We're here to help...
Quite frankly, I’d rather be stripped stark bollock naked, have a dozen-or-so ripe oranges attached to my cock and balls with rusty hooks, then be locked in a room with a load of horny drunk gorillas who’ve had their breakfast lettuce spiked with Viagra for a couple of hours of interspecies group homo rapage than have to deal with banks...

Allow me tell you about the utter fuckwittedness, utter contempt, utter dim-witted cuntishness of these complete and utter cock-sucking, monkey-felching, shrunken gonaded, disease ridden gobshite wankers...

Last summer my girlfriend had a seven hour operation up at University College London Hospital. They day before she went in I trotted off to withdraw some cash from her account.; We were on the bones of our arse, we were living on absolutely fuck all. We’d only moved into our new flat in March, and then she got ill, really ill – we ended up surviving on my wage alone, which meant we could pay the bills, but when everything came out we were left with about forty quid a month to feed ourselves and purchase prescriptions for Liz (my girlfriend). It was a really fucking hard few months. Anyway, off I trot to the cash machine. We’d budgeted so we’d have enough to get a taxi down to the hospital and another one back after Liz’s op – yes, we really were that skint, counting every single last fucking penny.

But the ATM didn’t work. There was no money in the account. I panicked a bit, flapped my arms about, felt like being sick, then composed myself a bit and went back to the flat to rang Liz’s bank. Firstly, they wouldn’t speak to me. Even though I explained my girlfriend was on more medication than Keith Richards at an all-you-can-snort drugs buffet, they had to speak to Liz. She took the phone, had a chat with the mong cunt on the other end of the line. Then she started to cry. Turns out some fucker had cloned Liz’s card and raped her bank account. She was even asked if she’d been in New York at three am the previous morning, and also if she’d been in Turin at four am – apparently that’s where the last few quid we had in the bank had been withdrawn.

I took the phone. Explained that my girlfriend was very seriously ill, was having a major op in the morning, and we needed this cash back asap so I could at least get Liz to the hospital in the morning. The bank said no. I got really fucking angry, asked to speak to a supervisor. Told them the same story. After ten minutes of talking, the supervisor paused for a bit and said: “So, you’re not named on the account?” I said “no, as I’ve just explained to you, it’s my girlfriends account.” And then they cut me off.

I rang back. Twenty minutes later, after explaining the situation for a third time – having to get Liz who was off her tits on morphine patches to give her consent to let me talk to these fuckers, I finally got someone who was willing to help. They said they understood the situation perfectly. They agreed that it wasn’t possible to be in New York at 3 and Turin at 4 (not unless you were fucking Superman or had access to a fucking Tardis), and they said they’d have the money refunded back the next day. Great. Half an hour in and I’d finally cracked it.

But there was one problem: “You’re girlfriend just has to go into her local branch tomorrow morning and sign some paperwork, and we’ll get that sorted for you,” oozed the cunt on the phone.

“But, I’ve just explained my girlfriend’s going into hospital tomorrow at 7am for a major operation... She’s in agony and can hardly move, she’s on bloody morphine, for Christ’s sake!”

And then the complete and utter dickweed, the prize cunt in the brothel of the world’s greatest cunts said something utterly unbelievable, something that made me cut the fucker off without a word. Something that made me want to get in touch with my dodgy Uncle Antonio in Italy and see if he could arrange to have some of his connected friends pay this utter fetid spunkstain bollock-broth abortion of a human beign a visit. The cunt said: “If your girlfriend’s serious about wanting the funds back tomorrow I think she needs to get her priorities right...”

I ended up borrowing some cash off a mate. I hate borrowing money and its the first time in my life I've ever asked a mate to help out financially. And unfortunately every fucking word of this is absolutely true. The bank in question is named Nasty West, by the way, or something very close to that...

EDIT: Liz had a successful op, her lady-area is now fully operational, and we're currently trying for a baby (not at this very minute, my boss might be a bit pissed off about that). So, fingers crossed, Spanky Jr might be looking up the skirts of the girls at the nursery very soon(ish)... I'd be so damn proud.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 14:20, 20 replies)

what cunts.
I don't like this at all but that's all I can click.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 16 Jul 2009, 14:25, closed)

What a...
bunch of cunts. No, I'm wrong - cunts are useful. Those fuckers are half a cunt - no use to any fucker.

I think there's gonna be some rage flying about in QOTW this week...
( snee held his breath since, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 14:31, closed)

Dirty fucking bastards
That makes me so angry, can you imagine if he'd said that to you face to face? Glad your lady is all better :)
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 14:36, closed)

Just reading this
actually made me grit my teeth in raw fury, so 'I like this' seems barely appropriate. But at least there was a happy ending...
(berk, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 14:37, closed)

The donkey felching shit smearing New Labour voters
That's the harshest insult I can summon...

Grr...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 16 Jul 2009, 14:39, closed)

I'll be honest
I was waiting to get spanged all the way through that... but there was no spang.

You get a click for not murdering anyone!

P.s. Is the world ready for another Spanky?
(Is this a good idea? ... Yes this is definitely a good idea, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 14:45, closed)

It's OK, all children rebel
so little spanky'll probably be a Mormon prude. Or something
( chthonic, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 17:54, closed)

Errrmmmm "I Like this"
Had similar story trying to get the last of my (at the time) recently dead mothers money out of her account a few years back...
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 14:54, closed)

Fury
There is nothing worse than being talked down to by a spikey-haired teenager in a shiny Top Man suit with a tie knot so big it'd look oversized on King Kong's neck.

Kill them all.

I'm glad the story had a happy ending though. May your many. many peversions contine for another generation.
( Scrumper, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 15:24, closed)

Did well not to seek the cunts out
and hurt them, seriously hurt them. ahhh, gotta love bank call centre staff (the supervisors are usually the worst) sexless freaks that they are. have a click.
(Lizard King, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 16:01, closed)

Lord help us!
Another Spanky! Have a sympathy click (for the story, not for having a mini Spanky). :-)
(Great Amy, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 16:08, closed)

Im with the same bank
they are really bloody awful. You did well not to threaten um. Have a click, tho I Like This is a bit wrong.
(Pastabator earned his brown wings with your girlfriend on, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 16:13, closed)

Fucking hell, matey
I've had difficulty when I've had my card cloned before, but I at least imagined that they might give a bit of fucking leeway when the situation is as urgent as yours was. Glad it all worked out OK buddy.

*click*
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 17:28, closed)

He. Said. WHAT?
He should have been fired on the spot for that, that's absolutely fucking disgraceful. And I hope he was. Out of a cannon.
( Maladicta, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 18:08, closed)

What shits..
Two things though - Cahoot are a really good bank in my many dealings with them, and as a many time chuckler at all your stories I'm really glad things are sorted now and hope you get a mini Spanky soon -I'm looking forward to all the nursery mothers group wanking tales that it will give you the opportunity to amass!
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 18:16, closed)

Don't get mad
Get even. This tale made my bile rise, so a few standard pointers to anyone who endures a similar experience from their bank:

* Most call centre operators are actually decent people earning a very low salary. Treat them with respect and kindness and you may be surprised how their attitude warms up.
* However, some are cunts, so...
* All banks record every detail of each phone call these days, including operator, duration, call notes etc. Level the playing field and take the same notes yourself. At the start of the call, and whenever you speak to a different person, get a name and if possible, the operator call-centre ID, just in case. Note down date and time too.
* If the operator treats you with anything less than respect (which will be unlikely after they have divulged their credentials), politely ask to speak to the call centre supervisor.
* Stay polite, never get angry. Calls are recorded, it will be used against you in a dispute.
* Ensure you get a definitive answer. "You will get a refund" is good, but "You will get a refund by the end of today" is better.
* Complain only through official channels, keep a record of every piece of correspondence. Do not waste your energy complaining to the operator.

Solidarity *click* Spanky... good luck with the baby making too.
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 6:09, closed)

rrrrrrrrrrrrrr
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRage.
(Scritty Bakerman., Fri 17 Jul 2009, 7:16, closed)

what a bunch
of utter fucking cunts, can't believe these people!

glad to hear that the op went well mate, have a free click on me!

*Click!*
(chopper_harris is giving you a reach-around on, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 19:47, closed)

Jesus buggering Christ
I have just lost what little faith I had in human nature.

*click*

Glad all is fixed now.
(WillI'mNot logs in twice a year, every year, Sun 19 Jul 2009, 1:34, closed)

Shatwest
Shower of cunts....one operator told me it's my own fault I have no money...when I said did he expect me to neverleave the house except for work, and just eat rice every day, he said 'yes, if that's all you can afford' Cockhead...I earn over twice as much as him too, the turd, bet he lives with his mum....
(Beklet is inexplicably angry, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 17:44, closed)