The day I nearly burned
I was helping my sister remove a derelict shed in her garden. It was wooden, so we planned to burn it. Once we had reduced it to a pile of wood, I started to build the fire.

Now, I was being very cautious, intending to start with a small fire and build it up. So the initial pile of wood was very modest, or so I thought. Once I came to light it, though, I realised that I hadn't accounted for the effect of about forty years of slow drying combined with periodic soakings in creosote. My supposedly small bonfire went up with such a huge, mushroom-cloud shaped fireball that I fell back in a mixture of shock and scorched eyebrows, and found myself staring up into the rapidly crisping leaves of a tree that I'd assumed was well out of harm's way.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:46, 1 reply)

I have
.. two sheds, but no man to use them. They just sit there quietly rotting.
(Freakmandu, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:02, 1 reply)

Dear Sir,
How dare you! How very dare you! "QOTW" is a long established part of this website, some may even say its lifeblood. It also plays an important role in society by creating an environment for liars, rapists, sexual deviants, violent thugs, drug addicts and Honda Accord enthusiasts to tell their lurid tales and not bother the rest of us. I can only think that the people who perpetrated the heinous act of attempting humour, humour, are in fact "trolls," to use the common parlance. I am an avid shed enthusiast and looked forward to telling many exciting tales about the sheds I have owned over the years. During my service to the crown I was stationed in Zimbabwe and owned a large selection of sheds or, as the locals called them, "sheds". I hope you all get banned for ruining QOTW, I hope the good Lord himself casts you into the fiery pit for this disgraceful display of arrogance.

Good day!

Yours,

Maj Gen Mark Morrisons Prison Shoes (ret)
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:47, 21 replies)

This question sucks balls.
One can either post a crappy religious based joke, an insipid story or a good answer that will lead to flamings, and everyone calling you a lowlife scummy cunt.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:44, 17 replies)

Once
I used hair gel on the Sabbath.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:35, 2 replies)

I won't,
but for those who want to there are lots of places online. This for example.

Oh, hang on...
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:22, 2 replies)

protestant hell or catholic hell?
papist hell looks more colourful, but having been brought up a methodist, i suspect hell is a place characterised by an overwhelming feeling of dissapointment and letting oneself down.

what have i done to get there?

I have been less than excellent to each other.
(magictorch, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:11, Reply)

I ran over my supermodel girlfriend in my Ferrari

(Leone Sextus Denys Oswolf Fraudatifilius Tollemache-Tollemache de Orellana Plantagenet Tollemache-Tollemache sig sig sig sig sig sig sig sig sig sig sig sig si, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 0:11, 4 replies)

I don't have a shed...
...does that make me lose this QOTW? Will I go to Hell and forever burn in the fires of damnation? Will I be made to live my shedless existence over and over again for eternity, always to be without a place to store all the stuff that I can't think of a use for, nor a reason to get rid of? Never to feel the warm glow from erecting (ahem!) a bona-fide D.I.Y. shed, not even a flat-pack, own-brand shed that I bought for a discount online and still never used to its fullest potential?

NO!

I will go out and make a shed tomorrow, with bits of shed. Or at least buy a shed. Or I will just look at sheds online and procrastinate about which shed is better. I will put them in the checkout baskets of all the internet sites I visit. I will make it my life goal to add as many sheds to my virtual baskets as I can and all without buying them. I will never repent, for I am sure of my beliefs, in sheds... virtual sheds.

(Length=Forever)

{edit - even my C.D.C. doesn't stretch that far}
(IdlePeAcEsign if trouble were my mistress, i'd send her to them, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 0:09, Reply)

I'm an Athiest but if i'm wrong i'm fucked
Wanked into a bible.

Genesis if you must ask.
(EvelcyclopS, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 23:28, 9 replies)

Villain of the Year 2011
I did nominate the winner of last year's "Villain of the Year" QOTW, and it was the Pope. So I'll either be rewarded in heaven if the Paisley-ites are right, or be the sexual plaything of predatory papal paedophiles for all eternity.

Or maybe it's all just fairy stories. (I suppose suggesting that it's fairy stories counts against me as well. You just can't win in this game.)
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 23:08, 2 replies)

I knocked
down my shed to make room for extra parking.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 21:54, 2 replies)

Those flames are hot it would seem.
At least they were for this little pea.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 12 Jul 2012, 21:35, Reply)

My little sister used to be active in musical theatre.
It was my job to drive her to rehearsals, sit there for several hours while she and many other pre-teens butchered tunes by Gilbert & Sullivan or Andrew Llyod Webber or whomever, and then return again for opening night. I think I've done my penance in this life.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 21:27, 1 reply)

A week before this happened, Jakes dog ate pineapple hair conditioner from the bathroom and was sick everywhere..
I was over there, purchasing some fragrant herbs and spices for relaxing the mind, body and soul.. Whilst dividing and measuring the merchandise, half dropped onto the floor. Jakes dog went into full scavenge mode and scoffed the lot. We tried everything but that was one stubborn dog. Jake being quite the experienced herbalist, (stoned out of his tiny little gourd) fed the dog the rest of the conditioner to try and make it sick.. It kind of worked, the dog threw up bubbles for about half an hour, and then proceed to fall into a crazed dreaming lying down sleep state.. The poor thing survived, and lived for 7 more years, but was never quite the same as before..
I'm going to hell for watching the proceedings, stoned, and laughing constantly at a seriously stoned dog throwing up bubbles..
Feel guilty just writing this down.
Drugs are bad.
(bangthedrum, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 21:26, 1 reply)

I'm not going to burn in hell.
Not because I've led a pious life, but because hell simply does not exist.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Thu 12 Jul 2012, 21:20, 5 replies)

I wear mixed fibre clothes.
I have tattoo's.
I shave (sometimes).
I've been around women when they have their period.

Hell for me!
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 20:58, Reply)

I think being a member of this website
is pretty much like signing the census for hell....
( PMGT -Bacon., Thu 12 Jul 2012, 20:45, 1 reply)

This isn't definative just what I recall
Lying ,
Stealing ,
Cheating ,
Sex before marriage ,
Sex within marriage ( she' not the wife ),
Sex within marriage ( I'm not the husband ),
Sex with same sex ,
Having children outside of marriage ,
Taking drugs ,
Selling drugs ,
Importing drugs ,
Growing drugs ,
Believing in God but not following the rules ,
Believing in the wrong God ,
Believing in no God ,
Avarice ,
Greed ,
(Cut'n'paste from wiki which highlights 3.4)
3.1 Lust
3.2 Gluttony
3.3 Greed
3.4 Sloth
3.5 Wrath
3.6 Envy
3.7 Pride
Worshiping false idols ( D,Bowie ) ,
Coveting my neighbours Ox ,

I'm a now , and have been for a long while , a Nihilist which is just as well cos theres no God thats going to welcome me in the afterlife . Hmm whats the criteria for Vallhalla ? bugger , seems I gotta kill someone :) .
(kilozerone, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 20:34, 6 replies)

I had sex out of wedlock
totally worth it.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 19:47, Reply)

I drowned a chinchilla.

(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 19:23, 2 replies)

Highway to hell
The sun was blazing off the windscreens of passing cars, the sky was clear, the recycled air was awash with upbeat rock from the stereo - it was a good day to be driving on our fair nation's motorway system. Ahead of me was a coach, the large kind often used to ferry airport-goers and the elderly, in the middle lane. I was to its right in a gradual overtaking position, and looking ahead did spy what is I suppose a fairly familiar sight - a bunch of school kids leering out the back window and exercising their wrists in a vigorous manner designed to imply - quite correctly - that I was a wanker.
I'm an easy-going, devil-may-care kind of guy, but that glorious day I was having none of it. So, as I approached in my overtaking manoeuvre I extended my left arm - still keeping my eyes of the road of course - and delivered a steady and determined middle finger that Johnny Cash would have been proud of.
As I came up alongside the bus, I glanced upward at its steamed windows, to see a group of smiling children with Down's syndrome waving excitedly at me...

My attempt to morph my bird into a reciprocated wave was the epitome of pathetic-ness. Funny how wrong you can be with the sun in your eyes.
(Jimtastic, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 18:00, 2 replies)

i done a bad thing, it was naughty
and i didnt say sorry
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 17:37, Reply)

My cross to bear.
I'm a pretty good girl and have always tried to do the right thing. I did however cheat on my husband, which I will always feel terrible about. 6 years ago I bumped in to a man that I was infatuated with when I was 10. My marriage was becoming difficult and his had come to an end (for the second time). After 3 months of secret meetings, we finally slept together and the relationship was sealed. I had never been with anyone else before, apart from my husband, so was a big step for me. I'd like to think that I will not be made to "burn in hell" as I was totally in love with him and was not just "playing around". I eventually left my husband, moved in to my own house, and I have been with my "childhood sweetheart" for 6 years now. I have NEVER been unfaithful to him and would never do that to anyone, ever again - it's a terrible cross to bear and hurts too many people.
(Miss Green Dress, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 17:14, 7 replies)

Well, they don't need them.
Someone asked me for suggestions for baby names. I said they should go to a cemetery and look at the grave stones. They looked at me horrified; I thought it was a really good idea. Incidentally, telling someone to go to a cemetery is my answer to most questions.
(stooey Not an actor but I play one on TV, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 17:09, 1 reply)

I was in hospital
I was stuck on a bed, with a collapsed lung, connected to a suction pump, so I couldnt leave my bed. The ward I was on was mostly older people.

One day a dementia ridden african guy was allocated to the bed opposite me. He was very confused, which gave me an unnerving feeling, as he kept asking me mumbling questions like "Can I go to the toilet?", and "when is it break time?".
Obviously signs of his condition, but when your left in a room - just the two of you, can be quite difficult, as you dont know how to deal with his behaviour. I remember going to the toilet after him and finding a poo on the seat.

Afternoon came - nap time. I was reading the paper with my glasses off, the african guy sitting next to the window facing me, off in the distance but within my eye line.

Im not sure how long it took me to notice, but i could see he was staring at me...

I dip the paper, catch his eyes, ignore it, pull the paper up and continue reading...

I could feel his stare.

I dip the paper, the whites of his eyes now burning into me. He had a silly grin on his face.. .like he was laughing at me. His head tilted to the side. His hands under his chin.

I felt uneasy.

I shrug my shoulders, what was his problem?

"Are you ok?" I beckon. No answer...

I return to my paper...10 minutes pass... I go to address the problem by putting my glasses on and stand up... i look up and notice he isnt staring at me, but is infact fast asleep... with the light from the window reflecting off his eye lids.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 17:09, Reply)

Shagged an ex-girlfriend in a Catholic Chaplaincy
Used a condom.
(nordelius, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 16:47, 2 replies)

I don't think any of these stories are mine,
but here's a week's worth of responses in one go: www.b3ta.com/questions/confess/
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 16:35, 2 replies)