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This is a question That One Mate

Second Best Porcupine asks, “can we have another story about that lovable scamp Alan, please?” We all know an “Alan”. Tell us about that one mate who can't help but get in to trouble.

(, Thu 2 Jul 2015, 10:54)
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Oh Johnny, where art thou?
I'm fairly sure Johnny only came to Portsmouth University because he got lost on his way home from his A-level exams. Stumbling into the admissions office, he must have been so utterly bewildered by the Hampshire accent (so different from his native Essex drawl) that he blurted out an inquisitive "English?" at the enrollment officer, which is how he ended up studying Language and Literature alongside me all those years ago. Somehow, we even ended up sharing a house for a year.

Vacant-eyed, slack of jaw, Johnny was a loveable little bundle of podge without a single opinion of his own - he'd bimble backwards and forwards through a conversation trying to please everyone, then reach the lacklustre conclusion of "well I dunno reaaaalllly", bringing his contribution to an indecisive end.

Yet somehow Johnny was blessed with superhuman powers, which could only be unleashed through serious alcohol consumption. After three pints of cheap lager, this young drone from Colchester would become agitated, perplexed, then increasingly outraged, until he would tear at his clothing in a desperate attempt to get naked like The Hulk, all the better to rain down his furious anger on the unwitting and undeserving. No pint glass would go unsmashed, no pub table left unturned, when Johnny succumbed to his alcoholic rages.

This Jekyll-and-Hyde transformation became so legendary that students from other courses, other faculties, possibly other fucking universities, would hunt him down once classes had finished and offer to buy him booze. He lapped that shit up, felt like he was the most popular man in Portsmouth, but he was little more than a wind-up toy for the millenial generation. Like a drunken Buckaroo, it was a game of finding just the right amount of alcohol to reach his tipping point, at which moment he would unleash the full force of his tiny mind and feeble muscles.

Johnny was able to curl out a log into each pocket of a pool table in a single session, squatting on the baize like an apoplectic robin forcing out some particularly large eggs. He didn't wipe after.

Johnny lay back and let strangers force-feed him Maltesers, while a rugby forward jammed a thumb under his chin to prevent him swallowing. The resulting photo, named "54", was entered into a photography competition at the local gallery, and came third.

Johnny bought a load of used porn mags from a junk store, tore out the staples, then set about plastering his bedroom walls with the loose pages, using his own semen as glue. He only managed one page before passing out, and we found him the next morning, grey y-fronts round his ankles, unable to stand because his arm had gone numb and he couldn't get off the floor. The sight of his bare arse atop a sea of bemulleted naked women, voice plaintively mewling "help me mate, I can't get up, I think I'm done for" is forever etched in my mind.

And yet, despite the complete destruction of our university house, the endless visits from the police, the lingering stench of ferret shit from one of his odd pet experiments, and the sight of his mum burning everything he owned in our back garden, I sort of miss that flubbery sack of gormlessness and malice. I haven't seen him for over a decade, but I hope he's avoided prison.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 8:20, 10 replies)
I think that this should win.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:43, closed)
It probably will, there's not a great deal of competition.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:01, closed)
Where's the Fight Club style twist ending,
where you reveal that Johnny was you all along?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:16, closed)
I don't think he knows yet.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:23, closed)
When I look in the mirror I do bear a resemblance to Tyler Durden
so it would be quite amusing if it turned out I don't exist.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:27, closed)

yler D
en s
(, Wed 8 Jul 2015, 16:11, closed)
Splendid and tremendous.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:05, closed)

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:11, closed)

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:12, closed)

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:29, closed)
QOTW would be dead on its arse if you stopped posting

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:05, closed)
i just laughed so hard i thought i was going to faint

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:36, closed)
which bit was the funniest?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:46, closed)
The bit where 2can got upset

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:02, closed)
the numb arm

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:04, closed)
your stupid face

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 19:21, closed)

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 20:22, closed)
yeah, that's the one

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 23:59, closed)

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Pages: Popular, 2, 1