Adverts. Bah!
You know how in communist China they all wore the same uniform clothes? That’s how adverts should be. Functional but no more.

The Coca Cola song would be “It’s a drink it’s a drink it’s a fizzy fizzy drink”, Actimel women would explain that the only way to lessen bloating is to eat less you fat cow. The Lynx Effect would be a spotty youth having a quite evening down the boozer followed by an early night and a wank. Guinness adverts wouldn’t exist at all.

Freed from a constant stream of messages telling us how shit our lives are compared to people who use Eau Savage pour Homme, we could all march forward, hand in hand to the sunny socialist uplands.

.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 17:30, 6 replies)

More like a leftover from a previous QOTW
BOGOF ads are bad enough, but infinitely worse are those which offer something "for free". It's either free or for nothing but it's not for fourking free ya bastards and I know where ya live.

Nurse, he's biting the straps again!
(The Jannie, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 17:14, Reply)

What could possibly be better?
Sometimes it's hard to choose between Bravissimo

www.youtube.com/watch?v=A24P7AqLHr8&feature=related

or Simply Yours

www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMLROtA7njI

In my day you had the Littlewoods catalogue and that was it. Not much in the way of sexy undies on TV...
(Bukkake_Niqabi Pow, right in the kisser, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 16:22, 1 reply)

Ummm-Bongo!
It's a comfort to think that, every once in a while, the combatants in DR Congo's civil war down weapons to enjoy a refreshing carton of fruit-flavoured sugar-water.
Now if only Diet Coke would target the Taliban instead of air-headed, libidinous female office-workers... Perhaps soon they'd be ogling our muscular service-men instead of trying to kill them. You know a war is won when rpg's and rifle-fire are replaced with arcs of silken semen!
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 16:21, Reply)

"Please"
It would be nice to hear this in an advert rather than:

"Buy our product"
"Come to our store"
"Go Compare"

Bloody rude is what it is.
( awayfromthenumbers, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 16:19, 3 replies)

"You need to wash this whole room"
"Wash it?"
"Wash it with Febreze"

"Mmmmm, FRESSHH"

Fuck off you mongy twat
(porkinator is a Rock n Roll nerd!, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 16:17, 4 replies)

Piracy is a Crime
Thanks for making me sit through that... at the beginning of a purchased dvd.

Preaching to the wrong crowd.
( awayfromthenumbers, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 16:17, 4 replies)

Ah Nicole ..
... nuff said.
(Biff..., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:47, 3 replies)

Adverts for food
Should be banned after a certain time of night. Whether or not I am able to actually purchase a 'flame grilled anus burger' it has the effect of making me hungry...at 2am. So what to do? Large bowl of cereal, a few rounds of toast, a cuppa soup....fuck it, all three.

Seriously though, this country is in the first few verses of an obesity opera and by making a few simple changes to what they advertise and when, you could help cut down on people snacking before they go to bed. Even if you don't jump up as soon as the food advert is on, the natural cycle of hunger and eating has been ignited whether you are aware of it are not. i wonder if there has been any studies done showing the propensity of people to eat after they have been given visual cues. Personally I think they should be banned after 9pm. Well, ALL adverts should be banned, but that ain't going to happen.

PS
I'm not a lolfatty
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:26, 1 reply)

Children at risk
Battered kids, starving children, abused waifs, weeping unfortunates, flies, lots of flies, sinister shadows, scary voiceovers, paedo's everywhere, pestilence, fear, disease, HORROR... they all attempt to tug my heartstrings while I try and tuck into my Fray Bentos.

Seriously though, they do my box in, particularly the one that claimed - "No children were harmed in the making of this advert".
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:17, Reply)

"Theyre gonna taste great!!!"
....

at some point a human being invented this advert. And it was signed off by his managers. And agreed to be broadcast by Frosties.

Youd think at some point someone would raise their hand and object because its utter tosh.... seems not.

What on earth were they thinking?


(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 15:15, 4 replies)

Always wear nice undies out, just incase you get hit by a bus.
Jennifer Hawkins.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnm3xy7NBE4
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:55, Reply)

Meerkats talking in a quasi-Russian accent are not particularly fucking hilarious.

If you find the comparethemarket.com adverts funny, you are probably a degenerate mongoloid windowlicker, who enjoys tasting your own faeces.

Simples.
(anvil, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:53, 6 replies)

Should've gone to SpecSavers
'cos now you look like a knob
(RTFM May your god go with you, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:38, 1 reply)

Does anyone here have
a friend or a family member who will sing along to the advert, or at least the tagline bit?

If so, do you actually feel embarrassed on their behalf, even though you're just sitting in the living-room at home?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:36, 3 replies)

That fucking Guinness ad
I know, specific. OK, the one from years ago where some surfers are randomly accompanied by horses as they try to stay on their boards long enough for a woman to decide she wants to have sex with them (that's all surfing is, right?). Several years ago now. It had Leftfield on in the background and some kind of monotonous voiceover about tick following tock. Naturally it had fuck all to do with Guinness, unless the motif was "don't drink Guinness and surf, it'll make you hallucinate fucking great horses", and for some reason won various awards and "Best TV ads" polls, as if those are ever worth running, subtle dig, ha ha ha.

My problem is this. What the fuck was Gandalf doing chucking up horses in the waves for Guinness? Were the Nazgul stood just out of shot and in need of having the shit put up them? When did he find time to do this? Was all that stuff about being the prisoner of Saruman a cover story while he was off moonlighting? Hardly a productive use of a Wizard's time. Maybe that's how he got the new clobber after his scrap with the Balrog. His hair might have been hiding a corporate logo on the back like a football shirt. I think we should be told.

That is all.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 14:14, 10 replies)

Posh agency bird
A slight deviation from the topic, but still slightly relevant because this involves an ad agency wot I worked for, and the event relates to an ad campaign launch.
The occasion: A day-long event attended by The Great And The Good from the world of politics and business, to celebrate a significant episode in the life of one of the world's most important international organisations, namely a whopping multi-million Euros ad campaign.
The setting: The interior of an historic academic institution. It's a soiree which is also attended by hand-picked members of the agency sponsoring the event. Oddly enough, most of those from the agency just happen to be the typical eye candy account execs who do a damn fine job of charming our clients' middle-aged male marketing directors.
As the guests line up to enter the hallowed halls, a female account executive is ticking off the names.
One guest approaches.
- Account Exec: "Good evening sir."
- Guest: "Good evening."
- Account Exec: "What is your name please?"
- Guest: "Lawson."
- Account Exec: "First name?"
Long pause, followed by a deep, somewhat disapproving breath.
- Guest: "LORD."

The account exec was blonde.
( FishNChimps Achtung! Spitfeuer!, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 13:47, 5 replies)

Wonga.com
"I've run out of tramp juice and methadrone and need to borrow £70 till next Tuesday, or Big Sean will replace my testicles with my eyeballs..."

"No problem sir, we can lend you this at 2988% APR. Only you're too stupid to know what that means, so let's just say we'll give you the £70, you give us £90 back next week; if not, we'll come round and slit the throat of your first born..."

"Wow, thanks Wonga.com. It's just like having my own bank..." (*)

I don't know what makes me more sad and angry. The sheer audacity of the short term loan shark, the fact that people will actually think this is a good idea or the fact that it's possibly one of the cheapest, nastiest adverts I've ever seen. I'd like to think that the actor involved has tried to give it his all, to really inject some humour, pathos, some meaning into the role. What is probably more likely is that he's somewhere in a squat in South London, cutting his own face off with the broken shards of glass from the frame that held his RADA graduation certificate while the advert plays on a mocking loop as he bleeds to death.

That, or like Carol Vorderman, he's just bent over and taken the cash.


(*)though come to think of it, it is rather like a bank. And it least with this, the promise of "your kidneys may be in danger if you do not make the repayments on this loan" is rather more overt than the small print you get from the Halifax.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 13:41, 2 replies)

Government and Public Sector Adverts
Just stop it! You are infantilising swathes of the populous, insulting the intelligence of the remainder and pissing away jaw-dropping amounts of money.
NHS: It's not that people don't GET that sitting on their sofa all day, swigging beer, chain-smoking Gitanes filterless and eating butter straight from the packet or whatever it is they do, is going to give them health problems. They do it because it feels good and likely provides short-term relief from patterns of want and need determined very early on in childhood. A fucking plasticine figure with a rubber-tyre round its belly is not going to magically unravel the hugely complex array of defenses people have against giving up things they really like and/or feel they need: rationalisation, projection, denial yada yada. Everybody knows that smoking is bad for you. Everybody. I enjoy the occasional menthol in my garden on my time and I pay plenty in tax for the privilege - leave me the fuck alone.
And that godawful, patronising turd of an advert: "I don't do politics," in which it finally dawns on a badly drawn moron that politics impacts on his reality, makes my blood boil. It is blatantly based on an assumption within the Labour party that its own supporters are inherently dimmer and more politically apathetic than those of other parties. A cynical attempt to squeeze a few more votes out of the public under the guise of spreading the virtues of political awareness.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 13:00, 1 reply)

no link but a real story
back in the day...I got a call from my pisspoor agent saying she had got me an audition for an ad for Mitsubishi 4x4 car, only problem it’s in an 1 1/2 at 2.30pm Wardour street contrast ad can you get there? Yeh sure no problem, ‘by the way’ she says ’it’s a good idea to dress as close to the type as possible the casting director has no imagination and they want to see you as close to the part as possible’.
First type, late 20's early 30's cool family man alpha male type rugged outdoor handsome, second type Alan Partridge style Sunday driver, out of shape boring etc... guess which she had put me forward for? yup.
So I rushed round to my dad’s and borrowed his stuff which was perfect, beige golf slacks, pink and black diamond pattern Sergio Gabbici v neck, raspberry polyester roll neck top, Dunns tweed cap, brown brogue shoes with white socks got changed into it trousers were a bit short but hey it looks the part then bought driving gloves on the way.
Got there bang on time, checked in and was waiting with about 6 other actors all dressed as the alpha male type. I had endured the sniggers on the tube across London so a bit more was tolerated with me thinking it’s in the bag because I look fucking perfect for this.
I get called in for the reading and they just start laughing as soon as I walk through, even better I think they will definitely remember me. The director then drops the bombshell 'didn't your agent tell you? we changed the brief last week we are just going for the alpha male' cue another round of humiliating laughter from the packed room. Longest walk of my life going out.
It was yet another nail in the coffin of my career. Fucking adverts
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 12:51, 2 replies)

I'm suddenly in the mind for a Big Mac
www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UKLncvGxQ8&NR=1
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 12:50, 1 reply)

Just one expression does it for me
It's from those otherwise-appalling Renault Clio ads from a few years back with the whole England vs. France motif, where the UK was represented by some gay actor who was once in Casualty or summat, while the French end was held up by the girl with the sexy accent and the ability to speak a language other than her own.

It's the moment where she smirks and sexily bites her bottom lip, guaranteed to make me want to show her a bit of my entente cordiale.

See 0:58 in the linked video file:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=5b55Y1X4Nw0
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 12:43, 3 replies)

Go Compare Guy
...needs to be strangled with his own moustache. If indeed it is his own moustache, which I HIGHLY doubt.
On a more positive note, I used to love those 'Charlie says...' adverts (from the early eighties) in which a lad politely declines a sexual predator's dubious invitation to go and see some puppies and is then rewarded for his good sense with an apple. I always used to think, "Poor sod. That must at least be worth a Mars Bar."
Charlie, for forriners and the youthful, was the boy's pet cat and the one whose wise counsel averts his owner's premature deflowering. I believe he got a fish.
Can anyone remember what the alleged paedo looked like? Memory doesn't serve. Was he wearing a mac, thick NHS glasses etc.?
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 12:25, 19 replies)

Awards time
The award for least communication between product development department and marketing goes to Gillette for thinking they could make something better than the Mach 3.

Marketing: "This Mach 3 is fantastic, and everyone we survey has agreed. Just the right amount of blades too. Yay us!"

Meanwhile, in product development..

"Fucksocks, Wilkinson have brought out the 4-blade Quattro. Everyone will bin their Mach 3 and buy that instead. We must development a new razor; one with 5 blades. No, 6! 5 and then one on the back"
...sometime later...

Marketing: "What the fuck's this piece of crap? We've hit perfection with the Mach 3, who's gonna buy this? No one, that's who. Everyone still prefers their old one."
Prod Dev: "We've spent a truckload of cash on this, so make sure it sells"
Marketing: "We need to beg people to buy our new Fusion. What says 'please buy our new razor, we know it's second rate, but buy it anyway. It cost us a bomb to invent.' most? I know, lets get expensive sportstars to stop people using their old Mach 3 by using sporting tricks. I mean, surely every man would buy the Fusion if David Beckham kicked a fucking football in your face."
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 12:25, 1 reply)

Christian ads.
They're not going to be able to use any images of Jesus with children for the next few decades are they?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 12:17, Reply)

yet another tooblink..
Just plain weird.. chocadooby!
www.youtube.com/watch#!v=B9MgA9kcw9I
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Mon 19 Apr 2010, 12:11, 1 reply)

Hmm
www.iseveryfuckingpostthisweekjustgoingtobeayoutubelink.com
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 12:05, 2 replies)

Hope this hasn't been done yet
The best one in years:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nopKDuydRo
( Squilliam but . . . . *I'm* the one with all the talent!, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 11:43, Reply)

Shampoo - making rape sexy!
The one I really remember was a pretty dodgy advert for shampoo (Super Soft) which featured a village dealing with a viking invasion - burning huts, raping and pillaging (though to be fair, they don't say raping but they mean it).

One girl prepares for the rape/pillage by WASHING HER HAIR....hurrah! Now she is all ready to be grabbed by a 'sexy' viking, flung over his shoulder and taken off to be raped - and she feels soooo pretty. Well that's alright then.

It was early 70s but even then I knew it was wrong.


OMG I just found it!!! Worse than I thought, she even giggles!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRSGSb7_L2Y
( camp freddy well, would you look at that!, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 11:32, 4 replies)

Does anyone remember...
... an ad from the 80's that used the theme music from 'the good the bad and the ugly' (oo-ee-oo-ee-oooooo, wah, wah, wah). It showed two cowboys fighting over the product then 'finished'. A new ad started appearing to be for something like washing powder and the two cowboys reappeared (avec music), still fighting. It may have extended into a 'third ad', too.

Am I making this up?
(kitch, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 11:28, 4 replies)