A day at the beach
Fuck yeah!
As children, there was nothing my brother and I liked more than splashing around in the freezing turd-strewn rip tides of the north sea. I fancied myself as something of a swimmer, even shaving my head so as to look more like smooth-pated man-dolphin Duncan Goodhew. I'd strut about the sands in my Bermuda shorts, proudly flaunting my fat nipples and chronic wheezing to the sexy ladies. I could tell they loved it by the way they laughed and pointed.

After one such day spent wallowing in the shallows, I returned home for a long bath. My pre-teen balls were suitably shrivelled from the cold, and as I lay in the hot water I began idly tugging at my walnutty scrotum to get it back to to that lovely, stretchy balloon-like consistency I knew and loved. Well, one thing led to another and before I knew it my mum was walking in on me having a wank.

So far, so predictable. But rather than accepting my situation and living with the shame, I tried to talk my way out of it. This led to the worst three days of my life – three days that left an indelible mark on my psyche.

Spluttering with embarrassment, I tried to tell my mum that I had, in fact, merely been inspecting my genitals for abnormalities. "Why?" she gasped, "Is something wrong?"
"I wouldn't know," I informed her haughtily. "You interrupted me mid-procedure."
"Well for goodness sake, let me have a look …"

Cue an impromptu testicle inspection. Fuck it, I thought. I can suffer the indignity of my mother preening my balls for imaginary tumours; after all, it's preferable to her thinking I'm a beastly little dough kneader. Then suddenly …

"Ouch!"

A little pain. Not massive, just a pinching sensation, like being flicked by a grumpy midget. "Ooh, that's funny," my mum said. "Your sack's a bit swollen here. Does it hurt?" I told her it did, a little. Attentive mother that she was/is, she drove us down to the GP.
The doctor carried out the same procedure as my mother, harumphed, frowned, and made a phone call. Then turned to us and said "I think this might be a testicular torsion. Basically, that's where the stem of the testicle twists round due to injury or an abnormal growth. I've booked you in at the hospital for this afternoon."

To a twelve-year old, this translates as follows:
"We're chopping your cock off and turning you into a gay."

I managed to put my brother on damage control before leaving – spread rumours, say I hurt my leg kicking a mugger in the face. The truth must not be told to anyone. If they find out that I'm going to hospital because I have freaky balls, I'll be ruined. The sexy ladies at the beach won't fancy me any more. No-one will ever teach me to moonwalk. I will be alone, forever.
He nodded obediently, and ran next door to tell them how his rock-hard little brother had broken every bone in his foot from beating a biker in a roundhousing competition.

Stoically, I set off for the hospital with my mum. More prodding, more poking, only this time by several people at once in a place that's basically like school, only you have to sleep there, you don't know anyone, and everyone's dying. "We'll keep you in for observation," a doctor said to us at last. "I should tell you, if it is a torsion, we'll need to take you in for surgery. It's ok to cry, by the way. Why, I've known grown men cry at the pain of having one of these."

Why did he feel the need to tell me that? Fuck it, I thought, I'm not going to cry. No matter how much pain this causes me, I'm not going to cry.

"Nurse, make sure he has no food for 12 hours."

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Three days and two nights I was in that bed. And for what? I'll tell you. After three days of fear, starvation, dread, humiliation, and general genital manipulation, they decided I was suffering from …

A sand-fly bite.

My brother told everyone I'd been castrated.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 15:09, 20 replies)

Torsion
my son had this. Woke up in the middle of the night screaming. Threw up with the pain. Rushed to hospital, operated on within an hour or so of arriving. Doctors said if you leave it too long you lose a bollock. So think yourself lucky it was just a sandfly/your mum poking your sack.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 15:16, closed)

I was told I could lose a ball.
Believe me, I consider myself very lucky.

However, ten years later I was still having to show both my balls to piss-taking sceptics.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 15:25, closed)

There is mum conversations
& dad conversations, this lies very much in the dad camp. Mum's over react when it comes to things like this.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 15:33, closed)

Well this is true
see the story about my son above. My first reaction was for him to taken a paracetomol and stop whining, but after he threw up I decided it was serious.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 15:53, closed)

That
Would have worked well here ;)
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 16:38, closed)

Final line makes this a winner.

(SimianKid internet faffer, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 16:23, closed)

^this^

(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 16:27, closed)

Are doctors really such twunts when it comes to testicles?
A few years ago one of my testicles hurt and, being a techie, I looked it up on the internet.
For torsion it seemed to be a simple, painful, procedure that may result in more pain or other problems.
For suspected cancer, apparently, someone will squeeze your testicles all over and, if they find someting that seems abnormal, they'll possibly try ultrasound then remove the testicle. If it's found to ne cancerous and malignant they'll take out the other one too, then give you chemo/radio-therapy.
It's no wonder guys don't get their testicles checked or report problems. I know I'll not -- a shorter, more painful, life with the chance of a few shags amd/or kids is a lot more appealing than being a eunoch.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 18:01, closed)

This is hilarious
and you get no sympathy cos I'm a girl on the internets!!!!!

Clicky.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 19:22, closed)

I elbowed a friend in the vagina once, by accident
Judging by her reaction I'd say they're not a far cry from a pair of knackers.

And if you're wondering "How the fuck do you accidentally elbow someone in the vagina?", the answer is something to do with surprise headlocks and erratic flailing.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 19:41, closed)

To be honest
I actually did wince in pain a little.

And I know how you feel. I've kicked men in the balls in honest to God accidents before. Maybe we ought to suggest accidentally hurting friends in embarrassing ways for next week's QOTW?
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 20:26, closed)

I like this idea.

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 18 Feb 2011, 8:58, closed)

This gives me a great idea
For a sci fi film - 'The Tortionator', about a robot who ccomes back from the future to twist men's bollocks, for a laugh.
(electricteeth, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 20:05, closed)

I like the idea.
Especially because it's "for a laugh".
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Fri 18 Feb 2011, 0:22, closed)

Apparently the most common cause of a torsion is something called a "bell clapper deformity," which sounds like a Robert Ludlum novel.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 18 Feb 2011, 10:27, closed)

"We're chopping your cock off and turning you into a gay."
damned if i am going to forget that line for a few days
have a click
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 23:03, closed)

^ this ^
my keyboard is now covered in coffee.
(skintagain, Fri 18 Feb 2011, 13:47, closed)

"like being flicked by a grumpy midget"
had me giggling for quite some time
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 18 Feb 2011, 0:00, closed)

"a place that's basically like school, only you have to sleep there, you don't know anyone, and everyone's dying."
*click*
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Fri 18 Feb 2011, 12:09, closed)

^This^

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 18 Feb 2011, 12:30, closed)