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This is a question When Animals Attack

I once witnessed my best friend savaged near to death by a flock of rampant killer sheep.

It's a kill-or-be-killed world out there and poor Steve Irwin never made it back alive. Tell us your tales of survival.

(, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 14:45)
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In which Our Hero barks for his life.
For freshman orientation in college* we were split into groups of about a dozen and sent off into the woods with a pair of seniors to have a small adventure. You could choose to go hiking, climbing, or any number of things. I chose canoeing.

The group is seven dudes and seven gals, all of us young, fresh-faced, horny, and excited to be college students. Did I get laid on this trip? Did I, fuck. This is not the proper QOTW for that story anyway.

So on the way to the river the seniors are briefing us on the rules and the general plan for the trip. I have a bit of experience and the guy from Alaska has some, too, but otherwise the rest are mostly from small suburbs in the Midwest or big cities like Manhattan. We are in The Middle of Nowhere, New Hampshire, which means mountains, trees, oh - and moose. LOTS of moose.

Here's the thing about moose: they get aggressive when they're in heat, and they're bigger than any animal needs to ever be. HUGE. Yet they still have natural enemies. Or rather, HAD - before the local wolves were all killed off. So, how do you stop a moose from charging? Bark. You bark like a dog. This will trigger the beast's innate fear of wolves and scare it away. Not that we were likely to meet any on our trip, mind you, but it's useful information to have just in case.

The first day we head out and make camp at a makeshift air strip, which was really just a quarter-mile clearing in the trees. We stack the canoes like a log cabin and throw a tarp over top. Ta-daa! Something for all of us hot, tight-bodied teens to sleep under! You know, next to each other. At night, in the dark.

Follow dinner, frisbee, chatting on and such. One thing leads to another, and there we are all snuggled in our sleeping bags and Our Hero begins to doze off...

[whispering]"Jesse... wake up."
"SHHHHHHHH! There's a moose!"

My first thought is of the blonde next to me. I can be brave and valiant in the face of danger! Surely I will get SO laid after all of this - WAIT. WE ARE UNDER SOME HEAVY CANOES.

[more whispering]
Is everyone awake?
Wait, I see it!
By the trees! I see it too!
There's two of them!

Finally, one of the seniors:
You guys - we may have to start barking. If they get close we should all bark at once.

Um. It got close. We barked. Loudly. All 14 of us (12 freshmen and two seniors). For our lives. FOR OUR LIVES.

*ruff! ruff!
*yip! yipyip!
*grrrr arf arf arf!

For at least 60 seconts, which is a long time to be doing something like that. Trust me. We eventually quieted down.

[whispering] (for no reason)
Are they gone?
Did it work?
Does anyone see anything?
I think they left.

Next thing I know, in the moonlight between the canoes, there is a tall and skinny leg DIRECTLY in front of me. I believe I am the one that started the second round.

*woof woof!

As I am barking my lungs out and bracing for the canoes to collapse on top of us, a large snout pokes through the tarp. A flashlight beam hits it, and it narrows. Eyes. Small. Antlers... pointy?

Suddenly there's multiple flashlights from outside the tent, and the senior holding the antelope head ducks into the tarp. GOTCHA!

Sons of bitches. Sons. Of Bitches.

The seniors pranked us BUT GOOD. It was an extra crew of seniors brining us some supplies for the next day. And from the beginning it was all a farce! They had to pull the Alaskan guy aside and tell him to play along. He told us later that the whole time we were whispering he had his head in the pillow and was ready to die from holding it in! To this day it's a better prank than I've ever pulled, and the best I've been victim to.

But they brought us homemade brownies and beer to make up for it, so we all had a small party there in the night. Um, I never got anywhere with that blonde girl. But wait, this is my story, right? What I meant was, I nailed her a week later and her roomate the week after. So all's well.

*You bet your ass I'm 'Merkin! "Color!" "Dollars!" Wanna fight about it?


Apologies for length, but I'm compensating for my short penis.
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 6:34, 16 replies)
Gets a click
even if you are a septic.

*stores in head for later usage if I can find someone gullible enough*

(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 7:11, closed)
Did you mean to call me a skeptic? Because I was, like, your first fan! I've always been on the Legless bandwagon. Hell, I DRIVE it!
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 8:17, closed)
Another name for Americans is septics.

Septic Tank - Yank.

But good tale, well told.


And woo! I've got a fan! Now what the hell do I *do* with it?
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 8:31, closed)
Get it to clean for you and make tea
Failing that, some sort of primitive air conditioning system?
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 8:44, closed)
Ha - I thought we only used that one in Dublin - nice one! Good story Septic!

btw, we call Brits "Slurriers" - you'll laugh when that one hits.
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 8:46, closed)
Moose make me laugh. They remind me of a cross between an elephant and a deer.
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 9:10, closed)
Moose fact
The antlers increase the sensitivity of their hearing. A bit like a satellite dish.

Perhaps the hard of hearing should go around wearing moose antlers as a cheap alternative to hearing aids. The NHS would save pence literally.
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 9:18, closed)
yey :)
That got a chuckle

(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 9:37, closed)
You thought a cockney rhyming slang term was only used in Dublin?
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 9:40, closed)
@ Legless
Plug it in?

No wait - the septics have different voltage to us...hmmm...never mind - plug it in :)

Oh yeah - *click*
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 9:48, closed)
okay, i'm going to bite. I don't get the slurriers comment.

Good story too.
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 9:51, closed)
Slurry pit - Brit?

*edit* and mornin'.
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 10:01, closed)
Oh right

Morning yerself, thanks for the blowjob.
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 10:04, closed)
You told me that was just how grown ups kiss!


Just read your reply below, it was my pleasure
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 10:07, closed)
Bark for your life, indeed
Please tell me you know better now. You wouldn't really try to scare off a moose with a bark, right?

Just stay the fuck away from them. They look stupid and harmless, but they will kill you as soon as look at you. Don't fuck with them, just don't. Really.

TDub from the North Woods
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 23:31, closed)
Great prank
now I wish I liked camping so I could try that one.....

and don't worry about your short penis...it will grow when you get excited.
(, Thu 1 May 2008, 1:55, closed)

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