No cults. Not by choice.
We have the largest Mormon temple in the country (I think) round here.

But the BASTARDS won't come to my house. Oh you sit and recount about how you humorously despatched the JW's with their tails between their legs, spiked the moonies with ketamine, but you don't know the pain of not having religious idiots to fuck with. I too, want to answer the door with a bloodstained cloak, wielding a butcher knife and screaming 'YESSSSssss, WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IIIIN?!?', or pouring boiling oil on roman catholics (I understand they might probably quite like that). But I can't.

You know the nearest I get to all this? The vicar's bi-annual visits where I make him tea and try and get amusing innuendo into the conversation. 'So, how's your bishop?' 'I'm impressed at how you come so regularly'. etc. See? Crap, isn't it?

Bugger it. I'm off to join the moonies. At least I might have some fun then.

Sulking. Selfish yank bastards.

(on an entirely related note, it is a local sport in these parts, when approached by the mormons, say you'd very much like to hear what they have to say, would they PLEASE come round later (preferably during Eastenders), and give a friends name and address. First one to have a psychotic breakdown loses.)
(ArfurDaley Must try harder., Fri 27 Jan 2006, 21:24, Reply)

Corporate brainwashing
HSBC keep phoning me asking if i want "their new current account, with competative intrerest rates, buy now in the half-price sale" (obviusly a subtle euphemism for enternal life and God's love)

The pressure is starting to get to me, i might crack...what if i dont buy in the half-price sale, i might have to pay more for my money!!

I'd apologise for length, but The Church of the Local Bank is calling...
(Hot Lemon, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 20:38, Reply)

I've had a few brushes
I joined a Christian Youth Fellowship once when I was about 16, I was an atheist ostensibly it was a way to meet girls and socialise, I knew quite a few people who went. On my first weekend away with them, they decided to re-enact a morality play around me where one of the older lads - I'll name him as Lee Plummer, as he was a fucking cunt* - tried to convince me that he was selling drugs. When I asked "What kind of drugs?" he was like, "You know, drugs." Riiiiight, I thought. Then this girl, I think it was Vicky Sheppard (who had grassed me up to the missus for getting off with someone else a couple of months earlier) came in and started acting all strung out. And he was pretending to sell her stuff, but all the time they kept looking over at me, as if to make sure I was getting all this. Then the play progressed to the weirdest stage - they were trying to convince me that Vicky was dead in the outside toilet and that Lee had strangled her or something. And I'm kind of like, "What the fuck are you doing? Is this for my benefit, 'casue if it is, you can just stop now. But no, they wouldn't stop, they kept on with their little play saying "Vicky's dead, what do you think about that?" And to be honest I probably didn't help myself by saying I was kind of glad. What made it particularly traumatic was that they wouldn't stop when I asked them to, I was miles away from (real) friends and family, trapped with these lunatics, and...well, what was the point of this exercise? It's not like I was going to turn around and suddenly go: "Wait I was wrong, God and Jesus do exist after all!"

Anyway, 10 years later, and I'd forgotten all about this weekend until a particularly lethal dose of liquid acid drew it back into my consciousness, thus sparking off one of the very worst trips of my life. For a couple of months afterwards I thought I was going mad with all these ideas of "Christians in disguise trying to test my morality", until I bumped into a friend who had been at the same YF and told me she had the whole weekend written up in her diary and could even confirm the names of the people who were in my particular "morality group".

Incidentally, I attended some of her pagan ceremonies (much more fun, alcohol and nudity) later and the two of us often discussed setting up a cult together. It never happened, but it could have been great.

[edit] I am also a member of Join Me and have a friend wo was raised in the Family - that's a real free love/Christianity cult, and I'd advise anyone to steer well clear. Very scary stuff.

*he was also responsible for ripping my PWEI "sample it, loop it, fuck it and eat it" faux Pepsi logo shirt.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 20:15, Reply)

No.
oh shit, sorry - that was last week wasn't it?
( Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 20:08, Reply)

We get lots of cults round at our house
There's the common spotted Chav but they tend to just shout and fight on the street outside.

There's a lovely gentleman who comes round trying to get people join the Jehovah's Witnesses but he basically hands you a magazine which has some gardening tips and recipes, reads some general religious spiel from his book (last time it was how angels will look after good people) then just chats about anything. He knows I'm not really interested and I'm too polite to shut the door in his face but I don't mind.

A couple of well dressed gentlemen came round cavassing for the Mormons once. I thought they were the Jehovah's Witnesses and they seemed to get a bit upset that I accused them of being so!

I'm quite happy being in the cult of sitting on the fence.
( thistle, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 19:56, Reply)

Friendly Cult
Whilst in Byron Bay Australia, I joined something called 'The fairly sirius church of the occasional giggle' It was run by a canadian ex-preacher who changed his name to 'beautiful' in return for some used stamps with your hobbies written on the back, 'Beautiful' would then perform a small ceremony in which I recieved my 'spiritual name', 'The Lot'. It was all done in fun, and Beautiful is genuinely one of the nicest blokes in the world, he is very funny and positive and not in the least bit sinister. I beleive he has now relocated to BOndi Beach Sydney, so if your out there check him out, he is a leg-end!!!
(lankynyack, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 19:31, Reply)

No, but my mum is
After growing up catholic and then converting to Judaism for 20 years, then getting sick of that, my mum found spirituality in a new community that is a bit....wierd.

We don't really know/comment about what she does every sunday now, but here's one of my(only) brushes with this culty-type church:

I was in town and my mother had asked me to help decorate for this large party she was putting on (she moonlights as an event planner so this is nothing out of the ordinary)
..I didn't know it was for her church at the time

I get there and immediately everyone in the vicinity gathers around me. my mum comes up, introduces me, and the maybe 5-6 people by me surround me in a big group hug. they introduce themselves while in this position.
feeling not a little bit awkward, I say hello and get on with helping out putting up decorations, wiring lighting, etc.

The problem was that people would stop, join hands, and say a prayer before EVERYTHING. I mean everything: "Oh Spirit, help me lay the tablecloth properly." "Oh Spirit, aid me in hanging this spotlight." "Oh Spirit, I thank you for allowing me to arrange these appetizers in an appealing fashion."
The job must have taken at least an extra couple of hours than it should have to set up.

Luckily I did my bit and left post haste. My mum was quite annoyed that I didn't stick around for the party, though.
(IsDelicious, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 19:27, Reply)

I think Jack Chick...
...may be starting to lose it.


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 19:15, Reply)

you're gunna buuuuurn
At school another kid told my little brother "you're gonna burn". Not in a concerned way, in a 'ha ha' way.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 19:10, Reply)

I was in the Rainbows
Then Brownies
then Girl guides.

All we did was get yelled at for forgetting saints days, made to march to church on the rainiest sundays of the year, shared sick jokes, chased each other with scissors and plot revenge on the slappers that attacked/pissed us off

The only way I escaped was I split my knee open on the trip to the leasure centre where i was rescued by a rather nice lifeguard. My excuse for not wanting to go back and my mum agreed

They were all bitches, except for that rather big girl who could fit her glasses in her mouth, she was cool
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 17:46, Reply)

there here
i have never been in a cult personally but i have had the people knockin gon my door asking me to join. one in particular comes to mind. i can't remember what he wanted me to join but he reminded me of the human form of poltergeist from the film poltergeist 2.

i answered the door an he smiled at me in a creepy way started blabbin on bout his cult then sed in the most similar voice "join me child" to which i refused and shut the door.

well actors join cults all the time.
(torture bunny lives under the kitchen sink, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 17:35, Reply)

24/7 continuous prayer
There were a group doing the 24/7 prayer thing at our work for a while - I think the continual nature of it must be sort of brainwashing.

I happened to pass the room it was taking place in and popped my head round the door.

It was like something from the book Snowcrash by Neal Stephenson.

All, nodding and praying away. Oh well, I'm sure they would listen to Reason...
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Fri 27 Jan 2006, 17:24, Reply)

oh, another one
I went through a stage of really really believing in God (I still do), which might had had something to do with having a crush on an extremely Christian feller at Uni...

Started going to All Soul's, Lagham Place (London), where another friend went. She assured me it was friendly, and in fact she did meet her now husband there.

It wasn't friendly though. They stared at me when I laughed at the crap "worship songs", they harrumphed at me when I was discomfited by their "gays are evil" rants, and they tried to save me when I said I thought sex before marriage was fine and my own business thankyou very much.

Stopped going, and my sense of self-worth improved greatly.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 17:22, Reply)

Alpha Course
yup, I've nowt but bad things about these things.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 17:18, Reply)

I once went vegan
but remembered I worked at a steakhouse, oh and we took my ultra conservative Jesus Injecting buddy to a titty bar for my birthday. Oh, how we laughed when he realised the Admiral Theatre wasn't really a pirate themed lounge...*sigh*
(The Horizontal Monster Mash Mr. T Pitties Me, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 16:51, Reply)

I've always wondered...
...what happens on those Alpha Course seminars that I've seen trendified posters for whilst about the town.

Wouldn't set foot in them myself as my beliefs state that religion is utter nonsense and I'd probably lose my temper with prolonged exposure (prolonged in this case being 2, maybe even 3 minutes), but I wonder still.

Does anyone have any experience with those? I'd really like to know :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 16:51, Reply)

I recently joined a cult...
Its full of these strangely talented people who obviously have nothing better to do than stay up till 4 in the morning making funny pictures and talking about random things…

Strange bunch…

{Edit} Strange... My F5 button seems to be broken...
(AzureFox 'if it has tits or an engine it will be trouble', Fri 27 Jan 2006, 16:33, Reply)

Preying Cultists
When I was a wee bit younger (sort of 18-24ish) I was from time to time waiting in bus stations overnight or stuck with nowhere to sleep in a strange town. One thing I noticed, wherever I was, is that there are people around who make a beeline for youngish people in this situation.

I would be asked if I had anywhere to go and they would then offer to take me somewhere in their van (always dented old vans or minibuses). I never took anyone up on any of these dubious offers and found that the occasional night sleeping rough is infinitely preferable to be taken who-knows where by strange men in battered vans.

One of the repeat offers of assistance (or should that be insistence) came from the Jesus Army. The camo-clad followers of that lot really, really wanted to take me somewhere in their minibus. Maybe they were well meaning, maybe it would have been fine but I had visions of barbed wire, indoctrinations and bottom abuse.

If they really wanted to bring me closer to their faith, a nice hot cup of tea would have done wonders for my opinion of their group.

"Are you sure you don't want to come somewhere nice with us in the van?"

"Um, yes. I'll just stay here where there are lots of people about, cheers".

In the US some religious groups used to use a technique called 'Flirty-Fishing', where the more attractive members of their sect were sent out into the world (i.e. bars and clubs) to chat up the opposite sex and bring them closer to the Lord. By shagging them. AIDS paranoia stopped this for a bit, don't know if it has started up again.

Why did no one ever try that on me? That's a rhetorical question btw.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Fri 27 Jan 2006, 16:31, Reply)

I'm a dyslexic devil worshipper
I sold my soul to santa
(loquis, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 16:22, Reply)

cult cunts
what with school being deadly boring sometimes, me and two other mates had a bright idea of creating our own cult/religion, its called bungfaddy-we have a symbol (a naked woman wearing cowboy boots and hat sitting on a giant turtle) and a sacred song and dance, its quite fun, i also want to be a member of join me, but its not a cult, apparently its a collective
(muggins im afraid dave.my mind is going, i can feel it, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 16:08, Reply)

Not a very dangerous cult, but
I was involved for some time with the Friends of the Western Buddhist Order, who are a rather dodgy outfit. They are a mish-mash of people who practice 'Western Buddhism', which is a rather nonsensical concept itself. Although they were fairly sincere, most members seem deeply unhappy, and not many seem to actually achieved much insight at all. Rather disturbingly, they open places called "Buddhist Centres" in towns, giving the impression that they are in some way representitive of all the Buddhist community, which is certainly not the case.

I now am a member of a group that's actually got a proper lineage and very good teachers, and I recommend doing the same.
(MSB Load universe into cannon. Aim at brain. Fire., Fri 27 Jan 2006, 16:01, Reply)

Scientology
My lovely friend married this twat of a bloke, and they (read he) decided to become scientologists. He basically turned my easily-manipulated and trusting friend into a freak.

Apparently, after she had her 1st child (silently, of course - you're not allowed to make a sound if you're a scientologist), they cooked and ate the placenta. They offered it around the next day as well, and my mother (who was there) politely declined.
(8-Ball, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 16:01, Reply)

Feel the Force
A very sad mate of mine believes in the "force" (as in Star Wars for all you slow people).

A few years back he got together with a band of what can only be described as "wtf" and they had little Jedi meetings. They all took up martial arts, meditated, and wore only ninja type clothing. Mate in question, lets call him John (sorry John) didn't get the whole ninja thing right. He went out and bought some baggy clothes all right.

Khaki combats, Khaki plimsoles, and a Kahki short sleve shirt. It being a hot day and all he decided to buy a hat.

Khaki. Round top and wide brim.

Think of a colonial tiger hunter from India circa 1900.

Oh how we laughed, "Obi wan Del Monte" we called him.

To this day he practises his odd fetish. Get a few jars in him and he will wax philisophical about the force and all that pap.

It's long and I don't care.
( Mastic, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 15:54, Reply)

Last Sunday
Last Sunday I felt oddly obligated to attend the blessing service of two acquaintances who are off to Rwanda, complete with 3 & 5 year old children in tow, to teach the bible to the Rwandans. Apparently listening to a middle class white man shout the scriptures at you in an open-air arena diminishes your chances of falling victim to any simmering tribal hatred that may rear its ugly head (again).

The visiting preacher had his eye on me as a pagan (or was that just my paranoia?) while he spat his fire, brimstone, and frankly, religious bigotry against Muslims (in particular). Utterly charmless, and in every aspect that I can think of, qualifying the whole monstrous shooting match as a bona fide cult.

Those of you tired of answering your front door to fervent young men in ill-fitting suits of an early Saturday morning may wish to post a notice by your door. The best example I've seen was Kaikhosru Sorabji's, which read:

NO FLAG DAY OR
CHARITY TOUTING
NO HAWKERS, PEDLARS
OR CANVASSERS
POLITICAL OR OTHER.
GENUINE CATHOLIC
i.e. ROMAN SISTERS
WELCOME

But then, I think we all love a nice nun...
( petuniadb, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 15:45, Reply)

Bossypops
Landmark forum - yep, that rings a bell, them's the fuckers.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 15:12, Reply)

soapy norris i know what you mean
was it THE LANDMARK FORUM???? oh yes i bet it was. Jesus fucking christ. Met this tasty young filly at a party and as i hadn't had any for a year or so agreed to come to a 'meeting' with her 'friends' to discuss 'life'. this was our date. I turn up, see her in her gold badge and without the beer goggles realise she's practically anorexic and that this is more than a meeting of 'friends'. the rest of my story goes like yours.

I ended up running from her bug like gaze and
having a much needed pint on my own.

never go to THE LANDMARK FORUM. the saddest bunch of cunties i've ever encountered.
(bossypops, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 15:05, Reply)

I joined a cunt...
A couple of years ago, while my job was getting me down, a friend of mine told me about this great place where you could make new friends and have a laugh. Obviously, I was a bit wary at first, but when I first visited this place I really enjoyed it. They have a way of making you feel really welcome by insulting you in a funny way. It really works! It wasn't until much later, perhaps six months or so, that I worked out the hirarchical structure of the group. It soon became obvious that a group of 'elders' had been there longer and therefore know the indoctrination better than the rest. It was they who kept us all on the straight and narrow. Then it started going wrong for me. I was hanging around there all the time. I even skipped work to be around the others. I'd visit before I went home at night, every night. I'd pop in in the morning and at lunchtime. It got too much. Then my girlfriend found out about it and she was disappointed in me. She sorted me out. She told me that real life is more important than some Digital Arts Community. And you know what, she was right*!

*wrong, obviously...
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 15:01, Reply)

Closet
Scientology is not a cult, also i'm not coming out of the closet

Love & Hugs
Tom Cruise

ps Can i come jump on your sofa pleeze
(loquis, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 14:54, Reply)

I never joined a cult..
..but at Lancaster Uni were tried to create our own. It started when we were bored one day and said "yes please" when the 'elders' from the church of later day saints (Mormons) asked if they could have a chat. Long story short we received our very own copy of the book or Mormon (cleverly title 'another testament of Jesus Christ').
The idea really happened when the next day some bog-standard Christians called round. After a long chat and discussion we managed to swap our Mormon book for a new testament and the following day repeat the exercise with our shiny new testament, the book of Jehovah and some witnesses!
This was the inspiration we needed: convinced the solution to religious conflict was to unify all the many faiths we continued to swap the various books from visitors at out door, eventually managing to trade nearly every major religious text for another one. Ultimately our quest to get them all to read each others books and agree a common ground failed because we were just too lazy to do any more than answer our door and argue when diagnosis murder wasn't on the tv...

No apologies for the lack of apology concerning length or girth...
( Manofmilk walks without rhythm but still attracts the worm, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 14:50, Reply)

I was in a cult once . . . kind of.
In my school days I used to hang around with a small group of friends, one of whom was a pretty tart. She used to take the lads up on to the playing fields and we'd all follow her. As she stood there trying to look cool and impressing the guys from the years above we decided it was time to worship our "God" and began taking part in a ritual known as 'Glory Glory 5p'

This ritual consisted of taking a five pence coin and burying it into the ground whilst two other danced round the burrier singing "Glory Glory 5p". Once the five pence was burried each participent poured a slight amount of bubblegum flavoured 'Panda Pop' on to the fresh mound and then continued dancing and singing.

For the more extravagant there was also the "Glory Glory 10p" ritual, and for those days when money is tight, "Glory Glory 2p".

Did we do all this because we were jelous? Hell no, we were too immature for that, we of course did it for the look of horror and disbelief that fell upon her face and the face of her freshly chosed lad.
( Fluffy elephants, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 14:46, Reply)