The Moth From Another Dimension
I was woken up at 1am with the sound of something flapping about the room. I turn the light on, and can't see nothing there. Then out of the corner of my eye, I notice a cigar shape dangling off the ceiling in the corner of the room....now I am starting to twitch a bit...but so's this fecking cigar.

It opens up it's wings (due to me putting the light on), and it's the size of a pidgeon. And its seeing me standing there looking sheepish (well I am welsh). It then starts flying at me, and I do what most male blooded men do in an emergency; start flapping me arms and running around the room screaming a bit. I luckily run past a baseball bat in the corner of the room, pick it up, and homerun this monster into my front window, where it makes a clunking sound and lands on the windowsill, dead as a dodo.

I've never slept in that house again, and I won't with even a small window open.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 11:23, Reply)

Pure genius
When my brother was about 6 we were on a day out in Margate. He opened up his burger to put some ketchup in, and in a moment of pure genius a seagull flew overhead and shat right in the middle of it. Tartare sauce anyone?
(davefromkent, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 11:18, Reply)

Monkey
I went to Hong Kong about 5 years ago, and was attacked by a monkey whilst eating my lunch. It grabbed my arm and started hitting me about the shoulder and back. By the time I'd retaliated, it's buddy had grabbed my food, and they both ran off laughing at me.
(MrFaberge we didn't burn him!, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 11:06, Reply)

Bird of Prey
I don't know what kind of bird it was - it was big, brown and had rather nasty looking claws. [It was probably rare or something, but not that it matters now].

I was driving along, air-con on, loads of passengers crammed in the back (I was driving a train btw) when this brown blur came screaming out of the sky and grabbed a small rodent who was running down the track away from me. However, I think it failed to notice me doing 80mph towards it.

I had to fill out a report to explain the claw marks on the windscreen...
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 11:06, Reply)

Farmer:
you had it easy; at aged two, I was made (by my parents??!!) to stand in Trafalgar Square with bird food in my hair and hold bags of bird food in my outstreched hands.
Whilst for some reason wearing Paddington Bear-esque style boots, anorak and hat.

After only about 10 seconds i was covered in pigeons and pigeon shit.

My parents thought it was hilarious.

I on the other hand failed to see the funny side.
(nappy rash, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 10:47, Reply)

When i was little....
I was taken to Trafalger Square. Someone thought it was funny to put bird food in my hair.

It wasn't.
(farmer, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 10:04, Reply)

quasi-attack
Last year in the late summer, I decided one Saturday to take a lovely early morning walk in the wilderness surrounding the local college. I was having a nice time until all of a sudden a giant black dog jumped out at me from a bush. I was frozen for a few seconds in fear until it started running for me with a crazy look in its eye. At that point I decided to run for my life. This went on for about a quarter mile until I found a tree I could climb. The dog stopped at the bottom of the tree and stared. Then following it came a woman waving a leash. She proceeded to apologize in a heavy Australian accent, but then burst out laughing while I stared at her in disbelief from the tree. Damn her. She jogged off into the woods with her dog(still laughing) and now I'm even more scared of strange dogs than I was before.
( trintrin has jam for blood, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 9:30, Reply)

Naked.
I was forced to strip naked by a wombat.

Well, no, but I very well could've... You never know with those freaking wombats, I'll tell you.
(st0pid, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 9:24, Reply)

butterfly of the night
I once got attacked by a moth in Prague. my brother wouldn't wake up and help me, only mumble wierd sleep talk. I was fucked. It wasn't pretty.

They are full of a wierd orange goo sticky enough to hold the big half of one to a wall for several seconds.

I won't sleep tonight.
(bloodyHassocks, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 9:13, Reply)

jingo
i was attacked by a bunch of frogs once.

but i've been back to france several times since and found the locals to be thoroughly decent people.
(chives, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 7:54, Reply)

bird
i was walking down a flight of stairs at my university
one of those outdoor set of flights that go down a grassy hill
and i was looking down at a magazine.. and i was wearing a red jacket

well something hit me in the back sooo hard i flew forward and did a somersault
proceed to fall down the remaning 13 steps and landed in a crumpled heap on the ground.

i got up thinking some fuckfork had hit me with a footie ball or a frisbee
only to see a giant black bird hopping around on the step

it had hit me so hard in the back it had broken a wing

damn birds.
(spiffy_socks, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 5:40, Reply)

Last weekend at the Mother In Law's
BBQ (groan)........a bird shit on my hand while I was sneaking a crafty cig. Of course, everyone laughed their asses off.
On Monday, I came down with "a cold" (also known as man flu), and brushed it off as a cold. I now have walking pneumonia.
Obviously, it's unrelated, but my hypochondriac of a sister in law has decided it's because of the bird crapping on my hand. And she's keeping her son away from our house for the next couple of months "just in case he gets sick".
Hmmm, my sister in law is odd. Very odd.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 4:09, Reply)

I woke up my grans dog...
...it wasn't happy, it bit me in the face and I had to have stitches and plastic surgery. it was all alright in the end though, the dog did get diarrhea :D

Me 1 dog 1
( Vintage The badgers took my sanity... and my TV, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 2:43, Reply)

I jump-started a squirrel
It was hiding in the radiator in the hall by the front door, but its tail was sticking out. What to do? Use my jumper cables to nab its negative end, then using centrifugal motion, fling it. However, while in orbit, the squirrel had a different idea: make scary chewey faces and try to climb up the cable!
I had to fling the cable and try to hit the clip with a rock to release it. The squirrel got away with a bald spot on its tail, but I never got away from the chewey faces my cousin would make at me whenever he remembered...
(Blob, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 2:01, Reply)

the truth about cats and dogs
My mate got out of hospital after surgery. Feeling a bit low, she went to stroke kitty. Kitty was a bastard and took a swipe at her wrist, actually nicking a vein. The vein started to spurt like that butchered knight in Holy Grail. Naturally, this quite freaked my mate at the time. She went to the doctor the next day and had some trouble convincing him she was not having suicidal thoughts after her operation. She still carries the scar on her arm.

Dogs can be a bit evil too, can't they? We went to stay with friends in the country. They had the world's most spoiled chihuahua. It decided my six year old daughter was lower in the pecking order and bailed her up, barking like nuts whenever she left my side. My mate taught her to make herself big and scary by sticking her arms straight up in the air and dancing around like a nutter whenever the evil dog had a go. So, my daughter goes inside to watch telly, and guess what? We hear shouts of "Mum! Mum!" suddenly coming from the house. We run in and there's my little girl standing right up on top of the sofa back, dancing madly and frantically for dear life. That little turd of a dog is just leaping and yapping and going off at her - the bugger had sneaked in the door when we weren't looking to find the poor kid.

Of course, we all pissed ourselves laughing. There's nothing funnier than watching a six year old trying to dance a dog into submission.
(jube, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 1:48, Reply)

Another animal attack
If it isn't bloody wasps (mentioned earlier), it's bloody sheep. At the tender age of 8, I was on a school trip to Padley Gorge and the Burbage Valley (something to do with celebrating the Padley Martyrs- all I knew is that it was deathly dull- Catholicism does not an interested child make!). Later on in the day, we all went for a picnic. I was minding my own business, like the good little Catholic child I was, and then out of nowhere I got got mugged by a Protestant Ninja Sheep (fancied itself a baaaadass I guess), personally trained by Martin Luther. What did it steal? My banana. Bastard. Now whenever I see anything remotely ovine I yell "mint sauce!!" at the top of my voice. It tends to shock people right at the start of lambing season, but they have never had to put up with the horror (or for that matter humiliation) of being mugged by a sheep.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 9 Jun 2005, 1:09, Reply)

evil gnats
Really, really didn't get on well with heights as a nipper, so naturally my parents always thought it a great idea to take me hill walking in Wales. Big buggers too - on this occasion it took us hours to get anywhere near the top, but being mummy and daddy's brave little soldier, I ran on ahead for the last bit to be "king of the castle" to dad's "dirty rascal".

However, hovering at the top was the most enormous and densely packed cloud of gnats I've ever seen, which suddenly dispersed and engulfed, freaking me out so much that I ran off screaming, not paying any real attention to where I was running to. So, I missed my footing, went tumbling down about a third of the height of the entire hill, and ended up in a bed of the tallest, bushiest, nettliest nettles I've ever seen. Stings absolutely everywhere, including my bell end and inside my mouth, ears and nose. I was bathing in Dettol for a month after that.
(dandelionburdock, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 1:02, Reply)

dogs
I've been attacked by a dog when I was little, and I've been afraid of them for a while, now I'm not afraid of dogs.
(roygerdodger, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 0:36, Reply)

Once got attacked by vicious ants
in Egypt, bloody sore legs from the little feckers. Ah well, on producing my trusty magnifying glass + searing sun, revenge was wreaked.. Run ya Bastards Run tee hee
(shitstirrer, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 0:04, Reply)