 Dec 2016, 7:32, Reply)

top get

(Hubert Blaine Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff, Sr., Sun 18 Dec 2016, 17:42, 2 replies)

alright

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 13 Dec 2016, 10:33, 9 replies)

In a Holyhead flower/fruit shop recently I paid for some nectarines, costing £3, with a £5 note and received change for a tenner.
Being honest I pointed this out but the shop lady wouldn't have it. I insisted, she denied it, it went back and forth for a minute or two until she began to get quite irate at my questioning of her maths.

I shrugged and put away my £7 change.

Bet she kicked herself at cashing-up time.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 10 Dec 2016, 20:43, 4 replies)

mad aunt
there was always something not right with her, even before the dementia. she lost my 3-year-old sister in a busy shopping centre and, instead of finding help, left her there while she came home to tell my parents what had happened.
she had a marks & sparks carrier bag tacked to her wall for years because "it looks better than a picture, doesn't it?"
she had a shelf put up 3 inches above the skirting boards because she though her vase would look good there. oh, there was a chair in front of it, too.
yesterday, i was talking to her about a snake i had and, when i spoke about feeding it, she asked "so what did it eat? lettuce, that kind of stuff?"
she actually thought snakes were vegetarian.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 10 Dec 2016, 17:31, 5 replies)

"Can trains go around corners?" an extract from an eavesdropped conversation between two chavvy girls on a train.
( Vambo, Sat 10 Dec 2016, 16:40, 4 replies)

Whatching a program about beluga caviar,
my wife expressed surprise it comes from sturgeon. She thought it was whale eggs.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 10 Dec 2016, 12:59, 5 replies)

My dad and I were walking downtown
This bum looked up at us, "Spare change?" he asked.
"No thank you," my dad said, "I've got plenty of my own."
Half a block later he shook his head and muttered, "Christ, do I look that scruffy?"
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sat 10 Dec 2016, 2:07, 4 replies)

I had a salesmen come to my door to try and sell me a vacuum cleaner
I said, "Why would I want that? I don't even own a vacuum"
Thank you, I'll be here all week. Would the owner of the green Vauxall Astra please make your way to the carpark, your lights are on.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sat 10 Dec 2016, 0:49, Reply)

Sitting round a table with my wife's friends...
...listen to the nattering about various fashions and brands. I seized on a lull and mentioned, all casual like, that I quite liked the new Tim Berland collection.

Cue quizzical looks and questioning, which persisted even after I mentioned the signature chunky brown boots. Then they hit me.
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Tue 6 Dec 2016, 16:34, 2 replies)

You stoopid fuckin' cunt.
I once worked as a real estate salesman in New York, and once, the fuckin' child of an office manager...

Oh, I can't be bothered.

Star Wars.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 5 Dec 2016, 19:09, 23 replies)

Google Earth
When Google Earth was newish, in the mid 00's, I was showing it to my wife.

I zoomed into our city, drilled down to our neighbourhood, found our house and zoomed right into the garden.

"Oh, that's amazing!" she said. "Go outside and wave"
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Dec 2016, 12:45, 3 replies)

Deaf
Earlier today we were showing the football in the pub.
Just before kick off a chap says "Can you turn it up. I can't hear it."
"They're having a minutes silence"
Sometimes I wonder how some people stay alive.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Sat 3 Dec 2016, 15:51, 3 replies)

A quote from my ex-wife
"When I'm in the back of a car I like to sit either in the middle or by a window"
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 2 Dec 2016, 18:12, 1 reply)

Impossible
Overheard a girl talking to her mate on the bus after an unsuccessful job interview. Apparently in the interview they asked her

If there is a lily pad in a pond, and it doubles in size every minute and will completely cover the pond in one hour, how long will it take to cover half the pond?

they both thought about for a bit and decided it was "impossible"

I love the fact that the interviewer didn't tell her the answer just let her stew on it ;)
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 1 Dec 2016, 15:48, 15 replies)

Black Country Genius
Pea roast.
Smash Monkey reminded me of these. Both from Merry Hill Odeon.

Me and the ex Mrs Kite went to see "Shindler's List". We sat through it, and were both teary eyed after the final "modern day" scene with the actors and relatives laying stones on Schindler's grave. As the house lights came up, a couple in front of us, in their 40's said "Ooh wouldn't it be terrible if all that was true"

Similarly, we were enjoying "Titanic"; the ship hits an iceberg. Woman in front of us whispers to her friend "ooh, do you think the ship will sink?"
(kitescreech still here, Wed 30 Nov 2016, 22:35, 8 replies)

Metro Man
one of the headlines in monday's metro was about there being a suicide in jails every 3 days. a young couple got on the bus and the bloke picked up a copy and started to read it. his partner saw the headline and exclaimed "oh, that's just stupid! how can you have a suicide every 3 days? you can only commit suicide once!"
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 30 Nov 2016, 15:56, 7 replies)