Not me but made up
I was a hard-bitten cop with a history of shooting suspects. She was a bisexual writer who wrote about the murders she committed. She wore no underwear and smoked, often at the same time. In police stations. Anyway, my ex and she turned out, implausibly, to have been lezza lovers at college and I shot the ex 'cause I thought she was the killer. Then I married Catherine Zeta Jones and got jowelly. Kathleen Turner was hotter.
(frankspencer, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:39, Reply)

Greedy
I've dated tall and athletic girls, short and buxom girls and every combination thereof.

Some are great petite some are great curvy and I judge very much on the whole package. I can honestly say I've never thought "I wish she had bigger tits" when looking back at someone I've dated.

I'm not a great fan of lassies who've had their chests inflated with bags of silicone, the end result is kinda grotestque as far as I'm concerned.

I'd rather not feel like I'm drowning in flesh either...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:34, Reply)

i've got some brains (i'm a lawyer so not that many i'm afraid) and DD cup boobs, and i'm quite normal and i'm very single.

am i not being weird enough?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:32, Reply)

Just one date...
She was a friend of a friend. She'd seen me somewhere and asked my friend for my number. I'd never met her so it was something of a blind date for me. Top looking girl, 18 years old, well out of my league in all honesty, but I wasn't going to complain.

It did make me quite nervous though.

As the evening progressed, this was not helped by the fact that her first-date lines included:

"My ex was a porn star. He asked me to do it too, but I think sex should be about love, don't you? Anyway, at least he taught me everything I know."

"... and then I saw a huge black spider and that's when I knew the devil was in the room with me."

As I say, she was a stunner, and I was willing to give her a chance as she seemed quite normal apart from the occasional disturbing outburst, but my attack of nervousness didn't stimulate her, and we never went out again. If she's reading this, er, sorry...
(Richard of York gained battles in vain, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:30, Reply)

angelica666
so, you're not blessed with big tits then? and have you been carrying out a b3ta user cock-size survey?

btw I agree with you! Tits are ace, but when you really like someone size isn't important.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:27, Reply)

PJM
You're right, but that gives me an idea...

Maybe with the collective experiences of B3ta memebrs we could plot some kind of graph of Cup size against sanity. Who knows, it could completely reverse the apparent trend of men always going for large chested women!
( greedyostrich Cheese is evil! Cheddar is VOODOO!, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:24, Reply)

Breasts...
Well, those of us here who seem to be settling for a choice of long term partner based on the contents of their cups as opposed to the contents of their brains are asking for trouble... And missing the point a tad?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:18, Reply)

angelica666
Surely preferring girls with larger/smaller breasts is no worse than you preferring shorter/taller men? Personally i don't really have a preferance, but i think the point needed to be made.

If it makes you feel any better you did jsut steal my b3ta virginity.

I'd make a penis joke here, but maybe breasts would be more fitting?
(.)(.)
( greedyostrich Cheese is evil! Cheddar is VOODOO!, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:11, Reply)

as the great Al Bundy said:
"Hoters, hooters, yum yum yum. Hooters, hooters on a girl that's dumb"

One of the great minds of our time.
(Handel blah blah blah, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:06, Reply)

Reverend Fister
Oh the wit. I'm fairly bowled over. But I guess you're right and we can apply your philosophy to everything. That's why i wouldn't go out with anyone with a small cock - pretty much wipes out most of the writers on here then :-D
(angelica666, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:04, Reply)

Angelica
But surely there's no point in going out with a crazy girl with small tits?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 22 Nov 2006, 15:59, Reply)

Rant.....
"She was great, she had big tits" blah blah "she was ugly but had big tits" blah blah. Well the biggest tits I'm seeing are the ones writing that kind of crap!!

rant over
(angelica666, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 15:49, Reply)

Blonde.
More bonkers than beautiful i'm afraid, perpetually dim and guillible. Unfortunatley i decided it would be a good idea to go out with said girl.

One time when watching football with my friends, someone scored and she shrieked "He's done it!", then action replay comes on and she blurts out "Oh my god!, he's done it again!".

She also believed fairys lived in the long grass at the bottom of her garden, we were 16 at the time...
(insanegl0ss saw the grass on the pitch..., Wed 22 Nov 2006, 15:42, Reply)

Hmmm. Slightly off-topic, but...
Inspired by this article and the coincidence that threw up this week's QOTW, I decided it was in the interests of all concerned to put together Garnett's "Molest-me-next-Miss" top three US disgraced teachers:

So, in reverse order, we have:

3) Carrie McCandless - charged with with having had sexual contact with a 17 year old male student during an overnight school camping trip.

2) Pamela Rogers Turner - Former model and beauty-pageant contestant charged with 15 counts of sexual battery and 13 counts of statutory rape. She got in additional trouble in April 2006 for sending text messages, nude photos, and sex videos of herself to the same boy while using her father's cellphone.

1) Amy Mcelhenny (and here) - a 25-year-old Hebron High School Spanish teacher and former Miss Texas contestant charged with having a sexual relationship with an 18-year-old male student. (Oooo, the scandal!)

(Special Mention: Amber Jennings - charged with disseminating harmful materials to a minor. She reportedly admitted e-mailing naked photos of herself to a former student).
(Garnett, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 14:31, Reply)

Just now
Have had more that my fair share of loons, mainly cos they're more interesting than the stay-at-home types, and just an hour ago been dumped by the most recent Kate Bush looking (70's not now) nutter.

This was due to the fact that I didn't lend her more money (£1200 and rising) to fund her ever expanding coke habit. Amazing that when she is on it she talks to every homeless idiot with a penny whistle, and insists we put them up for the night, as all they need is a leg up and why don't I think of someone else for a change, and propositions my neighbour for a 3some nearly every week. Classy.

Oh well, will have to pop to the bin for the next one. First post, woohoo. no apologies, EVER!
(juliangh Frank Milan loves you all!, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 14:31, Reply)

Some Homer for you all (especially for Darth)
I detest that man who hides one thing in the depths of his heart, and speaks for another.

Anywho...A companion's words of persuasion are effective.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 13:56, Reply)

Apeloverage
Don't get all technical on me.
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 13:49, Reply)

pfft

Anyhoo is only beautiful when Homer says it. I hope to god none of you actually say it out loud.
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 13:41, Reply)

Insane behaviour
The common theme here is self esteem issues. If you're with someone who has self esteem issues then they'll try and resolve them one of two ways, either by confronting their issues head on and dealing with them or by trying to exert control of the relationship.

Those folks who acknowledge their insecurity and try and work on it should be given all the support and encouragement they need and should not be tarred with the same brush as those who live in denial, refusing to acknowledge how damaged they are and in the end damaging their nearest and dearest too.

This is why I choose to post about ex-mrs PJM here but am slightly more discerning about other ladies I've been involved with who are trying to deal with their shit.

Right, I'm off my soapbox now
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 22 Nov 2006, 13:09, Reply)

Beautiful and bonkers
Anywho is a beautiful word.

Anyone who dislikes it is bonkers.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 13:02, Reply)

So my insane very ex.
What a nutcase. Not too pretty though. Had a face like he has just finished chewing on his nasty looking feet.

Anyway in the first six months I REALLY had trouble getting a word in edgeways. I took an active interest in both of his main hobbies. You know made a real and honest effort.

The cracks began to form.

I went for a wonder to the shops on my day off, one of his friends saw me and gave me a lift home. Being a woman I had a lot of bags. Bonkers man insists that I have had an illicit afternoon of sex with his friend. OOOhh KAAAAAYYYYY!

Over the next year or so, in his twisted little mind I have had affairs with the store manager where I work, nasty smelly early morning manager, gay man at work, his brother (WTF?) and his brother in law (who had cracked on to what was going on). Various accusations ensue, hour long shouty events happen. Bonkers man insists that I "prove" to him that I'm not having an affair by sleeping with him. Yikes!

His paranoia increases.

So happy that I no longer have any male friends and the bedroom stuff has basically stopped. Bonkers man insists that I MUST be a lesbian. Hmm let me think, erm no I'm not. But seeing as in his mind I am, I am free to "explore" that part of my personality in our house. With my best friend, who also isn't a lesbian.

So I try to leave him. He threatens that if I do, he will come and scream at me at work and take out an ad in the local newspaper so that everyone in Portsmouth with know what I am like.

By this time, I have no friends, I used to wake in the night for a secret cry, he used to look through my dirty underwear in the laundry basket "for evidence", watching soaps was bad for my mind, I had tried to do a few classes to move up the career ladder and he couldn't have been more unsupportive.

After he had forced me to have sex with him, he used to remind me that because we were married it was his right as my husband.

Just to make sure that I wasn't in a fit state to leave him or have an affair he used to tell me regurlarly that no other man would want me because I am too fat and stupid.

When I finally managed to get the hell out of there (took me the best part of a year!), on the guise that I was going stay with my Mum for a couple of days, he used to phone my Mum up and hastle my sister online and to convince them to help him get me back. And somehow he managed to find my fave chat spot and get my most secret email off one of the people there, that they didn't have to start off with.

Once when I was stupid enough to talk to him on the phone we had this conversation.
Bonkers man :"why won't you come back to me?"
Me "Because you don't trust me"
Bonkers man: "Yes I do."

After he served divorce papers on me, he changed the locks, so I basically walked out of there with whatever he thought fit that I should have of my stuff. He donated a lot of my stuff to I don't know where.

Then he moved to Australia to be with the "love of his life". I know this because he kept tabs on me for ages afterwards and sent me a letter to my work letting me know that he was ok, and that I should "get help".

So, the world is indeed a big enough place for me never to see Bonkers man again. He gets the Southern Hemisphere and Portsmouth, and I get the rest of the world.

This tale has a little postscript, that I would like to share with whoever has read this far down:- Just as soon as I had managed to leave I started boinking for Britain just to see if I could. Indeed I wasn't too fat, I wasn't too stupid and I wasn't such a bad lay after all.

Still Bonkers man will die far far far before I pass on from this mortal coil.

To end this, I would like to say a public thanks to the people who helped me through that nasty time, and the people who stayed on my side and most of all the hot sex with no strings men (apart from that man who wanted to help me with shaving, that's a bit messed up)
(lympicita_ie, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 12:54, Reply)

surely anyone who looks like a tranny

looks like a bad tranny, because if you were a good tranny you'd look like a woman...
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 12:45, Reply)

Shitrape
This one isn't about my wife (who is beautiful and bonkers) but about her friend. This girl is not beautiful for sure--a hideous rash covers most of her body. But everyone was pretty sure this girl was bonkers because she'd married and divorced one of Korea's most eligible bachelors.

She'd met her husband online (warning bells for you but not over here) and he was perfect: handsome, successful, a very competent prosecutor, and most importantly from a rich family. They hit it off and he was the perfect gentleman, meaning they waited until marriage before humping (warning bells you say? Not in this country).

So the wedding came, and it was perfect. He took her on a dream vacation to a resort in the Philippines. And what did she do? She left him there, on the first night, no explanation given. Her (ex-)mother-in-law would call her all the time and say "Are you crazy? You can't leave my son! Don't you know how rich he is? Whatever he wants from you, you must give it to him!"

Years pass. One night, my wife met her at the bar and they drank a lot, and this girl said what really happened on their wedding night.

They reached the wedding suite, and the groom went into the toilet. Meanwhile, the bride prepared for her first time. She undressed and got into bed. Then the bathroom door opened, and the husband said "I'm ready, come in here."

Oh, the shower--how erotic, she thought. Walking in, she noticed the toilet was totally clogged with her new husband's shit. That's not normal.

The next part messed her up for life. Her husband scooped out a handful of shit and started rubbing it on her. She tried to resist and screamed, but he held her up against the wall. He proceeded to rub shit all over her, and continued doing this until finally it brought him to orgasm.

She left him immediately, but the shit had damaged her skin, leaving her with a rash all over her body. For years she was too humiliated to tell her story.

Now that I know, I want to use this guy as a trampoline. The main problem: he's a prosecutor.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 12:43, Reply)

Quite connected
'Lady'McCartney, speaking of nutcases....is it me or does the recent photo of her in the news show she is starting look like a bad tranny?
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 12:27, Reply)

Crazy Cow
I not long ago went out with this girl who was crazy as fuck. I mean, she seemed great to start with but then turned all paranoid and psycho constantly. Me allowed friends, forget it! Allowed to talk to people, forget it! She was blatantly nasty to a lot of people or snide to them to their faces, making taking her out places quite embarrassing at times. Apparently I was constantly going to cheat on her and whatnot (although I never have before and still haven't ever done so) yet it was infact her who cheated on me twice in the course of a 4/5 month relationship. And listen to reason - never. Once she'd made her mind up about anything, as stupid or bizarre as her thoughts may be, it must be gospel and the world must conduct itself in a manner befitting these thoughts. She seemed to actually want to have no friends. Liked to wind me up by telling me how she liked this other guy and would then constantly see him, infact sometimes more than me. Why I put up with it at all I will never know. I was always moaning about her to my friends (poor sods) and always telling them I didn't want to be with her... but when it came round to it, I don't know where my resolve went. She used to pull some spectacular mardies and go storming off and screaming and crying her eyes out(nobody loves me, blah blah blah). I remember being stuck in a city centre at 4am after almost 2 hours of said screaming and crying in the street(I learnt to not let it bother me). Other times we went to a friend of mine's wedding, she got drunk, flirted with a few guests, then threw a mardy when friends of mine (between the ages of 25-60) were telling her she wasn't being very pleasant or respectful and promptly threw a chair across the room at me before trying to run off into the night screaming. Was also amusing that evening at the hotel too...she'd carried on screaming at me for the entirity of the night and crying still. Decided she wouldn't let me sleep on the floor or in a chair (I wasn't in the mood to sleep anywhere near her) and continued to shout and scream in my face until i slept with her. Thank fuck THATS over!


So nice to moan about it :D



*normal phallic joke goes here*
( MadAdamUk was last alive on, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 10:46, Reply)

Keep it in the family
One about a bloke for a change. Although it does involve a bonkers (well, borderline incestuous) woman too.

I embarked upon a tumultous and passionate relationship with D back when I was in college. Despite the best efforts of his extremely possessive family to split us up - including moving 200 miles away - we stuck together after we both left college. Said family were really the only fly in the ointment at that stage - but a fairly big one.

He had a twin sister. We'll call her Julie. Julie would continuously bemoan the fact she couldn't find anyone as attractive and wonderful as her brother. She'd smack his arse and call him sexy, and kiss him rather too lingeringly on the mouth. Sometimes, I'd spot her hand creeping up his inner thigh in the pub. Julie maintained a veneer of sweetness with me, but I was aware she really couldn't stand me.

Whilst such behaviour generated many an ucky shudder, I was blinded by love/ lust and reconciled myself to the fact they were a very tactile family. So, it was despite this, and the fact D could be slightly possessive (we had a few rows about the fact I worked with all men), we married 18 months later.

Julie wore black to the wedding.

Things quickly went tits up, as I realised D was as dysfunctional as the rest of his family. Some examples:

1. He was horrendously vain and I would catch himself staring in the mirror and saying "you're so gorgeous". However, if I tried to put make up on, he would deride me for looking slutty and trying to attract other men.

2. He ran up enormous phone bills fwapping to 0898 numbers whilst I was at work. These appeared on our itemised bill, interspersed with calls to his sister. Our phone was next to the front door, and many a time I would trip on his joyously discarded skiddy undercrackers when I came home from work.

3. Despite his insistence on working at his pissy job in Blockbuster Video till 4am in the morning (doing his "new release wall", allegedly) and various nights out with the boys, he was angry if I had any social life of my own.

4. He wanked off his cat the night before it got spayed ("It's the sort of thing a friend would do!").

5. Regardless of the fact I had a perfectly good job of my own, he told me he expected me to give it up and follow him wherever his career took him, like his mother had with his father. Missing the tiny detail that his father was a senior ranking officer in the Navy, whereas D had a pissy job in Blockbuster Video.

The final straw came when we went to stay with his family 8 months after we married. I had just undressed for bed when his father walked in without knocking, gave me a FAR too lingering kiss and groped me up ("You're my daughter now"). D didn't turn a hair.

I made it my business after that to commit adultery at the earliest possible opportunity and left him only weeks later.

He's onto his third divorce now, at the age of 33. I can't imagine why.

Length? Well, he had to have SOMETHING going for him.
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 10:35, Reply)

Follow up....
So after ASKING for it again, this time permission is granted.

Cue fumbling in the dark.

Gets to my bit of fun and she's pushing me off like I've done it without her say so.

Reason for this - the rubber goods 'might have split and you wouldn't tell me if it had'.

Ladies.....you'd kind of know if it had split wouldn't you? A little more moisture I'm thinking but more importantly - how long had she been thinking about that, and when(!?). It's nice to know that she expects me to keep it to myself.

Not a nutter? Restore my faith....

Length? Girth? Keeping it to myself....
(Danny Fishcharge Half arsed, smart arsed, on & off a lard arse sinc, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 10:33, Reply)