Best AND worst thing I ever ate
...was my boss.

He was hired from outside the Council to a senior role in our HR department. Came with an impressive c.v. had worked as a consultant on some major civil service change programmes etc. He was mid-thirties, same as I was and fairly good looking.

I was at a low point in my life at that time. A year after our divorce, eldest kid now at 'big school', the other two still juniors and I'd just heard that my ex was going to get married to some early twenties bimbo.

I'd wanted to go for the job that this new guy got, but had failed to even get an interview, which I thought was bang out of order.

Anyway, I bit back my bile and tried to get on with this new guy. I won't name him as I don't want to get into trouble (again), but let's call him Tozzer. As in most places, the HR department was largely made up of women and Tozzer wasted no time in trying to charm us.

He brought in cakes on his first Friday, and then made it a regular thing - nothing special, bags of doughnuts from Tesco etc. but you'd be surprised how far a jammy doughnut goes with a roomful of women.

Anyway, after a month or so, he suggested we all go on an awayday - it was November and he said we could do planning for the next year, have a bit of a laugh, get to know each other better. We had plenty of notice so that we could arrange childcare etc.

We ended up going to the 'Quality Hotel', St Albans - far away enough to make it worthwhile staying over. Long story short, we all got a bit pissed over dinner - it's not often we got fed on the council - and then he set up a tab at the bar afterwards. Being a single mum, I had no head whatsoever for drink, and after a bottle of red or so plus a couple of rum and cokes after, I was more than a little tipsy.

I can't remember the exact sequence of events, but he ended up helping me back to my room and came in 'to make sure I'd be alright'. I'm not proud of what happened next, especially as I knew he was married with a couple of little kids, but somehow we were snogging against the back of the door and his hands were all over me. It had been probably more than two years since I'd had any sex at all, and a few years more since the last time I'd had raunchy sex.

With my clothes rucked up all over the place I sank to my knees and gave him what I know for a fact to be a nine and a half out of ten blow-job. Unfortunately, my head was spinning badly by the point of no return, but as I tried to pull back he grabbed my head and thrust even deeper down my throat. As he came, I puked up over him and he ended up with a mix of spunk and puke all over his suit trousers and boxers which were still round his ankles.

He pushed me away from him and my head cracked against the door of the room. A bit stunned I collapsed in an undignified heap as he waddled into the bathroom to clean the crap of his kecks.

I pulled myself into the room and onto the bed, wiped my mouth and hid under the covers until I heard him disappear to his own room. Then I had a cool shower and drank as much water as I could. I didn't get much sleep, what with a massive headache, massive shame and huge worry about the next day.

He knocked at my door at about six thirty and I let him in.

"Right, I want you to find yourself a new job. I'll give you a really good reference, but I can't have you around. You're a total liability."

I was gob-smacked, can't remember what I said, but probably nodded. It was only later that I thought about what had happened, whose fault it was, and what a fair result might be.

I won't bore you with the details but not only did I have ten years experience of HR, but I had a LOT of good friends in the department. Tozzer didn't last long, and he was told emphatically that if he tried to for unfair dismissal, he could expect ALL of the details of that night in St Albans to become known not only to the council, but the UK HR community, and also to the local press and anyone else who cared to ask.

I'd made it clear that I had nothing to lose and my conscience was clear. So I kept my job and my friends and from that time, I never looked back. I was strong, I was woman, I was invincible.

So, no regrets about eating him, although it made me puke at the time. I still don't know what he did with his trousers...
(K.W.A. Knickers With Attitude, Tue 31 May 2011, 17:10, 38 replies)

And people wonder why those who work in Personnel (H.R. is for the Americans) have a bad reputation.
You blackmailed someone so that you could keep your own job.

Bravo.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Tue 31 May 2011, 17:49, closed)

the boss was hardly blame free here

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 31 May 2011, 18:08, closed)

Quite so. The man sounds like an utter pig.
But of all the options available, the one resorted to was blackmail. Hardly very clever, really, but completely characteristic of a Personnel officer.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Tue 31 May 2011, 21:43, closed)

I would love to agree*.
But from the story given the guy was threatening to fire her first, for the crime of puking when he shoved his cock down her drunken throat.
They were both pissed and they both should have known better -- but if the story is true (which we have no reason to doubt) he was in the position of power and couldn't cope with it.
Edit, TL;DR**: Attempting to fire someone for giving you a blowjob makes you a piece of shit.

*because I'm jealous I spent years without haveing oral sex performed on me.
**Too Lazy Didn't Learntoread***
***if you're too ignorant to read you're too ignorant to take seriously.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 31 May 2011, 18:46, closed)

WTF's an 'away day' meant to be?
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-13585010
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Tue 31 May 2011, 18:22, closed)

An excuse for the OP to post an 'I'm a woman talking about sex, click me sweaties' tale.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 31 May 2011, 18:44, closed)

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 31 May 2011, 18:39, closed)

Yeah but
someone took the picture too!
(K.W.A. Knickers With Attitude, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 11:47, closed)

LINE BREAK!

( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Tue 31 May 2011, 18:41, closed)

tl;dr
So, do you have breasts?
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 31 May 2011, 18:44, closed)

HOT DAMN, HERE'S JMG!

( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 31 May 2011, 18:44, closed)

I'm told that if you click this post, she'll send you bumhole pictures.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 31 May 2011, 18:47, closed)

How the hell is that his 'fault' any more than yours?
It's quite disgusting that some bird who's gagging for it gets her boss sacked for doing her a favour... when there are people who are being sexually harassed in the workplace all over the world.

Well done for fucking up Women's Rights.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 31 May 2011, 18:56, closed)

I'd like to see 90nz0 host his own chat show.

( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 31 May 2011, 19:00, closed)

I'm a big fan of Gonzo.
Long may he stand slightly too close to girls.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 31 May 2011, 19:03, closed)

It's a genuine crime that he isn't a Mod.
This place has gone to the dogs when it could have gone to the gods.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 31 May 2011, 19:42, closed)

so you got a bloke fired because you sucked his cock and ruined his suit?
woo, yeah, women's lib
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 31 May 2011, 19:03, closed)

She also, probably, ruined his marriage
Nice work.
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Tue 31 May 2011, 19:19, closed)

It's times like this that I honestly wish we didn't have the vote

( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Tue 31 May 2011, 19:18, closed)

Your blowjobs are barely a three.
And two of those are bonus points for being able to tell the puke story down the pub.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 31 May 2011, 19:41, closed)

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 31 May 2011, 20:30, closed)

They should make this picture the background of qotw.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 31 May 2011, 20:36, closed)

You've been looking @ Adoks post haven't you?

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 31 May 2011, 22:30, closed)

ya i smoked 2 much # @ a friends bday & now my : hurts
lol
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 31 May 2011, 23:24, closed)

I love this gif

(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 12:15, closed)

and this just seemed the perfect place to share this heartwarming tale of
getting pissed on a local authority tab and throwing up on your bosses cock? after the subsequent employment related trauma, and the fact that he had pretty good grounds for your dismissal, your self-esteem is still low enough to persuade you that anyone would find this funny?

blimey. I think I would have got to him first, explained how mortified you were and hoped the whole thing could be put behind you . mind you, I genuinely don't think I'd have got so cunted that I sucked off a middle manager in a quality hotel bathroom in st. albans. we're all different though, eh?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 31 May 2011, 22:07, closed)

What about a travelodge?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 31 May 2011, 22:30, closed)

They're fine...
...classy like...
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Tue 31 May 2011, 22:35, closed)

Quick rule of thumb.
If the name has "quality" in it, the product doesn't.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 0:01, closed)

Hang on a tick.
I mostly agree, but why did he have good grounds for her dismissal? They were both equally involved - if she'd sexually assaulted him then yes, that's good grounds, but a couple of pissed-up colleagues having a messy fumble isn't a reason for firing her.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 12:19, closed)

It's because it's an attention seeking lie from a needy old trout who sees that posting poorly written soft-porn in masquerading as a 'true story'..
..is an easy way of gaining attention and validation, thus briefly raising her poor self-esteem.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 19:17, closed)

Holy fuck, I've just looked at the stories on your profile...
You really are an attention seeking beaker aren't you? I mean are you really that desperate for random internets to believe you have a sex life? (And a sex life not involving the loving embrace of a root vegetable and the warm afterglow of a healthy amount of self loathing?)
No wonder you're single. Probably let yourself go a bit and are now the merest hint of male attention has you flicking yourself raw until you wake up sobbing, spilled glass of Blossom Hill at you side.
Your blow jobs are probably shit too.
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Tue 31 May 2011, 22:34, closed)

Ha ha ha!
I've never seen such a huge pack of white men so in need of a blow-job.

And apologies. Should have added the ubiquitous *may not be 100% fact.

There, happy now boys?
(K.W.A. Knickers With Attitude, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 11:46, closed)

Fucking hell. Another fucking virgin.
Is anybody on qotw old enough to vote?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 11:59, closed)

I think most men, white or not, are usually in need of a blow job, to be fair.

( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 14:14, closed)

No, thank you.
I prefer blow-jobs from women who have mastered their gag reflexes.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 19:11, closed)

I Was
going to come in here and White Knight, mainly because kicking the /talk anthill and watching them scurry can be entertaining. Also because I assumed the story was true and a bloke trying to sack you after you gave him a blowjob seemed quite nasty. You turning the tables and getting him to leave seemed like justice as far as I was concerned.

Then I read a few of your other post in your profile. It was like reading a really bad soft porn mag.

So, much as it pains me to say it, /talk were right and I was wrong.

Sucks to be me today.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 12:18, closed)

We still love you.
Cheers.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 12:52, closed)