I'm an aetheist but if there's any justice in this world there is a hell.
Here is my confession b3tans. Forgive me for I have sinned.

I don't do MASSIVE drugs. I am more of a vegetarian in this department but being a human being I have occasionally strayed from the path of righteousness.

One fateful evening, having been offered and accepted vast quantities of the devil's dandruff at a party, I returned home to my front yard where one of the local bitches was looking after her kittens. Now whilst technically stray they lived in our yard and were quite tame (It's the tropics, they were warm) and they were normally quite happy with me picking them up.

So with eyes like 2 ketchup and egg yoke streaked greasy-spoon-cafe plates. I picked up one of the kittens gently by the scruff of the neck and peered into it's little eyes. It hissed at clawed at me, I freaked out and threw it to the ground in a Colombian-fueled freak out. It got up and wobbled off and I went to bed.

The next morning I went out to the yard and the kitten was dead. My wife immediately blamed the local tomcat that had been bothering the kittens and I nodded severely and said "Fuck that tomcat".

For this, if there is a hell, then I will be set on fire by Satan only to have the flames doused by the kitten pissing on me. Once the wee thing's wee has subsided, Lucifer will then re-light the fire and put on repeat for eternity.

I do realise that on the internet, this is worse than admitting to pedophilia. I promise I'm not a potential serial killer. Flame away, it's the least I deserve.
(lurkylurklurk swings more, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 15:33, 6 replies)

Either that
Or you're God, and someone just had a wank.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 16 Jul 2012, 15:34, closed)

It wasn't the throwing it to the ground that did it, it was the grinding its spine under the heel of your shoe.
Also, OCCASIONAL DRUGS.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 15:36, closed)

Dim Mak?
Keep your hands of death to yourself, please!
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 16:19, closed)

You probably won't go to hell
but flinging kittens around is pretty poor behaviour.

Poor widdle kitty.
(username failed moderation, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 16:39, closed)

Female cats aren't bitches
They're called a molly, or a queen.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cat#Nomenclature_and_etymology

It's female dogs that are bitches.
(thefuckestuppest cheapened this, on, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 17:09, closed)

Consider me educated
or at least not as thick as I was.

Calling a queen a bitch. Treason!
(lurkylurklurk swings more, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 16:49, closed)