niceandwarmandhot just reminded me of this…
Some years ago, I escorted a young lady to a pub (quelle surprise) before a trip to the cinema.

(I say some years ago…it was actually fucking yonks ago because the movie was ‘Four Weddings And A Funeral’).

As I’m sure you can imagine – especially the people that know me, this date inevitably involved happily glugging away at my cider, chatting with said object of my then affection, before totally losing track of time like the disorganised scrote that I am.

Eventually…“Oh shagholes”, said my beau, looking at her watch. “The movie starts in 5 minutes…we’re going to miss the fucker!”

We bollock down our pints and stagger swiftly towards the local picturehouse, which was conveniently next to the pub (do I know how to organise a date or what?). Once inside, we sort ourselves out for tickets, popcorn, sweets, hotdogs, nachos and ‘ice-junkies’ (the machine was actually working this time – what are the odds?).

(Btw: I had to pay full price for ALL that crappolla listed above…and at bloody cinema prices too! – the fuckers. Anyway, that’s not what this is all about.)

Once fully loaded with shoddy, overpriced snack treats (I know…I'll let it go), we peg it into the cinema…just as the film starts. We haven’t missed a second – We settle down to enjoy it and the young lady….well that’s another story.

One way or another…Result.

So the film ends, we’re happy and decide to go back to the pub. As we head towards the door, we find a sorrowful-looking man in a suit handing something out to everybody as they leave. We approach him, and are both given free return tickets.

“WTF? The film wasn’t that bad!” I said. But of course, never looking a gift-donkey in the south, or whatever the phrase is, we grab our freebies and shuffle off back towards the pub.

It’s only after overhearing a conversation from a fellow cinema-goer on our way out that we discover what had actually happened.

It appears that while we were plying ourselves with ridiculously and criminally expensive wank cinema fayre, there had been some twat shining one of those laser-pointers at the screen during the trailers. People started booing, an usher came in and kicked the cunt out. People cheer. All over. The cinema manager still thought that it was worth apologising for and thusly promised everybody in the cinema free tickets at the end of the movie. Yay.

Then we walk in – totally oblivious.

You might think at this point that this is yet another ‘Pooflake win win, result, what-a-spawny-fucker’ post…Well friends, this time the freebie well and truly bit me on the arse…

…I used the free tickets to go and see Robocop 3.

What in the name of Christ’s hairy starfish was I thinking? If it hadn’t been free I would’ve been hurling chairs about the place – that movie was the biggest pile of steaming dogturd I have ever seen.

I still stayed and watched it though…It was free after all. (Yes, I am that tight).

Length? – about 90 minutes of unadulterated runny poo.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 14 Nov 2007, 13:01, 14 replies)

You should have...
... walked out and demanded your 'money' back. You could have seen another free film.

I did that with Jurassic Park 3. Not only was it shit, the local special school had brought a selection of their loudest pupils to see it. That was not a fun cinema outing.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 13:35, closed)

Clumsy...
DOH! - If only I'd thought of that at the time. Normally I'm first on the scene when a rage-fuelled rant will blag me freebies.

I'll put it down to being young at the time...and if the opportunity arises again I will grab it with much shouty mouth
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 14 Nov 2007, 13:43, closed)

The rule of sequels...
... is that the third (and any subsequent) installment of any franchise is shit. Consider the evidence: Return of the Jedi, Pirates of the Carribean, The Matrix and so on. Plus the third series of The Fast Show, Goodness Gracious Me... I could go on, but it'd be labouring the point.

Additionally, the first two installments of the Robocop franchise were pretty poo, so the starting standard was already low...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 13:50, closed)

3 quels
hey HEY Robocop (the first) is deadly!
And Pirates 3 isn't as bad as pirates 2
And i the new star wars revenge is better than attack...in my opinion anyways.
(electrogirl no one thinks about the implications of a clown su, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 14:15, closed)

3rd films
I dispute that Return of the Jedi is no good, it is an excellent film

as is Alien 3

they are only crap when judged against the rest of the trilogy, which are all awesome
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 14:19, closed)

I disagree.
I found that Sluts With Nuts 3 is better than the first two put together.

Ooops, forgot to press reply when I posted this a min ago, and made a new QOTW post for it!
( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Wed 14 Nov 2007, 14:44, closed)

Cheers HBLC
I had only just finished my witty response to your accidental post...and you'd only gone and moved it to the right place.

Now I look like a proper twat.

It's probably what I deserve

shit shit.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 14 Nov 2007, 14:47, closed)

My humble apologies sir!
And props for getting to the post so quick, I swear it was only up there for about 10 seconds before I panicked and deleted it.
( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Wed 14 Nov 2007, 14:57, closed)

Vipros is right
Context is all. So a moderate retraction is in order... but only a moderate one.

Pirates 3 better'n Pirates 2? Purleeeeeze
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 15:14, closed)

Robocock
I loved the first one, it was so OTT it totally didn't take itself seriously. So cue me spending £3.10 in 1990 to see Robocop 2 (an hour and a half's wages at the time).

Oh dear. While it wasn't "My Best Friend's Wedding" bad, it was certainly of the feathery, gobbling and served up at xmas with cranberry sauce ilk.

I'm so glad I never bothered with the abortion of a third installment. I think I would have bought a can opener and vandalized the nearest Metal Mickey toy in revenge.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 14 Nov 2007, 16:03, closed)

Dear Mr Poof-Lake
Can you please e-mail me your real name and address so I can send round my mad Afghani hit-squad to, well, kill you.

I *hate* newbies who come on here and write better stories than I do. I'm really not good with competition.



*clicks*

Heh! I've just seen that the fool has given me his band-name, and a pic, *AND* MySpace has given me his gig list....

Well that's the last we'll see of *him*...
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 17:24, closed)

Legless
It's poo-flake...and thinking about it, Poof-Lake doesn't sound like the kind of place I'd like to swim to be honest. I'd be hanging on to my speedos that's for sure!

Hey ho...well it's been nice knowing you all...and at least I can guarantee at least one person might turn up to one of my gigs...so it's all good.

Seriously though..to be mentioned in the same league of wordsmanship as the mighty Legless makes me wanna crack one off over an enlarged photo of myself. A mention by the Great Geordie himself (even if threatening death) makes me want to 'burst like a bally balloon' (copyright Blackadder).

So I'm off to save the guy a job and drown myself in a cider-filled pit of smug self-satisfaction.

*starts pouring*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 14 Nov 2007, 18:52, closed)

It was cack on telly too
I only watched RC3 on the telly, and i felt outraged and wanted my money back too. The licence fee people owe something like 2p for that travesty.
(alpha2omega, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 19:19, closed)

Die Hard With A Vengeance
was pretty awesome.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 22:49, closed)