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This is a question Crap Gadgets

We wanted a monkey butler and bought one off eBay. Imagine our surprise when we found it was just an ordinary monkey with rabies. Worse: It had no butler training at all. Tell us about your duff technology purchases.

Thanks to Moonbadger for the suggestion

(, Thu 29 Sep 2011, 12:51)
Pages: Popular, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

battery operated glowstick
as a child at disney for the first time, i was so overexcited by the glowsticks that they sell when it turns dark. such beautiful glowing colours. i had never seen anything so cool. they were going to make me look so motherfucking cool at school when i got back. i spent a hefty chunk of my souvenir money on the precious things and loaded them gleefully around my little neck, wrists, ankles... hot pink, electric blue, stinging lime green, acid yellow... i was so, so happy.

and so, so gutted the next day when i got up eagerly to inspect my booty, only to see that they had all died in the night and i just had a series of stupid plastic tubes.

fast forward a hundred years, and the boy wants to take me to a rave. on a boat. now i am not a cool, rave-going kind of girl. i am more a "cheeeeer up sleeeeeepy jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean" at 3am kind of girl. but i wanted to rise to the challenge (and for the record, no pun intended, i'm fucking glad i did, best day out in london EVER. although that may have been the 80 degree sunshine and the unlimited vodka). so i bought battery operated flashing neon glowsticks rather than real ones. these fuckers wouldn't die on us. surely.

my faith was misplaced. they lasted about 2 mins. we spent the rest of the rave looking as if we were wearing tampons around our necks. sadly we were so smashed that this only became apparent on examining the photos the next day.

fucking batteries. fucking glowsticks. fucking useless.
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 14:20, 3 replies)
I've got a gadget that autowrites my QOTW answers for me.
So, there was this guy and he was all up in my face, so I said 'step off, buddy'. I mean, why would people be like that? What's that all about? Enough already! You know what I'm talking about? I've had it up to here! And there's just no need for it. Everyday is just more of the same, and I've had my fill. It get's my goat you know? Everyone's got this attitude and I'm like, chill bro! You feel me? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, I know, right? I've got an idea KNOCK IT OFF! It's like HELLO! I didn't sign off on this. But all this stuff going on, guys on one side saying 'yeah, but what do you think' and guys on the other going 'well, that's not right for me' and I'm all 'yeah, but get over it!'.

With apologies to Andy Daly
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 13:54, 4 replies)
Premium AV cables
Surely the number 1 crap gadget.

As a victim of this in my early naive years, the cash I put down on gold-plated, shielded, extra long cables still makes my blood boil.

They are the ultimate emperor's clothes item, causing you to coo and fawn over an audio or visual performance that usually doesn't actually exist.

Premium HDMI cable manufacturers should all just fuck right off, especially those charging more than £50 per cable. Chancers!
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 13:52, 25 replies)
Gary Glitter
I have to admit, I knew someone who worked as a recording studio engineer and was good friends with him before the allegations of paedophilia. Apparently he'd always be looking out for new and interesting sounds to lever into the records.

From what I was told, he'd always turn up with something he found at a car boot sale for next to nothing, whether it be as advanced as a tape machine with a knackered motor which would give the recording an interesting flutter effect, or a Rubiks Snake which he would use to beat a tom tom. He'd straighten it out and then, due to the way it was put together, it would always twist and change shape creating different sounds, although from what I hear they usually got lost in post-production.

I wish I could remember them all, but these were his two favourite examples of "Crap Gadd Gets."

(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 13:29, 3 replies)
The Neverending story...?
finished after 102mins... what a rip-off...
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 13:09, 7 replies)
Not really a crap gadget but something crap bought from a misleading advert

A friend of mine (Paul)excitedly informed me he was buying a magic mushroom growing kit from an advert in the back of Viz. As with all mail order there was a huge wait for the thing to be delivered, and as the delivery date approached Paul was getting very excited at the prospect of getting a load of hallucinogenic mushrooms without the bother of wandering about welsh hillsides (our usual method)

Then he became quiet about it. Not a mention, very odd I thought so the next time I was round his house I brought it up. He muttered about fucking small print and took me to the cellar in his house where he showed me a tray of button mushrooms growing nicely.

The advert had said

MAGIC mushroom growing kit

does not contain psylocibin producing mushrooms

the twat
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 12:31, 3 replies)
foot spa
did anyone else ever buy their mum one of these as an extremely lazy and thoughtless last-minute birthday/mother's day/christmas present?
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 11:52, 7 replies)
Add a touch of lethal to your children's parties!

Back in the mid 80's, my parents used to do a lot of shopping at Bookers cash & carry. As well as food items in amazing bulk sizes (who in the world would want that many prunes?) they'd also sell 'odd' items on special, a bit like ALDI do. Random items, usually from China.
Anyway, it was my brother's birthday and mum returned from the C&C armed with a round carboard tube, with a wick at the bottom, marked 'PARTY BOMB'.
The idea was simple. A firework full of plastic toys. Light the fuse, a bit of a bang, flying toys, happy kids. Easy.
Mum lights the fuse and (thankfully) makes everyone stand well back. there's a moment of quiet and then


The fucker explodes with amazing force and, as promised, the toys are blown out. Unfortunately the firework is so powerful that most of the toys are blown into splinters. Most of what's left hits the ceiling and shatters. About ten percent survive intact. A week later and a news report confirms that we were one of the lucky groups to escape with our eyes. They were banned straight afterwards.

What better way to celebrate your eleventh birthday than with a perspex shrapnel bomb?
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 11:29, 11 replies)
How to win at fruit machines (not a gadget but...)
"Keep loading the machine up and refuse all wins. Eventually it has to pay you and will spit out jackpot repeaters."

Seemed logical. Sort of.

It didn't work.

Years later I found out it was a scam set up by a couple of fellas who wanted people to load up all the fruit machines so they could play them as opportunists (which is the right way) and empty them.

See You Next Tuesdays.

Edit: forgot to say the brochure with these "secrets" cost £9.99.
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 11:05, 1 reply)
Since this QOTW is a bit shit, I will intervene with a musing of mine that I've been considering for a while.
Mobile 'phone - allows you to 'phone people.

Camera - allows you to photograph people.

But combining the two - without wishing to be Peter Kay here, but ... who the hell thought that combining the two would be a good idea, and why?

The reason I ask, is because invariably the camera is shit and not worth it. If I want to take a picture of something, I'll use my camera. I can't really see a situation where you'd need a camera on your 'phone.

Bloody stupid idea.

And Apple going on about how their 'phones now have a camera on the front and back! Why? Are you going to take a picture of your ear?! You're an idiot if you fall for that being an advantage!

I'm starting to realise why they said all those things about me.
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 10:58, 33 replies)
Those of you who've met me know that I'm a goatee-wearer
It's quite frizzy and wiry, so I bought a special comb to make it more manageable.

All it did was pull like fuck and really hurt my chin, so I don't use it any more - instead, I've trimmed my goatee to a less frizzy length.

It was a really crap beard-calmer
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 10:26, 5 replies)
Money printer
It doesn't print legal tender, which makes it a really bad bread maker.
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 9:50, Reply)
I bought an automatic sausage pusher
and found, ironically, it was better at turning mushrooms.

Unfortunately I'm not fond of mushrooms, so it sits in the cupboard, next to the frankly pointless blood-bath I got from Habitat, gathering dust.
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 9:42, 7 replies)
Playing dice on that current Madonna-alike pop star's favourite mode of international transport.

(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 9:31, Reply)
I never want to purchase an Apple product
So early last year I ordered a cheapo Android tablet off of eBay thinking that I could do something with it, make it usable...

I found one caled an APad, made my order and it turned up a few days later. It arrived in a white box with the Internet Explorer logo splashed all over the front with the name "ePad". I opened the box to discover something that looked like it had been packed in a hurry, the pad was in okay, but the instruction manual looked like it had been sat on, and the power lead was tangled to buggeration.

All of this I could of put up with if it could fill the following requirements, 1. Plays porn, 2. Plays music, neither of which it could do and to cap it off the device was literally falling apart and I could see all the cheap circuitry inside, it was basically a mobile phone with a bigger screen attached to it.

I sent it back and got a full refund, but still refuse to buy an iPad. Go me!
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 8:47, 13 replies)
Bic 4 colour pen.
I have never, ever used the green (and I certainly never inhaled).
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 7:56, 1 reply)
I had an N-Gage once
The phone/games console that forgot it had to be a phone. There was no real way of holding the thing to take a call properly.
Sold on ebay a month later. It will not be missed.
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 7:49, Reply)
Well, I'm faintly disappointed in you all, b3ta.
By now, someone ought to have mentioned Clag-Gone.
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 2:59, 3 replies)
Bed maker
It takes up a lot of room at the foot of the bed and i'm forever stubbing my toe on the foot long motor that juts out from under the bed.
The contempory brushed chrome finish clashes with my rustic cast iron bed.
It takes about 5 minutes to gather the sheet and duvet corners into the crocodile clips and the noise it makes when it grinds into action hasnt scared the cat off yet, as i'm forever having to rescue it from under the tightly tucked in hospital corners.
Not a total waste of money though as the motor produces so much heat, its quite useful in winter, plus the 3 foot 6 long bar that protrudes over the foot of the bed is quite useful for hanging my dressing gown on.
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 1:40, 4 replies)
Phone alarm clocks
I mean, they don't wake you up if your phone battery dies, that's not really a great technologicaladvancementofcombining2thingsinto1 now is it?!
(, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:37, 9 replies)
A guy I knew had a load of gadgets.
Most would have been quite good, but the voice recognition software they used was shit. I lose track of the times he's call for his gadget skates and the umbrella would pop up.
(, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:01, 2 replies)
I was once making a bionic version of a tabanid insect.
So I attached a miniature internal combustion airbreathing duct engine, which turned out to be completely unworkable.

So that was my crap gadjet, you fucking prick.
(, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:52, Reply)
Goat eggs are shit.

(, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:02, 5 replies)
I once bought "How to become Invisible" off of ebay for £2
It was simply a one-page document, which read; "Hide behind things"
(, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 18:19, 6 replies)
is it too early...
I was a drummer in a glam rock band in the 70's. When we were on tour we used to take it in turns to be "the butler" where we would wait on the other band members. It was great way of keeping the egos in check and a little bit of sillyness to break up the monotony of a tour.

One time when it was the lead singer Paul's turn as the butler things went wrong. I asked him to get me a lemonade he got me some hideous cheap brand cola. Gerry the guitarist asked for a cheese sandwich and he gave him tuna, as the day went on it didn't improve. Everything he got was crap. They were crap Gadd gets

Pete Gill

really really sorry
(, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 16:48, 2 replies)
Rbbsh kybrd
bght chp kybrd ff th ntrnt. Bt mgn my srprs whn t rrvd nd nn f th vwls wrkd.
cnt vn wrt n ml t cmpln.

Gv m my vwls y cnts!
(, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 16:42, 10 replies)
My mum's microwave...
... had a timer that you could set in advance. Not a bad idea; you could set it to nuke something nice and hot in time for you coming home from work. Brilliant.

So all you did was set the day, hour and minute you wanted it to switch off at, and the cooking time. You could even set a couple of different cooking times so that it could nuke something, let it stand, then nuke it again. Back up a minute, *day*?

Yes. Day. You could set it up to two weeks in advance.
(, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 15:31, 4 replies)
I bought a machine for making jewellery parts that are then put on string or wire.

(, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 15:26, 2 replies)
Something that I just threw away....
Useless for short hair.
(, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 15:18, Reply)

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