I once
Bought a fountain pen.

Following the instructions from the advert i then forced/jabbed it into a Coke can..

Fucker leaked straight away

bastards
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 6 Oct 2011, 13:43, Reply)

I ordered
one of those 'Beautiful Bums'. You know the things, similar to a 'Pulsating Pussy'; it is so one can enjoy a quick bit of bum fun in their own company.
It was useless, it came with a huge crack in it.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 6 Oct 2011, 13:05, Reply)

I thought ice would jam a hand-cranked food processor I bought
but Rap'Tou crushed that idea...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 6 Oct 2011, 12:48, Reply)

MS Windows
`nuff said?

Edit have just been chided for brevity, having started a detailed rant I cut it to the above.

This my new one from scratch:

It isn`t ronseal, your workflow will turn into a work dribble with all the irritating uncoordinated software teams shit, built on layer after layer of un-debugged code from other attention deficit twats who`ve now left to fuck up other projects.

The objects i want orientation to are quality and reliability, not fucking coin tossing by late binding software to the point of needing a belief in the afterlife `cause that is how late it is scheduled

Those toss-garglers need to have the prospect of a take off and landing in a fly by wire plane relying on their shit to work before it is released to us, and another flight for every bug fix ( but there shouldn`t be any then should there?)

Oh and there should be an open internet connection secured by their firewall and the flight times PUBLICLY logged in advance.

Make the punishment fit the crime.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Thu 6 Oct 2011, 12:03, 6 replies)

I bought a catalytic converter
but they still won't let me be pope.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 6 Oct 2011, 10:06, 7 replies)

Apple products
All those gadgets and not one of 'em could save his life.

Useless.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Thu 6 Oct 2011, 10:01, 9 replies)

please, for the love of the gods, close this question early today.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 6 Oct 2011, 9:08, 23 replies)

adverts
Surely someone must have seen that advert that was on ages ago late at night.

“It slices, it dices….
“Have you seen cucumber cut like this before?
“These onions are perfect for a stew”
“Chips? No problem”

The advert was about 7 mins long and featured a stereotypical cockney market trader who had the best sales pitch in the world, and after 2 mins of watching him cut a carrot to perfection in less than 2 seconds – I was hooked. I had to have one.

JML certainly did their research on this guy before they hired him.


----------------------------------


Out of interest though, did any one remember the advert as follows:

“whats the fastest thing in the world? A plane, A bullet , the earth..”

“The answer is C – The earth, call now for your inventors pack and don’t get left behind”

Did anyone ever get a pack? I have to know….
(Pat mustard, Thu 6 Oct 2011, 8:38, 5 replies)

Rubbish cable story
I was in a tv repair shop looking to buy a coaxial cable to connect the aerial in the lounge to the bedroom...

It wasn't clearly labelled and I couldn't see the male/female connector type through the blister pack, so I was peering at it from all angles...

The very helpful Eastern European lady thought I was inspecting it for quality purposes and in a desperate attempt to close the sale, points at the cable and says "It is good cable! Digital!"

I bought it anyway, and it didn't work.
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 21:52, Reply)

Snooze buttons (or snooze button users)
Alarm clocks are a necessary evil, but snooze buttons are the pits. Just set your frigging alarm for the time you actually need to get up. That way those of us who don't get up have to can continue to sleep without having some shrill fucking ringing noise go off every 10 minutes. Yes, darling who snoozes beside me, I mean YOU!
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 20:38, 4 replies)

Anything with the words..
"Only from JML" in the marketing blurb.
(frightfullybored, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 19:45, 2 replies)

I once bought a device used to convert toxic exhaust emissions from an internal combustion engine into non-toxic substances
but it didn't stop me getting deported.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 17:17, 4 replies)

microwave omelette maker from betterware
i should have known better, i really should.
i followed the instructions precisely, eager to taste the omeletty goodness that would soon be mine.
now, i may be wrong here, but i'm pretty sure omelettes shouldn't be able to double as discuses.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 17:13, 10 replies)

A cautionary tale - sorry for length
It's not that I am accident prone, it's that accidents seem to occur near to where I happen to be. Take DIY, for instance.
Went out to paint the fence one day, having purchased one of those spray pumps and paint for the garden fencing. I personally recommend, particularly if you are easily swayed by television advertisements, you put all notions of technology in the garden to one side and use a brush to paint the fences!
I assembled the pump and filled it with chestnut coloured fence paint, duly primed the pump and pressurized the tank, all well there. After spraying the first panel I was not suitably impressed, but it did work. Anyway, moved to panel 2, just off the patio area and re-pumped to pressurize when, BANG! The pipe came off the pump.
There was fence paint on the roof of the house extension, the conservatory, me, patio doors, patio and a huge radius of garden extending to some 15 feet! I couldn't see, because my glasses were covered (good job I had them on), then it was a toss-up, do I go for the hose to clean up the garden or have a shower first? Well the hose won, and I even had to get the ladders out to get chestnut paint off the roof of the extension and conservatory. Finally, after a couple of hours cleaning I went and had a shower and had to virtually use a brillo pad to get the stuff off, which was well and truly dried. I was still glowing red following all the abrasion, good job I didn't get any down the front of my pants! Jean arrived home and said, have you been in the garden, you look like you've caught the sun. I don't know what stopped me thumping her one! On top of that my eldest daughter remarked as I slumped at the dining table, "Dad, there's still paint on the conservatory roof".
Anyway, that morning there was, what appeared to be, a chestnut hue to a large circle just off the patio, this included plants, grass and various wildlife, like chestnut coloured blackbirds and blue tits, frogs and newts! Oh! Also noticed brown splashes on the guttering and the bedroom windows of the upper floor too.
I was thinking of taking the pump back for a refund, but I doubt whether I could have stood the embarrassment of having to explain. The last straw would have been that the next door neighbour had videoed the event and I would appear on "You've Been Framed", which I suppose would have been OK for a cut of the £250 transmission fee.
Two days later my neighbour, Phyllis, asked if I had been painting with red paint. It transpires she had splashes of fence paint across her windows. She refused my offer of reparation, saying, "No thank you, I'll do it myself". Obviously not impressed with me.
(Hugh Jambton Wun Hung Lo's mate, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 15:40, 5 replies)

I used to work at Maplin
although back in the day when they still sold semi-serious hobby electronic components. Now it is an EMPORIUM DE GADGETTE CRAPPIE. But top of the pops in my day was the 'solar powered plant turner'. Powered by a 0.01W solar panel, this turntable would allow you to make your plants dizzy by rotating them around at about a squillionth of a mile per hour. I can only guess that it was thought to simulate the sun's passage across the sky except that the plant would see it is 'the sun is gyrating in a spirographic pattern which is defeating my attepts at phototropism'. On the box it also claimed that it could be used for 'showing off your ornaments or jewels'- it's not fucking Sale Of The Century mate.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 5 Oct 2011, 15:25, 9 replies)

Bought a crap gadget for someone else
I had forgotten to buy a wedding present for a bloke who I was best man for. As if my being best man wasn't gift enough! I jest.

So at the last minute I rushed into a cheapo kitchen shop and bought a knife sharpener. This was for a couple just getting married, meaning they'd probably been given 5 new sets of kitchen knives.

This was years ago. I heard later that they didn't even take it out of the box for years. And when they did eventually use it, it made a horrible clunking sound and a load of cogs dropped out. So they threw it away. I should have brought them a bread maker.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 15:10, Reply)