From Despair to Where?
I made the mistake of attempting to buy a Dell laptop.

I am told that by and large people have no problems with their computers: everything arrives fine, it (the computer) works straight out of the box, very rarely needs any work doing on it for a long old time etc.

If, like me, you encounter a problem at some stage it is an entirely different story. The actual problem being that the lappy never arrived.

I watched the package tracking for days after the due date - the thing had managed to make it from China to Ireland, Ireland to Birmingham, Birmingham to... umm... Still, not a problem, I'll just ring the customer helpline.

After around an hour on hold I am told that I need to speak to the delivery company instead and the helpful lady even gives me a phone number to ring. Which leads me via a somewhat circuitous route straight back into the Dell Customer Service queue. Hmmm. OK. Spoke to another, slightly less helpful man who tried the same trick, then told me I needed to wait for a bit longer until they could 'declare it missing' and refund my money or send out a new one. Dubious, I nevertheless accepted this for the time being.

The due date, needless to say came and went, prompting more phone calls to Dell's Customer Obstruction Hotline and even an attempt to use the 'IM a Customer Obstruction Representative' feature on the website. I remainined civil and understanding at all points, though even MY saintly patience was being severely tested by the time of the following exchange:

Cunt from Dell: "It says on my computer that they tried to deliver it yesterday and you weren't in."

SJD: "Err, no, I was in all day, besides which it says on the tracking that it's still in Birmingham."

CFD: "No, it was delivered yesterday but you were not in."

SJD: "So who was it delivered to then?"

CFD: "It was delivered to you, yesterday, but you were not in."

Repeat ad nauseum.

After fifteen minutes of speaking to this utter cockwrangle and barely resisting the urge to sandpaper my own face in frustration I hung up, defeated. What to do now? I can't speak to the depot in Brum, I can't get anything even close to sense out of the Dell Hold-Music Hotline, my lovely shiny laptop has vanished into the ether, presumably being held hostage by an equally invisible delivery driver.

Fuck.

The next day, with new resolve I subject myself to more crackly renditions of the Greatest Hits of Hall & Oates via premium rate phoneline and, once again, calmly sate everything that has happened. Miracle of miracles I get someone that thinks they might be able to do something, and within a mere five months I will have my money back! Result! (Well, let's face it, even being treated like a human is a result at this point)

Evetually, money back in bank account, I did what I should have done in the first place and went and got a lappy from the shops. I will never go near Dell again, and have since realised that they have a less than glittering record for customer service. All that remains is to have a little song to the tune of Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues:

I hear my laptop comin'
It's rollin' round the bend,
and I ain't seen the sunshine since I dont know when,
I'm just stuck here on the hotline, an' time keeps draggin on,
And if I speak to Dev in Mumbai, he'll insist it's not gone.

Ever since I was a young boy,
My mother taught me well,
If you buy computers then just stay away from Dell,
Oh I overclocked my hard drive, juuust to watch it fry,
But when I ring that service hotline, I hang my head and cry.

Sorry about the length, it still angries up the blood almost a year on.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Sat 4 Sep 2010, 17:21, 10 replies)

I like to buy things from shops
so I know I'm holding in it my hands, I know it hasn't been thrown about by some cunt, and so I can take it straight back if it's fucked. I like the song, by the way!
( Major Turd for tonight only, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 17:28, closed)

I think this 'actual shop' thing may be the future of retail...
As for the song, thank you, I will get around to recording it and putting it on /links one day for the world of B3ta to despise.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Sat 4 Sep 2010, 17:31, closed)

I think Dell are one of those companies
that prefer to sell business to business. 20 standard build laptops to Mega bastard corp PLC, no problem?
1 laptop to Mr J Public? We only do that 'cos we actually make a decent margin.
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 20:26, closed)

Pay for this sort of shit by credit card
and Section 75 of the Consumer Credit Act 1974 to the rescue!
(TheJacksonSixth, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 13:54, closed)

Lucky escape
Dell laptop batteries are shite. Mine's now got a runtime measured in minutes, my colleague's replacement battery has one measured in milliseconds.
( eXOBeX, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 14:10, closed)

Ouch!
I now realise that the people who recommend Dell probably don't have have one themselves, and have never spent an entire day on hold to speak to them...
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Sun 5 Sep 2010, 14:40, closed)

I have a Dell
And I'd recommend them. They're cheap for what they are and they generally do what they say for much less than the competition.

If you buy Dell, be aware that:

a) The machine will be laden down with crapware - trialware such as antivirus software which is utterly useless. Uninstall anything which nags, pressures or otherwise tries to bother you into "upgrading" to another version. That ESPECIALLY includes any antivirus software and MS Office 60 day trials. Just uninstall that shit and use the free equivalents. MS Security Essentials is a great and free antivirus app.

b) Never buy peripherals or extra memory from dell. Prices are a scam and no doubt Dell sells PCs cheap because people stupidly pile on extras to make up the difference.

c) Keep a track of everything and make sure you report faults as soon as you encounter them.

I avoid bricks and mortar stores like the plague unless you know precisely how much something costs online and are prepared to take the hit. PC World takes the piss with its prices although if you are EXTREMELY lucky and persistent you might get a bargain.

I bought an HP Mini 210 for (at the time) a reasonable £250 from Currys, including a 6 cell battery but I had to run the gauntlet of not onen but two sales drones trying to upsell shit to me and not stopping even when I said no:

1. Would I like MS Office? No thanks. How are you going to write documents? I'll use OpenOffice. Open Office? Yes a free office suite, works great.
2. Would you like a laptop case. No thanks. How are you going to keep your laptop safe? I'll manage somehow. (actually I intended to buy a neoprene sleeve on ebay where they are stupidly cheap compared to the Belkin equivalent).
3. Would you like an extended warranty? No thanks. It covers you for... no thanks. But if your computer was acciden... no thanks.

Got me netbook in the end. Probably could have got it cheaper online with persistence but not a bad price. HP also bogs their machine down with crapware. Must be industry practice but incredibly annoying all the same.
(MagicMoose, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 17:09, closed)

Yes, but...
This is all well and good assuming the thing arrives in the first place, which in my case it didn't. It's not so much the company I'm complaining about as their brain-judderingly awful customer relations policy (presumably identified in the Dell Staff Handbook by the words 'SHOOT TO KILL').
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Sun 5 Sep 2010, 20:10, closed)

I sympathize
Your rights don't fly out the window because it's the internet. I expect as with most automated systems your case is simply too unique for their knowledge base / scripts to deal with and you've fallen through the cracks. The paeons who answer the phones don't have the authority / guile to help and you'll have to speak with a supervisor, or even take it to snail mail.

If they don't offer you suitable redress, take them to the small claims court and force them to refund your money.
(MagicMoose, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 18:44, closed)

their staff don't seem to like the company, either

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 21:07, closed)