b3ta.com qotw
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Question of the Week » Anonymous » Post 616679 | Search
This is a question Anonymous

One of the B3ta team danced on stage at the Brixton Academy dressed as an enormous white rabbit, and lived to tell the tale. Confess the stuff – good or bad - you've done anonymously.

(, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 12:10)
Pages: Popular, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

« Go Back

A few years ago when I worked in London, I got into the habit of going to the pub of a Friday evening with a group of mates from work. The group consisted of four other blokes and Eleanor (for that was definitely not her name). Now Eleanor was a bit of a strange bird, no supermodel but kind of alluring in her own way, and incredibly filthy. During the course of these drinking sessions we had been treated to many tales and fantasies about her sexual exploits and the things that floated her boat - some of which were sexy, and some of which were just plain disturbing.

She was also prone to some highly risky behavior, such as walking home alone across Clapham Common in the dark every Friday night - despite the chivalrous protests of the blokes she regularly drank with. We knew she carried pepper spray anyway, and she always seemed to make it home safely, so we had long since got out of the habit of making a fuss about it.

So one night we're sitting in the pub as usual, when out of the blue she says in an exasperated tone "you know, I've been walking home alone in the dark every week for months - you'd think someone would have had a crack at me by now." Knowing Eleanor, none of us are particularly shocked to hear this, and we take it in stride as she elaborates on her fantasy of a shadowy figure grabbing her in dark, dragging her into the bushes and having his way with her.

But the next part we didn't see coming: "How about if one of you does the honours?" Now some uncomfortable glances are exchanged as Eleanor confirms that she wants one of her 5 male drinking buddies to basically force himself upon her on the way home that night. "I'm going to the ladies' now," she says, "so you'll have a chance to decide who it is. And we won't mention it again for the rest of the night."

While she's gone, we go through the phases of "is she joking?" and "well I'm not doing it", and quickly reach the conclusion that none of us is willing to do the deed, and in any case, we're pretty sure this is just another of her fantasies and she would never seriously follow through on it. True to her word, Eleanor changes the subject as soon as she returns, and doesn't speak of it again for the rest of the evening. At the end of the night we all charge off in different directions as usual, Eleanor taking her usual hazardous stroll across the darkened Common.

The following Friday, Eleanor arrives late to the pub having been held up at work. When she sits down she looks at each of us in turn, as if searching for something in our expressions. Apparently finding no answers there she declares "Whoever it was last week - same time again tonight?". We exchange glances, not knowing what she's talking about, and respond as such. She looks puzzled: "On the Common on the way home last Friday. You know what I'm talking about." Doubt is beginning to cloud her expression now, as we figure out how to tell her that if she did "meet" someone on the way home last week, it wasn't one of us. It takes a lot of persuasion to convince her we're not winding her up, but eventually she believes us, and looks a little shell shocked to say the least.

She tells the story: Last Friday she sets off across the Common for home, still mulling over the fantasy she discussed with the boys in the pub. She doesn't really expect any of us to actually do as she had asked, but the conversation in the pub has raised the possibility just enough past the realm of pure fantasy that she feels a little more "excited" than usual. So much so that, when she hears brisk footsteps approach her from behind and feels a strong arm around her neck, she just goes along with it and allows herself to be dragged backwards into the shadows. In her ever-eloquent words, "I was wet before he tore off my knickers." She goes into some (too much) detail about what ensued which I won't elaborate, suffice to say that her unknown partner was "forceful but not too rough" and that she was pretty sure the guy had slipped on a condom before getting down to business - which kept her convinced that "she knew her attacker". All in all, she had a pretty pleasant time.

Now, though, the normally unshakable Eleanor is looking a little spooked, but - Eleanor being Eleanor - she quickly starts to shake it off and reflect on the fact that one of her greatest fantasies actually happened without damage or consequences. (This girl, as I implied earlier, has some serious issues.) So much so that by the end of the night, she's actually joking that she can't wait to walk home to see if she'll "get lucky" again. We boys, of course, are strongly protesting that there's no way we're letting her walk home alone after last week, and that she was lucky not to get seriously hurt. But come the end of the night, her strong will trumps our alcohol-addled heads, and she toddles off home alone once more.

That night, I follow her across the common and repeat my performance from the previous week. She fucking loved it.
(, Sat 16 Jan 2010, 20:32, 34 replies)
Very nicely told!
(, Sat 16 Jan 2010, 23:29, closed)
Oh bravo
A wonderful read. Congratulations!
(, Sun 17 Jan 2010, 0:33, closed)
have a click.
(, Sun 17 Jan 2010, 1:45, closed)
You can have a click...
...if I can have Eleanor's phone number.
(, Sun 17 Jan 2010, 9:53, closed)
What you're saying there is that you want to rape someone.

(, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 14:04, closed)
How weird
is it that I started reading this and Substance by New Order came on shuffle, the first two lines being "I like walking in the park/When it gets late at night".

Combine that with the well told story, and you get a click.
(, Sun 17 Jan 2010, 13:03, closed)
I had almost exactly the same experience,
except the second time I went back I realised I'd gone the wrong way and had exciting, anonymous sex with a cow.
(, Sun 17 Jan 2010, 14:31, closed)
Brilliant story.I wish you were my friend.
(, Sun 17 Jan 2010, 19:18, closed)
So he could lie about fucking you too?

(, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:10, closed)
she's lying about being female

(, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:20, closed)
You're not the baroness.

(, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 14:01, closed)
This really happened.

(, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:04, closed)
oh come on
It's satire. And well told too.
(, Tue 19 Jan 2010, 13:01, closed)
I bet you go to the letters page in 'Razzle' first too.

(, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 16:07, closed)
I bet your copies of razzle are soaked with tears

(, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 16:27, closed)
I'm impressed you managed to type all of this out with one hand..

(, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:20, closed)
Unpopular virgin tells lies on the internet.
More shocking revelations on page five.
(, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 13:55, closed)
Why so hostile?
(, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 15:35, closed)
Look it up.
(, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 7:51, closed)
Is that a posh word for 'Shambles looks down on virginal liars'?

(, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 16:08, closed)

People don't lie on the internet.
(, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 1:34, closed)
I wish I was as cool as you

(, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 14:31, closed)
Lovely story
Could be improved with just a smidge of Honda.
(, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 14:49, closed)
True or not
(And hopefully not), a well-told and funny tale with a great punchline.

Hence click.

Dktr S
(, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 15:53, closed)
Always makes me laugh
when someone tells a satirical story that's obviously made up, and several people (usually the same people, actually) instantly jump on it, like flies to shit, saying "yeah, because this actually happened". Like you actually expect it to be true.

Are they so autistic and humourless that they can't see that it's meant to be in jest?

It's a fucking story, man. Get over it. I thought it was funny and well written.
(, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 16:40, closed)
Common sense returns to the Internet
Thanks Mr Burger. I can confirm that my original post was nothing more than a piece of creative writing, designed (like the rest of this website) to be of entertainment value only. I just find, like most of the fiction we see posted on qotw, that the story reads better if it's presented as if it were true.

To everyone who has complimented me above: thank you - your positive feedback makes my effort worthwhile.

To the poisonous "Honda Accord" clique: go away and create something - it'll make you a better person.
(, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 17:05, closed)
Ahh the old 'it was really a cunning satire to out the bullies' defence.

(, Tue 19 Jan 2010, 7:32, closed)
Umm, nope
It wasn't to "out the bullies", it was to entertain, and judging by most of the responses I succeeded in that goal. Interesting that you like to think of yourself as a bully. Could it be that you spent most of your life being the bully-ee, and you think you can turn that around on the Internet?

By the way, your profile says you have posted 128 stories on qotw. Where are they all? When I trawl through your history, all I see are snide one-line comebacks to other people's answers, many of which are repeated over and over again. Don't you get bored? Don't you feel a gnawing emptiness inside when all you contribute to a pleasant online conversation is negative comments?

Here's a little challenge for you: When the next qotw comes out, switch off the sarcasm and hostility, and switch on your creativity. Post a story - true or fictional, it doesn't matter - that you think will entertain the b3ta masses, and then sit back and wait for replies and clicks. I think you'll find it a much more rewarding experience, knowing that you've contributed something worthwhile, that people won't hate you for. Do it now, before it's too late and they have to carve "This REALLY happened" on your gravestone.

I'll be waiting...
(, Tue 19 Jan 2010, 16:43, closed)
Well I can see that you've clearly done your research here.

(, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 16:09, closed)
What a disappointing response

(, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:55, closed)
Mr Badger
Your sarcastic disdain would be a mite more convincing if you were not quite so willing to jump up and shout "Miss! Miss! There's a LIAR!" every single bleeding time.

You made your point several posts above. We're not stupid, we can work these things out for ourselves. Give it a rest.
(, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 19:24, closed)
I bet you go to the letters page in 'Razzle' first too.

(, Tue 19 Jan 2010, 7:34, closed)

(, Tue 19 Jan 2010, 9:22, closed)
this is the best reply

(, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 9:18, closed)

« Go Back

Pages: Popular, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1