There's a shop next door to my house with a car park round the back.
The entrance road is a couple of feet higher than my garden and there's no wall along the side. Accident waiting to happen.

The other night it did happen: a couple of guys had run out of petrol and were pushing their car along the road past my house. The traffic behind them was getting impatient so they backed it onto the shop's drive. They misjudged it and the two offside wheels slipped over the edge. The car was now precariously balanced - left hand wheels on the road, right hand wheels hanging in space. The whole thing was threatening to roll over sideways into my garden.

I went out, thinking, "There's nothing we can do, we'll have to call out a crane or something. At least I can offer them a cup of tea while they wait - it's a cold night."

It was quickly apparent that they wouldn't be calling any assistance at all. From the way they dressed, spoke, etc. it was clear they were in quite a lower income bracket to me. Probably from the somewhat dodgy estate just up the road. I hate the word chav (it's prejudiced discrimination in my opinion), but I imagine some would be willing to apply it to these two. They were a couple of great guys as it turned out though. Book/cover and all that.

They'd topped up the tank (the petrol station was only another 100 yards up the road), but in their efforts to drive on two wheels had run the battery flat. They had a car jack (sans handle), which clearly wasn't enough to get the car back into place, so I went to see what I could find in the shed.

Inventory: Two car jacks, four bricks, one massive breeze block, two lengths of two-by-four, three old pine book shelves, one steel wheelchair ramp. Edge of road is tatty tarmac on crumbly brick; two-foot drop to muddy grass beneath.

It was like a flipping physics puzzle game! We built precarious towers with jacks on top. We chiseled crumbled brick to make a solid flat surface. We shoved and heaved. We scraped suspension across tarmac. We let down tyres and removed wheels. We panicked ("Let the jack down! Let the jack down! It's sliding - I can't hold it!")

After two hours of hard thought and hard labour we eventually got it back onto the road. We cheered, shook hands. I jump-started their engine and they were good to go.

"Do you drink, mate? Can I buy you anything to say thanks?"

"Ah well, I don't mind a drop of whisky..."

"Nice bottle of Bells then?"

I opened my mouth to say, "well, I'm more a single malt man really" but realised just in time that would have been churlish. "Yeah, that would be great," I smiled instead.

Now I feel awful. This probably wasn't cheap for him but it's wasted on me. But then, it would have been ungracious to refuse a token of gratitude, so I couldn't have done otherwise. I just don't know what to do with this stuff. I've opened it (just to check it's as bad as I remember: it is) so I can't even off-load it as a tombola donation.

Crap. When did I become such a snob?
( teedyay, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 22:08, 15 replies)

Wait until you next have a cold
Them solve two problems with hot toddies.
(BeatsWork, Fri 21 Mar 2014, 22:31, closed)

NO WHISKEY CHAT

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 10:10, closed)

E
( Slippery Mick ‏, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 13:23, closed)

Christ you're dull.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 10:09, closed)

Use it to make whiskey macs.

(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 10:26, closed)

This might help
www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post397133
( Ghoti Fingers, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 10:38, closed)

Ah Porkylips.
The original fat Aussie sex pest on b3ta.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 10:54, closed)

Pour it into a whisky decanter,
and serve it to people who don't know any better when they come round as it'll look posher than Bells. I've been doing this for years.
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 12:58, closed)

This only works on people who delude themselves that single malt is a magically superior drink but actually can't tell the difference in a blind test.
Or 'the human population of the planet'.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 13:13, closed)

What about those of us who drink both single malt and blended whiskies,
and appreciate each on their own merits?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:23, closed)

typical liberal democrat

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:32, closed)

Mix the two together, it lasts longer that way.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 13:38, closed)

typical liberal democrat

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 19:52, closed)

s k
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Sat 22 Mar 2014, 17:53, closed)

Alcohol >= 37%
De-greaser or disinfectant, or flog it for a tenner or so to an alcaholic. I'd still go with the decanter suggestion though.

OK seriously: you don't have tastebuds in your arse so grab some cork, some thin tube, maybe a youtube instructional vid...
(2X4B523P will have 2 and 1 half badgers please!, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 0:00, closed)