Now known as "Psycho Bitch from Hell"
In a bid to try and drag this out of the quagmire of size related conversation... I shall chat about the complete nutter I ended up being mind-raped by.

To cut a long story short, because it went on for months, it's dull and I've forgotten lots and lots of it (ah... selective memory... mmm the subconscious is a wonderful self regulating (when working) tool) - I lived on a corridor with many other peeps in my first year of Uni. I was one of a few people who was left after all the popular guys and dolls had split into groups of smiley sexy people.
I ended up living with 2 ladies (I'm male, by the way). Not bad you might think. Well one was a bit of a munter, but one was a fox. Really. Ok she had a bit of extra weight and was tough (naturally stacked) but she had the most delicious curves and great pointy bits.
The only problem was she was in a very long term relationship, and the kind of girl who gets married asap.
Could have had something to do with her being Christian. They do those sorts of things.
I shall list a few interesting details, things that she'd told people had happened to her (why would you question them at the time... ?)
* Her brother had mental problems and had many many times tried to kill himself. She’d once resuscitated him after an overdose. He had also written things from the Devil when passed out.
* He regularly used to make attempts to break into her room and stab her. Hence the knife marks in her bedroom door at home and the Yale lock.
* He had accused their father of touching him and she had to give counter evidence in court.
* Her mother had miscarried all over the bathroom when she was 11 after telling her and her brother she wasn't pregnant, hence why she *CANT* bear lies or lying.
* Her mother never appreciated her and was always putting her down.
* The shower in halls was so hot one day that she passed out and hit her head, since which time she's had major headaches and some sort of blood clot in her brain. Almost death many times. And yet she’d never had any hair cut or shaved when she’d been in hospital.
* Her immune system isn't 'normal'. She has adrenalin pens in case she's goes into anaphylactic shock. She once got a blister from a new shoe, which turned into septicemia and if she hadn't have got to the doctors when she did... she would have been dead within a couple of days.
* Coupled to having no resistance against disease, her digestive system didn't work. She rarely ate anything but beans. And she could never fart. Or burp. Or shit properly.
* Through all this, she was a highly commended student.
* She could play God knows how many instruments.
* She'd written an Opera or Symphony or something that had been played in Austrailia.
* She was writing a novel about all the horrible things that had happened in her life. She already had a publisher who were just waiting for her to finish.
* She wrote regular articles for a certain Educational Supplement.
* She was a Christian, but one of those strange ones that does things on a Saturday.
* Even though she was gorgeous, she didn't think so. Often men would come onto her, but she didn't encourage them or flirt. It just happened. And girls would get very jealous. Many a time, men would sit next to her on the bus and try to kiss her for no reason.

Taking all those things together it's pretty clear what we're dealing with.

But I fell head over heals biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig time after being round her almost constantly in our house for many months.

After being off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off for ages until she dumped her long term bloke and after (I kid you not, it must have been hot and cold about 100 times), she dumped me for no particular reason.
Let me explain that this was after I'd been the first to take her to bed. Stupid feckin' twat that I am didn't have a certain handy little gadget with me but we couldn't wait. Yes I know now...
Not only did my seed cause her illness because her "body wasn't used to my germs", not only did her pill fail, not only did the morning after pill fail, not only did the lord provide that she conceive on her first go, but he decided that she could lose it along with the ensuing kidney infection. Lucky eh?

But the dumping. Spectacular. She loved me of course, but was off after some big shot at her church. Couldn't get enough of him. Literally. It was such a big step sleeping with me... So much so that even with their strong values and beliefs that forbade them doing even things like drinking the Devils brew, because it "takes you further from God", it didn't stop them bonking like weasles. Right above my head. For months. When I had my rather important exams. Even though I asked if she could do it at his house when I had my exams. After quitting for a while she started again the night before my first exam. Just under 50% for 3rd year of a masters. Not helpful in the long run.

Leaving a pile of tissues and a condom wrapper on top of a pile of rubbish in your bin isn't subtle. But it's helpful if your ex notices so that you can ask him "Why is it such a big deal to you" in a condescending but caring manner when he looks a little shaken.

She never asked me to my face to be an usher at her wedding, but left it in a letter. This was after weeks of hinting that she was getting engaged to Mr Would-be-Jesus-but-born-two-Millennia-too-late. Even putting her hand on my desk in front of me so I'd notice the ring. I didn't. Realised after though.

The last time I spoke to her, she was sobbing her little heart out and shaking out her duvet that my mates had cheerfully filled with crisps and cheese after my 21st.
I love them for that.

Over the months she's attempted many many times to get in contact with me. Mostly by text, the most recent ones stating how wrong and foolish she was and how great I am and how sorry she is. Due for one soon actually. The last email I got from her she said she wanted to make amends as she didn't have much time left. The head thing you know.

The bitch still isn't dead yet.

I apologise for nothing. You psychologists out there are likely thinking I haven’t got over it. In a way you is right. Never felt so down like that before. Managed to avoid happy pills, just. Since then have been out with two fantastic ladies. The first one when I was still living with the psycho. So good to see her face when she saw the gorgeous blonde I was seeing.

I never thought I’d ever say that I’d not be in the least bit sad to hear that someone I used to love had spontaneously combusted. With regards to the list up there near the top – she was and is a fucking liar.
But she loved the length. She was well dirty :)

Christ! Rant over. Well done for reading it. If you did. I break my recent lurkage in style.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Thu 23 Nov 2006, 1:26, Reply)

I had a girlfriend once. I wanted to impress her. I totally set fire to a cat and then fucked it.
She went ape shit. It wasn't a cat. It was a dog.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 22:38, Reply)

If it were up to me...
I'd say Bjork was pretty damn attractive and she's as mad as a flea in a cup.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 22:14, Reply)

What are you going to do with boobs, unless you're a baby?
Give me a good thick pair o' thighs and a nice bum.

Boobs that are too big? More than a C cup, I'd say, though I could stretch to a D probably
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 21:27, Reply)

Uxbridge
Grew up there, left in '86, never been back. It was a dump even then, and although not full of mental women, it certainly had had more than it's fair share of outwardly beautiful but inwardly bonkers girls. (i.e. the ones that didn't fancy me at school - I got the well balanced but grim ones :o )
(Hero to Zero freeing the tadpoles on a regular basis, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 21:22, Reply)

Notches on the bedpost would have been more tasteful
This girl I was briefly* involved with at uni used to keep the used condoms from the blokes she'd shagged, tie a knot in them and pin them on the wall in a display.

Said she liked both men & women but generally preferred men. Think she was disappointed at there being no equivalent souvenir to add to her collection.

* Kind of less keen after seeing the extensive gallery. Nothing to do with the number, I may add, but because it's skanky to decorate your room with old spunky condoms.
Wonder if she was related to Tracy Emin?
(Turangalila, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 20:41, Reply)

Pillow killer
While at university, I had a spare pillow which I dressed in a T-shirt (with a face on it) and referred to as 'Ashley'. Sort of thing that seems hilarious when you're 20.

Anyway, my then boyfriend took a dislike to Ashley. Whenever he was left alone in my room, I would return and find him enacting bizarre and sometimes violent fantasies with Ashley. The pillow.

Examples:
- Balancing Ashley against an upturned breadknife and informing me that he was committing hara-kiri.
- Emptying my bottle of paracetamol and leaving the empty bottle (with a few scattered pills) on Ashley. And writing a suicide note to go with it.
- Dressing Ashley up in my lingerie and hiding him in my wardrobe, then informing me that he was 'coming out of the closet ... he's gay now and doesn't like you any more'.
(Turangalila, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 20:25, Reply)

well
i often work in an arse end of nowhere place called uxbridge. that is quite near st albans, no? maybe we should organise a b3ta bash there!

st albans, not uxbridge. noone and i mean noone should ever come out here. it's like death only more grey.

and it is full of barking mad teenage mothers who are bonkers but not beautiful in body, mind or soul.

ps legless - you mean like:

why is it called a wonderbra?

'cos you wake up in the morning and wonder where her tits have gone!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 18:50, Reply)

PJM
yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head there

Oh, and rachelswipe, if you ever find youself in a city called St Albans...
( greedyostrich Cheese is evil! Cheddar is VOODOO!, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 18:11, Reply)

Big Pert Jugs Are Ace
but rare, give me small tits, a flat belly, and nice arse anyday. Just like that chick I raped in the woods that time.
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 18:10, Reply)

Totally Off Topic...
But it is about tits.

I came home from work a while ago and sat on the sofa. And there was a strange lump where I was sitting. So I ferretted about and found the offending lump.

It was a tit. One of those false jobbies that look like a chicken fillet.

"Andy? (flatmate) I've just found a tit down the sofa - can you give it back to whoever it belongs to please?"


On a personal note, that sort of thing should be banned. False advertising. I mean, how would you girls like it if we went around with socks stuffed down our pants?

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 18:05, Reply)

Moobies
Poor form. I am currently battling against it myself.

It seems that "how big are your baps?" could be a future QOTW. Boys as well as girls to join in.


Long time listner, first time caller.
(fivetide, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 17:30, Reply)

Woo to off topic talk board style takeovers.
Small tits are far nicer, and have a longer shelf life.

But give me a nice pert arse any day.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Wed 22 Nov 2006, 17:25, Reply)

Sizewise....
....anything more than a mouthful is wasted anyway.

(That tip works for boys and girls!)
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 17:24, Reply)

I've got tits.
I eat too much.
(frankspencer, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 17:12, Reply)

a bitchier part of me says i'm still going out with a handsome loon...
... but i love him, so that's alright then.

but on a thoroughly bonkers level, there was a guy in my secondary school, who'd been held back a year - presumably for just being too cool, he wasn't stupid. he was a brilliant artist, a genuinely funny person (rare in teenagers) and christ, if he wasn't the sexiest bastard i've ever met. a sort of young brad pitt meets gary oldman, a combination that shouldn't work (particularly as i don't fancy pitt) but ooh, lordy, it did. there's a great story about an orange, but it's a bit long - it ends with: great abs and no concept of his own rough trade-style lovliness..
however, you worry about the sanity of a man who's final gcse artwork is of a dissected pregnant woman, who took various recreational drugs during break, and had various manic episodes during assembly.
but christ, was he hot.

another incredibly hot guy i knew for many years - we had an ongoing chemistry thing all through our teens and burgeoning adulthood - was diagnosed with schizophrenia after the last time i saw him.

i'm really not very good at this bloke thing.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 17:10, Reply)

PJM
maybe you turn them into loonies??!?! (joke)


EDIT - i usually do have a point. whether it's remotely entertaining or relevant is a whole different matter!!

EDIT - now you've made me blush!

EDIT - now does it really seem as if you'd have too much work to do on that score?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 17:10, Reply)

Rachelswipe
From my own perspective it's a case of either they're lovely or they're not, it's not about whether they've got one specific physical attribute which appeals. Besides I'm more likely to be prejudiced against a prettier girl because I want her to prove to me that she's got a personality and a mind of her own.

Those ladies who are both lovely and have agreat personalities are sadly few and far between.

Quite where the fuck I keep going wrong and getting involved with lunatics I'll never know.

[edit]
Rachelswipe, you may have a point...
[edit]
It's usually both.
[edit]
Careful, I could turn you into a loon...!
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 22 Nov 2006, 17:07, Reply)

generally
i find men tend to comment more on legs or eyes than boobs. i assume this is because they are trying to appear more sensitive. of course the genuinely nice sensitive ones say "you look lovely" and do not home in on one body part. which just makes you think they are saying "nice ass, shame about the rest of you"!!!

for instance, the bedsh1tter spent our first illicit drink together as senior and trainee telling me how amazing it was that i had such
"big green eyes" rather than "such a deep cleavage" as he later admitted he'd been thinking.

he promptly hit me in one of them (eyes not boobs) a few weeks later in any event, but that's for a different qotw!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 17:02, Reply)

hmmm
well nature will take it's course. I will second what grandmasterfluffies said, some people will treat a girl as nothing more than a pair of breasts on legs. Hell I'm getting mine made smaller first chance I get!
As for being bonkers ! Men can be just as bad. I've had exes stalk me. You would think that they had nothing better todo with their time. MEN why do you do it!
( hedge_diver, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 17:00, Reply)

Too big and too small
There is, of course, too big and too small as far as a man is concerned.

Breasts of course - I'm not the other way inclined!

Too big and they're floppy or saggy or just in the way - too small and, well, what do you get hold of?

I like just normal size - but then again I like a nice pert ass over perfect breasts - none of your "ferrets fighting in a pair of trousers ass" or tiny-nonexistent...

I know this is off topic, but then again so are the last dozen posts....

Size??? I'm black - you work it out ;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:58, Reply)

Grandmasterfluffies
Exactly! Well said that girl.

I do have female buddies with larger chests who feel that some guys aren't as interested in their personalities as they are their mammaries. And to some extent it's true.

Your point about self esteem issues is very valid.

(although I'm sure you're a decent human being, cupsize notwithstanding).
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:57, Reply)

However
really fat girls with big cup sizes still don't do it for me - there has to be an element of pertness!

nipples pointing upwards; that's the key!
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:54, Reply)

greedyostrich
As the owner of a pair of F-cup gazoongas, I can tell you that the way pneumatic-chested girls are treated when they're growing up is enough to drive anyone completely bats.

Broadly speaking, they are made to feel as if any other attributes they have are completely irrelevant. This creates either low self-esteem (people only want me for my gazoongas) or bland arrogance (I have great gazoongas and this qualifies me as a superior human being who doesn't actually need any brain cells or consideration for others).

Quite apart from the fact that small/average ones are considerably more attractive, as a general trend girls with average-sized boobs are likely to be nicer, saner people.

Ow....my foot...I think I just shot myself.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:52, Reply)

my god
that's an eyewatering education!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:51, Reply)

Cystitis
Oh god yes, there can be too big....and you do get cystitis....constantly....until you kick them out and they decide that perhaps they prefer men anyway.....
Mad, yes I certainly was.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:49, Reply)

Me?
Too big is anything fake. Or excessively saggy on an obese woman.

Too small is an anorexic.

Who cares as long as they're on someone you like.

Although I do like C-D best, on a slim girl. Although I like curves! Stick insects aren't great.

rachelswipe - no such thing as too big? what about cystitis the next day (so says an average man)
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:45, Reply)

so
what do b3ta men think is "too big" and what is "too small"?

[could ask the same of the girls except there'd be no such thing as a "too big" category!!!!!!]
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 16:43, Reply)