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This is a question Cars

"Here in my car", said 80s pop hero Gary Numan, "I feel safest of all". He obviously never shared the same stretch of road as me, then. Automotive tales of mirth and woe, please.

(, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 12:34)
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Not me but my husband...
Don't worry this is more interesting than my last post.

My husband is a service engineer like myself, and as such sometimes ends up out on the road at some god-awful hour.

He had just come back from a call-out and stopped by the office to drop off some parts, and was merrily, but tiredly (if that is a word), making his way home for the last half hour.

Threading through the back roads to pick up the A428, he suddenly has a silver BMW hurtle past him and stop sideways, blocking the road in front of him. Naturally stopping, he didn't really react for a minute as the four dark-clothed, hoodie wearing men got out of the car and approached him until through the fog of fatigue his brain suddenly clicked 'they're gonna take my car', and switched from '....' to 'FUCK THIS'.

The first one approached ahead of the others and just put his hand on the driver's door handle when SMACK! The hb kicked the door open hard, straight into the guy's nose. He staggered back, blood all over his face and the hb slammed the car into gear, flooring the accelerator and clipping one of the others as he kerbed it to get around the BMW.

He told me everything when he came home, and was worried that the Old Bill would show up, but something told me a group of car-jackers would hardly put in a complaint to the police.

Nothing ever showed up in the papers, no visit from the boys in blue so I guess he's off the hook. Not that the fuckers didn't deserve it.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:22, 43 replies)
Your Husband drives a Honda Accord, right?

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:24, closed)
This is why you carry a pistol with you. Happened to me more than once.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:27, closed)
this is Britain
where we fight with fists, not distance weapons.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:29, closed)
Ohhh, OK
I prefer not to have a tire iron aside my head or my teeth knocked out, even if the (usually) bigger guy thinks "ohh, it's just a bit of fun with the boys."

Getting beaten, stabbed, raped, carjacked or kidnapped is not my preference. That I have spawn and therefore mouths to feed and protect, I choose not to muck about.

If they don't try to hurt me, they will lead a longer life. If they declare war on my person, all bets are off. I don't consider getting beaten fun.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:36, closed)
This is the difference between a civilised country, and America

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:39, closed)
I guess....
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:42, closed)
Since the first article that appears in that search
is a single shooting that happened 3 years ago, I'm not entirely sure what point you're trying to make here?
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:52, closed)
I bet you've got a MASSIVE penis.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:42, closed)

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:57, closed)
So what's it to you?

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:58, closed)
It's just pleasing to know you're right.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:22, closed)
Big guns, big cars.
He needs a ball-sling.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:26, closed)
Swinging death baby, swinging death

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:28, closed)
What's that supposed to mean?

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:29, closed)
Crude euphemism, I apologize.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:42, closed)
Apology accepted,
Now come here and give me a hug.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:43, closed)
Con gusto, mi amor!

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 17:05, closed)
protect your children's mouths? You Americans are mental.
(, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 12:37, closed)
Well, after becoming familiar with this board
I have realized that people put all sorts of things in their mouths, from which children deserve protection. Duh!
(, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 15:50, closed)
On the mean streets of Bedfordshire? Right.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:30, closed)
Oh I dunno,
I used to carry a 3-cell Maglite around when I drove a cab in Bedford. Had to use the hurty end a couple of times too.

One end was for seeing house numbers, the other for seeing stars.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 17:06, closed)
maybe so, but the A428 bypasses Bedford.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 17:31, closed)
I'm getting all choked up at your maglite poetry

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 18:03, closed)
So what really happened is your husband went out in the night and fucked someone else
and on the way home constructed a great story of a carjacking to distract you from the smell of stale semen and someone else's perfume emanating from his clothes.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:30, closed)
I love you.
It could just be he was a shit driver and wanted a supermodels-with-aspergers level excuse as to why he'd dented the drivers door and and kerbed an alloy, of course.

But I like your explanation better.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:33, closed)
You've just copied Donkey Gums' story here.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:32, closed)
Didn't think I'd get so many replies. Okay then so:

1. Yes, Bedfordshire. Not Bedford itself, but on Cemetery Lane between Box End and Bromham, just before the turning for the A428 - this was a few years ago so you had to cut through the villages unlike now where you can just pick it up off the A421 at Wootoon.

2. I assume he was telling me the truth as hb hated that car and would gleefully tell me how he had dented the boot/scratched the alloys/fucked the engine (60 in 2nd gear? he was a knob).
Also I cleaned of a small spray of blood from the top of the door - as far as I was aware, no cuts on hubby.

3.Thanks for suggesting my husband was unfaithful - really cheered me up. Don't think he would have called me asking me for tech advice on a machine if he was fucking someone else (even he's not that weird).
As I worked in the same job for the same company, I had similar hours and I wasn't fucking anyone else. Keep your stupid opinion to yourself.

4. No, I did not copy anyone else's story. The two have the only similarity in involving a car.

All in all, I don't think I'll bother posting another story if this is the type of comments I get when I finally think of something interesting in my sad little life to write about - or in future should I run it by you guys first to make sure it passes your criteria?
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 19:13, closed)
They're only
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 19:30, closed)
We are many things, dear.
We're certainly cunts. Probably maladjusted. Jealous, we are certainly not.
(, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:03, closed)
I for one, wish I had a lying spouse, you fucking cunt.

(, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:16, closed)
it's all fun and games until somebody loses a house, AB.

(, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 17:26, closed)
No, no, no, no!!!
When Amorous Badger isn't pondering the size of my Captain Kirk, people are really quite nice, you just wrote something that made us think of something else, that made us think of something else, etc.

And I admire you for sticking up for your husband. My other half would have left the computer, picked up a ming vase and smashed it over my head simply for having thought that I had thought of thinking about cheating (or even looking at a woman, irrespective of age).

Like an old hippy, I must proclaim, "write on!"
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 19:59, closed)

Dont venture on to /talk please
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 20:19, closed)
"And the carjacker had some sort of glass bottle in his pocket when the door hit him
"and that's why my clothes smell of Kenzo perfume, honestly darling that's what REALLY happened!" *wide eyes, head nodding*
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 20:27, closed)
No dear,
some yobs were throwing stolen lipstick containers at passing cars. I just happen to have been struck by a couple, which landed on my collar, my cheek, and errrr.....
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 20:49, closed)
We're all arseholes on the internet.
Don't take it personally;join in!

Actually, I used to wish hate and itching upon AB, now I'm warming to the bastard.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 21:30, closed)
I made up the same sort of bullshit story once when I cheated on my wife! I would say that you have been made a fool of! I would dump him ASAP and come fuck me!
(, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:58, closed)
But no thanks.

It's one thing to attack me or my hb of lying, even maybe 'oh yeah he was with someone else', but to write 'to distract you from the smell of stale semen and someone else's perfume emanating from his clothes.' I mean really, what the fuck?

And then after this last comment, well, I'm obviously way too sensitive and this is not the site for me. It's not like it'll be a great loss to everyone, I'm sure.
(, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 12:08, closed)
Intelligent women...
...especially of the brand Engineer, are welcome.

Now. To get you started on the right foot here at B3ta, ignore all the meanies and baddies. Next, call me a cunt. For no reason. Just do it.

After that, you're pretty much one of us.

(Don't be too sensitive about what happens on the internet. Internet arsholes only count for 1/20 of a real-world arsehole. That's a FACT.)
(, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 12:46, closed)
I see your point (why are my trousers undone? Oh, I see your point}.

And flattery will get you nowhere, you smarmy cunt (see what I did there?)
(, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 14:38, closed)
What a transformation!
Already got her trousers down and using the c-word.

I remember when she was all sweet and innocent.... those were good ol' days.... I miss them.
(, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 15:56, closed)
I'm of the 'lady' type.
But good use of the word 'cunt'. I award you 8/10, with 2 points deducted for gender confusion.
(, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 16:05, closed)

(, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 16:25, closed)

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