A mate of mine has three bollocks
Seriously. I've seen them. All in one sack. The circumstances under which I saw them I'll leave to your imagination. A few hours later, we were fully clothed and sat on the sofa singing along to the theme tune from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. His girlfriend, sat between the two of us, looked absolutely disgusted with herself.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Sat 21 Feb 2015, 15:30, 6 replies)

can we have a cheers thread please

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 20 Feb 2015, 20:47, 36 replies)

My wife actually is an accountant
I just didn't realize it was worth mentioning. Mainly because its really dull. Sorry about that.
( Peej, Fri 20 Feb 2015, 13:11, 15 replies)

Can this be the last day of this QOTW?
Like, really?
(McChinaman banned, Fri 20 Feb 2015, 9:09, 2 replies)

unsee2.0 is shit

(Plague Hedgehog 'posting crap', Fri 20 Feb 2015, 0:20, Reply)

I can unsee most of that thread.
I can't not unsee it.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 19 Feb 2015, 13:51, Reply)

this tearjerking scene
I've euthanased a lot of animals. Its part of what I do. In the vast majority of cases I come away feeling like I have just created a hole in someones life. I live with that. However..

I was once called to euthanase a mare. This I did by lethal injection and it was as upsetting as could be imagined (if you like horses). Her foal which was in the same loose box came over to examine her mothers recumbent corpse and pawed at her as if to make her get up. This fair shook me up and I wished I could not have seen that.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Thu 19 Feb 2015, 13:16, 11 replies)

I once saw someone having a very public breakdown.
Terrible stuff.


( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 18 Feb 2015, 19:00, 47 replies)

I once walked in to the changing room at the local swimming pool,
to find two young men with Downs syndrome, stark bollock naked, cocking their legs like dogs and pissing on the floor. They seemed to really be enjoying themselves.

Probably a good metaphor for this board, now that I come to think of it.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 18 Feb 2015, 16:54, 1 reply)

People on here used to post up amusing images when they reached milestones in terms of their numbers of posts.
This is the one that signalled the death knell for that.


( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 18 Feb 2015, 16:34, 14 replies)

I once saw two semi autistic mongs going at each other, it was horrible, like two human sealions slapping each other and honking...
...but that's b3ta for you.
(McChinaman banned, Wed 18 Feb 2015, 15:29, 2 replies)

Surfers Paradise, Queensland, 21st March 2002
There's a place and a time for thongs....


(strongp, Wed 18 Feb 2015, 13:21, 2 replies)

The following is an extract from As Time Goes Bi... The Erotic Fan Fiction
Lionel opens the front door clutching a book. He kicks the front door closed behind him. “Jean, I've got it,” he said, “The first edition. I can't believe he sold it to me.” He enters the living room. “Jean?” Where is she? He wonders. A few faint groans echo through the house. “Jean? Where are you? Are you okay?” He hurries up the stairs where the moaning and groaning intensify. Anxious, he crosses to the bedroom door. The moaning has subdued slightly, but then rises once more. Lionel pushes the door open to be greeted to Jean rubbing her thicket in an intense motion. “Oh Lionel,” groans Jean. Lionel looks away in absolute disgust. She surely hasn't been frotting herself all this time since he has been away? “Oh, Lionel, come and finish me off,” Jean said.

“Absolutely not. Just look at the state of that thing. It looks like an overgrown Wookey Hole. Disgusting.”

“You didn't complain the other night.”

“That's because I didn't see it in the darkness of night and not the darkness of hair.”

“Well, you've killed the mood so I might as well use my fuck stick to get the job done.”

Jean reaches into her top drawer and pulls out a silver phallic automatic fucking device. She then starts to arouse herself with it. “Oh stop,” demands Lionel. “Never.” Jean carries on. As Lionel turns to walk away, a thunderous clap of vomit drops out of his mouth. “You bitch,” he utters, before walking to the bathroom.
( $$ ✅, Wed 18 Feb 2015, 13:01, 7 replies)

I once saw a woman attend church without a head covering.
Oh pass the mind bleach!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Feb 2015, 9:29, 4 replies)

haha, that time I hired a french gardener and I asked him if he was going to use a trimmer to even off my hedge and he said 'non, sequiturs'

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 17 Feb 2015, 21:43, 4 replies)

(luckylife , 0 guests and 3 bots are online, Tue 17 Feb 2015, 20:22, 10 replies)

Cheers

(Synchromesh gearbox, overhead cam, Tue 17 Feb 2015, 18:14, 4 replies)

This bloke on the internet, right?
He insults my mate by posting a parody of one of his posts as a new thread. Well my mate sees this and tells me and we is both well jell of the other geezer's sense of humour.

I was green with emvee.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 17 Feb 2015, 17:57, 16 replies)

Not so much what I can't unsee, but what I can't see.
I can't see why it was necessary to mention that one's partner is an accountant. Was it meant to impress people? Was anyone impressed?

Thought not.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 17 Feb 2015, 17:49, 30 replies)

More of a hear than see...
While visiting Amsterdam I was waiting to use a cash point machine in Dam Square. Just looking around when some woman (40ish) was approaching a junction on her push bike. She slowed down and I presumed this was as she was approaching the junction, but it turns out she was slowing down because she was mid faint. The bike came to a stop and she toppled over and smacked her head on the cobblestones. That was a sound that will never, ever leave my head. I get a shiver down my spine and feel sick when ever I think about it.
(mcvpjd3 Has no Board Sig yet, Tue 17 Feb 2015, 14:25, 3 replies)

I've only told this story about 100 times before
Some years ago I was in a fairly shabby Copenhagen club with a few colleagues on the lash. Our boss, a Swedish guy called Sven was having a lovely time working his way through the top shelf of the vodka bar, so we left him to it and went off to dance to whatever passed for music in Denmark at the time.

As the lights came on around 3am, we went to find Sven but he was no longer at the bar and the barman said he'd seen him head towards the gents a good hour earlier.

I wandered into the toilets and was slightly concerned to see that one of the stalls was locked and someone was clearly on the floor inside... judging by the shoes it looked like Sven. I called and banged on the door to no response so started to panic that something was seriously wrong. I fetched a bouncer and the pair of us banged and hollered to no response so the only option left was to break down the door.

As the bouncer smashed through, the sight was something I'll never forget. Sven, face down, arse up, with a perfectly curled cumberland sausage resting proudly on his buttocks. The lime green y-fronts round his ankles were a nice touch too.
(BinDipper, Tue 17 Feb 2015, 13:27, Reply)

I once saw a woman in half.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 17 Feb 2015, 12:26, 12 replies)

To be clear, I love my job.
I work in elderly care. Lots of lovely people, and many unfortunate souls who suffer from dementia, all of whom I try to give the best care I can in the final times of their lives.

Now, some of these lovely elderly folk find themselves in a position where they believe they are being confronted with antagonistic strangers, or simply wonder what that warm, soft goo in their pants is. There are unofficial terms in the industry for people with recognisable responses to these situations, some of which I may or may not have seen myself.

Diggers.
Painters.
Eaters.
(Related to the above) Spitters.

We love your elderly relatives, but it can be difficult sometimes.
( clockworkrat has nice pants, Tue 17 Feb 2015, 1:23, 3 replies)

When tidying my dead parents stuff up
I found their "personal" Polaroids.

-__________-

So, people, if your going to die, BURN YOUR PRIVATE PORN STASH FIRST. Save your kids money on therapy.
(yeswehavenopasties, Tue 17 Feb 2015, 1:01, 2 replies)

Living in the Middle East you see some shit.
As you may know, in the Arabian Peninsula where cars and petrol are cheap you get guys doing crazy shit on the roads. Look up car surfing or Saudi driving skills on YouTube and you'll see what I mean. There are videos of guys taking the tires off of cars while driving along on two wheels. Another crazy bastard drove down Jebel Hafeet on two wheels in a Nissan Patrol, a drive that is challenging enough on all four.

One afternoon driving to Abu Dhabi I saw the cops arriving on the scene of an accident in the median strip of the highway. One car was lying upside down on top of another, a perfect roof-to-roof match that ended up being hood-to-hood. Apparently someone's Madd Driving Skillz were not as good as they thought.

Another afternoon a pickup truck came rocketing past me on the same highway, doing a good 180-200 kph. About ten minutes later we saw cops just beginning to arrive at the scene of tire marks going up an embankment to a palm tree severed about eight feet above the ground and a familiar looking truck on its roof.

But the best are the families that drive down the roads with a toddler standing on the console between the front seats, one hand on each seat. I've taken to referring to them as extreme late term abortions.

The Middle East: it's even madder than you thought.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 16 Feb 2015, 18:48, 4 replies)

Not me, but a friend of mine.
Bill (not his name) was in the Special Forces during the Second Gulf War (Operation Enduring Our Freedom to Bomb the Living Fuck Out Of You) and was stationed in Afghanistan. Despite what Hollywood tells you, Special Forces does not go wriggling through the dust to assassinate the bad guys, but rather were there to get to know the locals and try to make a rapport with them to try to persuade them to back the western forces and push back the Taliban. He could never be sure if he was making progress or not, but hey, he did his job anyway.

As such their base was set up a half to three quarters of a mile from a village. There was a big perimeter around it, obviously, and it had to be monitored. Part of Bill's duty was to stay on top of that wall and keep watch through night vision scopes for any suspicious movement.

One night Bill and his partner for the shift were sweeping around with their night vision and spotted movement at the edge of the village behind a building. As they watched two local guys led a donkey out there, then one stood in front of the donkey holding it still while the other guy went behind it. After a time they traded places. In the distance they could hear the donkey braying.

Were those sounds of outrage or pleasure? Only the donkey knows for certain.

Bill relayed this story to me over a beer, and even ten years later he still shuddered as he described what he saw. Some things just should not be seen outside of certain establishments in Tijuana...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 16 Feb 2015, 18:04, 3 replies)