I am Ian Huntley

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 13:18, 6 replies)

I told a sex lie on QOTW.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 13:08, 4 replies)

I posted a story about shed on QOTW.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 13:05, Reply)

Arguing on the internet
A bit like taking part in the Special Olympics.

No matter if you win, you are still a loser in life.



/will all those boarding for hell, please mind the gap.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:41, 8 replies)

I Robbed
Two Krispy Kreme Doughnuts from a service station on the M6 last week, and a load of cutlery on my way to the Tolpuddle Martyrs Festival.

Fucking Bourgeois Doughnuts.
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 11:07, Reply)

I once told a woman
"Your bum looks big in that dress".
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 10:48, 5 replies)

On Saturday night
I unplugged Bruce Springsteens amplifier to plug in my phone charger.
( Muns, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 9:00, 5 replies)

I'm not.
It doesn't exist. Don't you have better things to worry about?
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Wed 18 Jul 2012, 7:49, 2 replies)

Commandments, or suggestions?
I've broken most of the ten commandments. I have yet to kill anyone, though I do have a plan involving a mulcher and newly laid concrete patio should that ever become necessary.
(Foolmetwice shame on you, now fuck off, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 3:49, Reply)

Well.... this
wot I wrote a while ago, drunkenly, as a response to Rory Lyon's odd and unrelenting focus upon a B3ta stalwart's mother, and never posted due to it being horrible enough in terms of both content and form that I was a bit ashamed:


Let's spare a thought for Rory's mum -
she cannot walk, she cannot run
she spends her life upon her bum
slowly dessicating.
The praline in life's chocolate-box -
she wheels herself down to the docks
and chows down on the sailors' cocks
to make 10p, fellating.

A wizened, crippled, dried-up cunt,
a mother to a spastic runt -
subsisting on the sacrement
that she is forced to swallow.
When she's done, she wheels back home -
her breath smells like the cocks she's blown -
each bump traversed brings forth a moan,
because they've fucked her hollow.

It's not for naught she sells herself
despite her age and failing health -
when Rory sees her hard-earned wealth
he gets a small erection.
With spittle dribbling down his chin
he snatches mummy's whoring-tin
runs to the meter, shoves 10p in -
--At last! Dialup connection.

"Not long now," he thinks with glee
"I'll troll them all, and then they'll see!"
But plans don't trump stupidity
and haven't since his birth.
Try as you might, you won't detect
a hint of wit or intellect -
in fact, it's best you just forget
that Rory crawls the earth.

Trembling fingers start to tap
upon the keyboard on his lap,
producing naught but worthless crap
all rendered with poor grammar.
He spazzes out opprobrium -
"YOUR FAT AND SOS YOURE FATTY MUM!!!1!11!"
- as subtle and as Swiftian
as a mongloid with a hammer.

Born from a back-alley ride,
a lion's roar, he claims with pride.
Sadly, though, the dull cunt lied -
which should be dealt with harshly.
Boasts aside, the truth is that
he's just a boring, trolling twat
- a neutered, mewling pussycat -
Mufasa? More like Parsley.

So spare a thought for Rory's mum -
it is a bad thing that she's done -
pretending that she had a son
instead of an abortion.
The flotsam from her genitalia -
paid for by a lonely sailor -
grew to be an abject failure
grotesque and malproportioned.
Wasting all his jobless time
posting banale shit online -
a spandrel from some sailor slime
squirted in a cripple.
For his hopes, and all his fears,
for all his tantrums, all his tears -
his twisted, tortured, wasted years
won't leave a fucking ripple.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 0:31, 70 replies)

I once ordered a lemonade at a cafe in an Ikea
They gave me the cup at the check-out, and I had to fill it up myself from the dispenser. I put some ice from the ice machine in the bottom, then filled my plastic 500ml cup with soft drink mix. Unfortunately, I had filled it too close to the brim for easy transportation. I took a couple of refreshing sips to lower the level in the cup. At this point I could have just walked away. Some nights when I am laying in my bed, racked with remorse, I ask myself again and again: "Why? Why didn't I just walk away?".
But I didn't walk away. A horrible plan formed in my mind, driven by an all-consuming greed. I didn't care whose life I destroyed, how many laws I broke. I didn't even think about the consequences.
I checked the ladies at the register. They were dealing with customers. They had completely forgotten about me and the fulfillment of my purchase. I looked up, trying not to be too obvious. No cctv. There was a mother near me, but she was putting sauce on her children's hotdogs, she wouldn't suspect a thing.
Trying to look casual while my heart was pounding, I returned to the drinks dispenser. As nonchalantly as I could, like I was just any normal customer, I TOPPED UP MY DRINK AGAIN WITH MORE LEMONADE THAN I HAD PAID FOR.
Suddenly fearing the hand of a store detective on my shoulder, I walked a little too quickly to the exit, and my drink spilled a little. I probably lost more than I had gained by illegal means. Even when I got to my car I knew I wouldn't be in the clear until I was at least a few miles away. The drinks holder in my car was too small for the cup, so I drank the whole thing quickly and so didn't really enjoy it. It is a crime I've had to live with for the rest of my days. I never went back to that Ikea again. I can't, the risk is too great. I gambled and won, but if I returned and they recognised me, I could lose everything.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 22:00, 6 replies)

Don't worry peeps - here's why it's not real!
I have a very vivid memory of when the whole religion thing lost this sheep. Having been raised by irish catholics, sent to actholic schools from the age of 4, only really socialising with other catholics, hell was a terrifyingly real concept. As silly as it sounds I remember so many nights crying myself to sleep with thoughts of the concept of an eternity of pain (trying to visualised eternity is pretty overwhelming, especially when you're 7).

Fast forward to year 9 religious studies class (compulsory, and not the open minded sort of rs where you learn about other religions. This was memorising the bible and the catechism teachings about everything important - and everyone pissing off the teacher by declaring their support of abortion and euthanasia.)
So one sunny day we had to spend the whole fudging hour learning 3 words: Omnipotent, Omniscient, Benevolent. Half an hour repeating the words and their definitions, half an hour discussing the implication of that.
Basically it was:
1. God is all powerful. Everything happens because he/she makes it happen.
2. God knows everything. Everything that has ever happened or will ever happen.
3. God is all good. Will never do anything without good intentions.

And that's how a catholic religious studies teacher in a very catholic school accidently convinced me that all of religion is just logically wrong.

If God is all of those things then Hell makes f**k all sense!
For example, if you're going to say that gay people go to hell, then by this logic God made them gay. God created them that way, and knew in advance that they would be gay and would have lots of bum fun. But then why do that if God only wants good for people and is going to then send that person to an eternity of pain for doing what they were made to do and which they apparently had no part in - cos everything is by God so it's his choice for them to be gay. And you can apply that to everything.

Or a more recent example that made me want to vomit. (you may have seen this in the news) - basically a 12 yr old girl in Brazil was raped by her stepfather and got pregnant with twins. She had to have an abortion, because aside from anything else, 12yr old bodies can't handle a double pregnancy. So logically (and very morally) the catholic church excommunicated the girl's mother and all doctors involved. They said the stepfather had done somthing bad but was worthy of forgiveness. What the fudge sort of God would KNOW that would happen, MAKE it happen, and then agree with the decision that those trying to protect the girl were the evil ones?! If I needed a final push to renounce Catholicism that was it right there. Maybe I'll write to Pope Benedict and inform him of this...

I haven't got a problem with people being religious, but people threatening to send other people to hell bother me to a rather extreme extent. This logic doesn't prove there's not a God (I'm open to the concept of that) but it does make organised religion seem basically messed up.
(Bambola, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 21:19, 16 replies)

I used less butter than Marlon Brando on James Martin.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 20:26, Reply)

I saw someone convulsing wildly near a pylon
so I told them a knock-knock joke
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 20:14, Reply)

Hells been booked since 1996
On a tour down the Falkland Islands back in 96, me and my mate were on R&R in the main (only!!) town on the island, getting totally shit faced. In one bar, The Globe, and we started asking the locals if there were any good time girls on the island, prossies, brasses that sort of thing. I remember the locals muttering to each other then asking me to phone this number and to tell who answered that we were here to party. I did and the voive on the other end said to make sure to bring drink, waahey, c'mon I said to Billy lets go get laid.
Local taxi driver said he would take us there and I remember him giggling the way there (Alarm bell should have started ringing).
I also remember getting out of the taxi and clocking the wheelchair ramp and hand rail (more alarm bells!!)
When we entered we were welcomed like long lost warriors by a small, overweight, physically disabled (legs had gone) and obviously mentally disabled woman in her late fifties. We thought this fine woman was the mum and we were about to meet some ravishing sex bomb daughter in her twenties, but alas this lovely old woman was the entertainment for the night.
What to do! Admit we were conned by the locals and slink back to camp like rats leaving a burning nest or man the fuck up and treat this lady to a night of passionate gang banging.
We manned the fuck up ladies and gentlemen and me and Billy showed that lady the night of her lives, she even found the funny side whilst getting kebabed me and Billy were high fiving like Vegas porn stars.
Ended at three the next morning when Billy sobered up and started sobbing about what we had done, what animals we were etc, etc.
Good night though but what I believe will send me to hell is the fact that I stole her copy of The Immaculate Collection when we left, not the gangbanging of a mentally, physically handicapped lady.
(Hammy1801 may have scabies!, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 19:53, 5 replies)

Not actually me, but I was talking to my mate "Chaz"...
Apparently he once "finished off" with a brief, almost repressed thought about someone we know.
A few weeks later it came up randomly in a conversation I had with her that she was creeped out by the thought of being fantasized over by others.
He gonn' fry like chicken tonight.
PS- Will think of something about myself later.
(Glucose-Maximus All over the world., Tue 17 Jul 2012, 19:23, 3 replies)

I use less butter
Than Marlon Brando
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 18:33, Reply)

i use more butter than james martin

( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 18:23, Reply)

Laughing in the face of adversity
In the office a few months ago I was dealing with a few nasty complaint issues and decided to have a 15 minute break outside the building, to get some fresh air. As I was mulling about in the car park of our office, one of the local automated wheelchair driving women drove into the car park in her modded people carrier. She parks not too far from me, presses a few buttons and her car started to slide open and reveal a side-lift. She rolls on and presses another button, then she slowly begins her descent.

Nout really funny about this tbh.....that was until another worker was walking towards the entrance and walked past her car. As he was minding his own business his mobile went off unexpectedly. And played as loud as you like the fucking Thunderbirds theme tune. I nearly asphyxiated on the spot. She wasn't impressed.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 16:31, 2 replies)

I gave the people what they wanted
I once posted a story on a website which gave the people what they wanted.

Was it true? was it trolling? who knows!

muhahahah!!
(Clit Ninja is having a white space party!, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 15:26, 7 replies)

I use
More olive oil than Jamie Oliver.
(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 13:34, 6 replies)

This one time, I killed my mother and sister then fell onto a ceremonial dagger while listening to KMFDM.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 12:36, Reply)

I used to work as a rent boy
I worked in Canary Wharf; I'd service all the coked-up bankers, while wearing a nazi uniform and a Princess Diana mask, sitting in a wheelchair. I was fifteen years old at the time.

All this took place in the lift.

It was wrong on so many levels.

.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 10:52, 4 replies)

No words....



(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 10:41, 4 replies)

I enjoy watching Big Brother
even more so now it's on Channel 5.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 9:35, Reply)

Yesterday, a nice young lady with blue hair came round for a modelling shoot
amongst other things, we made her wear a rubber mask so that we could make Admiral Ackbar porn. Even the usually unflappable photographer was muttering "this is just wrong" under his breath.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 9:30, 10 replies)

I make a loud "DING" sound
every time Rob Nixon from Nicko's Kitchen says "bad boy".
7's the winner so far.
Sodomy by flaming trident sounds... interesting. A bit gay. But interesting.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 17 Jul 2012, 8:47, 1 reply)

I don't know about being sent to hell, but posting about sheds seems to get you sent to the naughty step.
Hi Janet & Rory.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 17 Jul 2012, 7:50, 5 replies)

Repost kind of
Back in another life I was a Slaughterman for a deer processing plant.
I got board one night and worked out how many deer I had shot in the head over my tenure as a shooter.
It came to 100000 ish give or take a few thousand.
Least I wont be lonely in hell.
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Tue 17 Jul 2012, 2:11, 8 replies)

once..
I obliterated a village
(saint_edward, Mon 16 Jul 2012, 23:18, Reply)