In retrospect the Windows 7 Party was a bad idea.
Do you remember those daft adverts? Trying to sell the idea that ordinary people would actually get together to celebrate the release of Windows 7, and party hard by showing each other how to share pictures over WiFi, or something of that nature. For some reason I decided it would be "hilarious" to actually hold one. Proper satirical, dude. Not only that, but make it a really sophisticated Windows 7 party. I laid on a ton of posh booze, and used my not inconsiderable cheffing skills to make a range of delicous vol-au-vents. I was particularly proud of the crab puffs.

I invited a whole host of people, techie and non-techie; I even invited a bunch of Apple fans, figuring it would be churlish and unfair to exclude them from what was essentially an opportunity to make fun of Microsoft. And a surprisingly large number of people actually came. Even Elaine was there; sweet, sparkling-eyed Elaine. She couldn't have cared less about this sort of thing but there she was, which left me with a pleasant ache of hope that she'd actually come because she wanted to spend time with me. I was delighted.

The party got off to a successful start, as we made our way through the instructions in those ridiculous videos. The booze and food were a hit, and Elaine, having no particular interest in the computer stuff, kept herself busy by picking at the spread I'd laid on. She was particularly taken with the crab puffs; in fact, I think she ate the whole lot. Things were going well. Very well. Suprisingly well for a party predicated on a self-indulgent nerd-joke. But I guess people were there to have a good time, so that's what they had.

Fast forward a few hours and things were really swinging. Everyone was drunk, particularly Elaine. Alan, one of the Apple fans, was busy trying to download horse porn onto my laptop. I have no idea what he did to it, but it suddenly blue-screened.

"Hah!" said he. "What a shitty piece of Windows shit!" he gloated.

"Fuck off back to your Baby's First Laptop, you fat Mac twat!" slurred a voice. A beautiful, angelic, drunken voice.

I turned, and there she was. Sweet, wonderful Elaine, pointing and laughing at Alan. And then she looked at me. The smile, that sparkling, knowing smile in her eyes said it all. "I know you," it said. "I understand you. I love you." It was a perfect moment. Utterly, utterly perfect.

A moment which was thoroughly ruined when she shat herself thirty seconds later.

It turned out that in my technophiliac haste to get the party up and running, I had neglected to actually cook the crab puffs. And she'd eaten all of them.

I could only look on in horror as the love of my life was carried out of the party, hooting and shitting, whilst Alan noisily vomited on my brand new Alienware desktop. We didn't see much of each other after that.

And later on my fucking Dyson vacuuum cleaner died. This the third one in a year I mean for fuck's sake they don't make them like they used to you know that man makes it all up as he goes along you know it's a triumph of form over function I bet his next invention will be some kind of plastic anus by god.
(Frank Snow, Fri 30 Sep 2011, 23:17, 6 replies)

Wow

( Major Turd for tonight only, Sat 1 Oct 2011, 0:49, closed)

I s'pose it makes a change from Apple fans shitting themselves at product launch parties.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 1 Oct 2011, 2:24, closed)

Especially with this weather we're having.

(Frank Snow, Mon 3 Oct 2011, 10:09, closed)

I had one of those there parties.
It was an excuse to get people over for drinks and food.
And also because I'd gotten up early one morning and found an email from Microsoft saying I'd been chosen to hold a Windows 7 Party with free copy of Windows 7 Ultimate to demonstrate (and some other free crap which was rubbish).
Still, drinks were fun and the pizza was nice.
My first legit licence since DR DOS many many years before.
(maceie, Sat 1 Oct 2011, 9:11, closed)

I'm going to go with baldmonkey.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 1 Oct 2011, 12:23, closed)

"go with"?
Gay.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sat 1 Oct 2011, 19:26, closed)