People who make lists.
Especially people who make lists and then pea roast them.
(ESPF couldn't be bothered before, Sat 19 Mar 2016, 2:30, Reply)

Here, have a roasted pea!!!!!!!
LIST TIME!!!!!
Misuse of reflexive pronouns
Misuse of apostrophes
People who call all electronic music 'techno'
People that call hip hop 'rap'
Those fucking sofa adverts where instead of saying 'now only five hundred and ninety-nine pounds' they say 'now only five nine nine'
Homophobes
Other commuters
Whisky bores
Gingers
Metallers
Wearing scarves indoors
Wearing scarves indoors while wearing a t shirt. If you're that cold, put a fucking coat on you flid.
When faces are superimposed on apples
Tourists
Lager top
Lager louts
Little and Large
Grown ups reading kids books
Grown ups reading books aimed at teenagers. You fucking nonces.
'Comedy' accounts on B3ta
People who don't understand the word 'troll' and are in fact trolls themselves OH THE IRONING!
People who deliberately use 'teh' on the internet as an affectation
People who can't use the correct form of 'its'
People who stand on the left hand side of escalators
Referring to Rob Manuel as 'the ginger fuhrer'
Rob Manuel
Anyone that likes mass market, lowest common denominator cultural output and derides those who like more serious output as 'pretentious'
The fact that I'm an autistic virgin
Wankers
Tossers
Shits
Shites
The Irish
Richard fucking McBeef and his fucking gang of acolytes over on Off Topic. The prick.
Anyone who's ever posted on /talk
Iain Duncan Smith
Christopher shitting Biggins. The cunt.
B3ta user 'monster munch'
People that use the term 'ninja edit'
Wankers that edit their posts after the fact.
Larpers. The autistic dicks.
Sci fi fans. The smegging titfaces.
QOTW.
White wine.
Windy Pig. Yeah, and Two Hats as well. Couple of bent flids. And I mean 'couple'.
Drimble is a wanker.
That 'paulsnake' tosser.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 22:39, 8 replies)

If "shown" as two syllables drives you mad
you probably shouldn't visit the Black Country
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 22:13, 2 replies)

People who say they "make" food
Clive, from opposite the YMCA, doesn't "make" the noodles. He cooks the noodles. Doris, from number 34, who works in the noodle factory, makes the noodles.

I hear someone say "I'm making pasta", and I'm thinking, wow, there's a frood who has a proper rolling-out-thin device, and possibly even a mill. But no. The daft chump has just managed to boil some water all by himself.

It's quite clear: the words are spelt differently, and they mean different things.

And nobody fucking fixes the fucking noodles. They weren't broken.
(BrontoChorusBob, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 21:32, 3 replies)

I get irked to the point of upset about posts on a moribund website.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 21:22, 1 reply)

I hate it
when QOTW lasts for a month
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 21:19, 1 reply)

Skeletons
No adult should say Skelingtons. Apparently that is not all.
(Gusofnavarone always makes a map of france from sarnies, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 20:56, Reply)

Avocado
Not advocado. That is all.
(Gusofnavarone always makes a map of france from sarnies, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 20:54, 4 replies)

Room with a view
People who call recent Oscar-nominated tearjerker and rather splendid film "Room", "The Room". I have seen "Room" and "The Room". One is one of the best films of the last ten years, the other is possibly the worse film ever made. You can decide which is which yourself, while Lisa is tearing you apart.
(iwrite4u, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 19:26, 1 reply)

Their there they're
How hard can it be FFS.
See also:
To, too
Specific, pacific
Of, off
And the crowning turd in the waterpipe - using wiv instead of with.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 18:48, 10 replies)

Can you say 'New'?
NEW

Can you say 'Clear'?

CLEAR

Now put them together to form the word 'Nuclear'

NEW-KEW-LAR

This abomination is now so prevalent that it's on the point of being accepted as correct (e.g. www.merriam-webster.com/help/faq-february-nuclear-pronounce)
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 17:56, 1 reply)

'Anyways'
Hearing that always makes me feel rather 'stabby'.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 16:54, 2 replies)

It's marshMALLOW you fucking cretin.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Mar 2016, 16:46, 5 replies)

Fucking Postman
Banging the letterbox for all its worth when he's only shoved a letter in.
(luckylife , 0 guests and 3 bots are online, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 16:41, Reply)

People who out their hazards on when they're getting a tow.
Do I need to explain why this is stupid?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 16:40, 4 replies)

People in the office who put recycling in the rubbish bin
Not that I'm some sort of massive eco warrior, or anything, but the recycling bin is right next to it and they're incredibly clearly marked. So if you're chuckling your aluminium can or waste paper into the main rubbish bin, you're just a thick fucking cunt who pays no attention to the world around them, really. Which I find irritating because I'm expected to work with you...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 16:30, 3 replies)

that woman on the vista print advert
the way she says "proper" does my head in!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 15:59, 11 replies)

Parking illegally
Because your laziness is more important than the law and public safety. You fucking fat prick.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 15:57, 1 reply)

Listening to The Decemberists...
...is often marred by the lead singer's vocal style. Many instances of bonus syllables to be found.
Admittedly they're not strictly "around me".
(i.charlius *Two Ronnies Theme*, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 15:29, 1 reply)

All the crud you have to wade through before the film actually starts
Here's the thing: NOBODY CARES which companies made it, funded it, co-assistant-produced it or any of the other twenty things that seem to require a logo and/or banner to be displayed. If, by the end of the film, I've been impressed, then AND ONLY THEN will I be interested in finding out who made it.

So stop stroking your shrivelled, flaccid members with splash screens, let us get on with actually watching the movie, and piss off back to the end credits where you belong.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 15:07, 7 replies)

my brother
every time i walk into the house, he feels the need to shout "BELM!" at the top of his voice. he also offers me anything he gets out of his nose, the disgusting cunt.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 14:32, 6 replies)

People asking "you alright?" everytime we pass in the office.
They don't care and I don't care to answer!!
(AOEComedy, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 14:00, 4 replies)

Using the word "monkey" when referring to an ape
Nothing to do with Discworld, it just pisses me off as stunningly ignorant.

I also got caught out by another similar animal-related confusion. Mrs Moon Monkey had often mentioned that she wanted a pet turtle. So one year, in another desperate attempt not to cock up the birthday present challenge, I surprised her with a full set up, including a fun little Musk turtle.

Turns out, in her home country they use the word Turtle as a chelonian catch-all. What she really wanted was a tortoise.

Anyone want a turtle?
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 13:43, 11 replies)

Other people exist
I wish you'd all stop please
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 11:57, 1 reply)

I'm a project manager
all the other project mangers use the phrase "going forward" I hate those guys and hope they all die slowly and painfully.
( Peej, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 11:53, 7 replies)

Also, I really hate it when people say they're fans of Coldplay, it makes me want to grind a lightbulb into a wall
I've actually ended friendships over it.

An intense surge of irritable rage comes over me at the thought of anybody I like being a fan of that band. I don't understand why it bothers me so much.
(Porcupine, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 11:35, 13 replies)

When I get emails in work from training companies, conference hosts etc.
...that stick "Mindful" onto things as a title (e.g. Mindful Unemployment) or "Upskilling".
(Porcupine, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 11:31, Reply)

People talk to me.
I wish they wouldn't.
(SonofRojBlake, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 9:38, Reply)

Bloke at work makes those cheap chinese noodles from a packet
He cracks them into a bowl, sprinkles on the powder and the meagre drops of flavouring oil, then adds water from the kettle. He gingerly picks up the piping hot bowl from the office kitchen and carries it carefully, like a newborn babe, to his desk.

What follows next is the revolting cacophony of a drowning pig.

SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP. SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP. SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP as he shovels the cheapest of meals into his puckered mouth.

After three mouthfuls, the steam and chili oil will have made his nose run.

SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP. SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP. HHHRRROOOOINK as he sniffs the nasal mucus back down his throat.

SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP.
HHHRRROOOOINK.
SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP.
HHHRRROOOOINK.
KLATTERKLATTERKLATTER goes the metal spoon, scraping gracelessly against the bottom of the bowl as he scoops up the last powdery water and noodle fragments.

MMMTAAHHHH! he'll exclaim, smacking his lips loudly in satisfaction at such a flavoursome meal. By which time, the entire office is glaring daggers at him. Every. Fucking. Day.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 8:56, 11 replies)

I don't like it when people try to reply first

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 8:55, Reply)