How I ruined a perfectly good threesome
Once upon a not-too-long time ago, I attended a party. It was ostensibly a picnic, which entailed eating a few Doritos and filling up on Bloody Marys. While outside, of course. That's how it was a picnic, not a piss-up.

Later, as the evening grew colder, we withdrew indoors and switched from Bloody Marys to red wine. My stomach clamoured for food. My stomach wept at the sheer quantities of alcohol. I ignored its cries, for I was perched on the sofa with two good friends of mine, and the snogging and stroking gave fairly blatant clues that a threesome was on the cards.

He was bookish and sweet and a thoroughly brilliant lay. She was crazy-awesome-intense and I suspected she would be a thoroughly brilliant lay.

Sending the rest of the party out for a game of midnight cricket, my sexual comrades and I found our moment.

"Queen of Cheesecake," wailed my stomach, plaintively, like a distraught five year old, "please feed me. I don't feel very well."

"Not now, I'm busy," I replied, taking off my clothes and getting stuck into some rather enthusiastic cunnilingus.

We fucked, the three of us. Dimly through the fug of bodies, we heard the cricketers come in, buoyed by their sixes and LBWs and inpentrable slang.

We continued fucking.

Occasionally, like a five year old on a long car journey, my stomach complained. I ignored it.

Suddenly, I broke out in a sweat, and my guts turned from whining toddler to a vengeful deity of old. I struggled to hold myself together, tapping out from the fucking to assume a more spectatorial position. My stomach cackled. I breathed slowly until the vicious cramping subsided.

"Can you grab us a condom?" one of my threesome friends asked.

I was feeling slightly better. I stood to cross the room.

Bad idea. Bad, bad idea.

The sudden shift in position caused my angry digestive system to seek its bloody revenge. Suddenly, two bottles of red wine and a river of Bloody Mary decided to eject itself forcibly.

I searched desperately for something to cover myself with, cheeks bulging with red liquid sick. I could not let the cricketers see me in such a state of indignity.

One of my sexual comrades handed me a dressing gown. Red liquid sick dribbled sadly down my chin. I dashed to the bathroom to clean myself up and resume the hot fucking.

I cannot stress enough how awesome the fucking had been until that point.

I vomited copiously. I swear I could hear my stomach chuckle.

"Fuck you, Queen of Cheesecake," it said. "That's the last time you'll ignore me."

I returned, feeling heaps better. My stomach had made its point. We reconciled, an uneasy peace, but peace nonetheless.

"Why's everyone dressed?" I asked.

My sexual comrades shook their heads sadly.

"Come on, take it off again?"

My sexual comrades shook their heads sadly.

We marched back to the party. Nobody spoke of the threesome I had ruined. It didn't seem polite.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 20:25, 28 replies)

Needs more line breaks.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 21:12, closed)

it looks ok
But then I'm reading it on my phone
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 21:56, closed)

Good to know.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 22:41, closed)

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 23:05, closed)

I'm not gay
but my boyfriend is.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 1:08, closed)

I heard you turned him straight.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:06, closed)

pfft

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 14:31, closed)

http://www.b3ta.com/questions/bedroomdisasters/post1257228

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 9:47, closed)

I may have asked this before, but are you foreign?
Because your grasp of English is fucking dreadful.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:47, closed)

And I state again.
FUCK A DOODLE DOO Dr.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:20, closed)

Is that an admission or an explanation?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 12:10, closed)

I get the feeling that this is probably true,
but will get dumped in the fail archive, anyway.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 22:28, closed)

I lack strong opinions on this matter
but I don't really understand why the other two packed it in just because she puked for a bit. That hardly sounds like the behaviour of sexual adventurers. More like squeamish teenagers.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 23:03, closed)

Here is an image for you.

Maybe they were just being polite?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:16, closed)

Maybe you should go to an actual sex chat website rather than scrabbling at your unenviable dickstump on here?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:45, closed)

Well, we may not have heard of you awesome threesome had it not gone wrong.
It also reminded me of the threesome I turned down...in that it was a threesome and no other connection to your story.

I was 21 and seeing a 16 year old. Which writing it now seems very wrong. Anyway, this girl had a friend of a similar age who, when around, made the age difference more obvious.

And it was for this reason that I turned down the offer of a threesome, and not because this friend had an underdeveloped arm/hand. Absolutely not.

Come on, at least I didn't try to fuck my mum.
( Holly Would long wheel based tranny, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 22:37, closed)

Dude.
With an underdeveloped hand you could have pretended your penis was a normal size.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 23:02, closed)

Are you sure that her hand wasn't just far away?

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 27 Jun 2011, 23:23, closed)

HA!
A classic that endures.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 1:36, closed)

I think you deserve heaps of win for this, no matter what the usual fail retards think.
It's well-written, it strikes a chord with anyone who's ever drunk too much at a party, and the touching pleas to resume the threesome after your partners in sexytime were copiously showered with acidic red vomit are particularly excellent.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 23:10, closed)

Yeah
They are all nasty bullies and virgins.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 9:52, closed)

I like this.
I had an offer once (ah, when I was young), but it was never going to happen. The one girl was indeed very attractive but the other.... Dear God, she looked liked she been chopping wood with her face.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 10:57, closed)

Maggie Thatcher latex mask. Job's a good'n.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 11:02, closed)

It's an option
I'll shelve that one for the future :)
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 12:10, closed)

Or Reagan and Chernenko masks for that Two Tribes vibe.
Hot damn. Back in a mo ...
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 12:21, closed)

Ooo, you are awful.

(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 16:36, closed)

That's nothing, I ruined a foursome

When I was 16 me and a mate had an offer of a foursome from an overweight guy in his 50’s and very stocky 25 year old bloke covered in prison tattoos. The fact we were ‘trapped’ in the back of a camper van with them between us and the door was a little worrying. Fair play though, they allowed us to make make our excuses and leave.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 28 Jun 2011, 12:42, closed)

I thought this sounded familiar.

Midnight Cricket was a bit of a letdown, for the record. Shortly after my innings began I steamed ahead in the scoreboards only to have my victory cut short by protestations of the surrounding neighbourhood.

Which, as I'm sure you guessed - just isn't cricket.
(HybridHalo I've got 99 problems but 8-bit ain't one, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 18:02, closed)