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This is a question Darwin Awards

Bluffboy says: My mate cheated death and burned his eyebrows off looking down the barrel of a potato gun. Tell us about your brushes with the Grim Reaper through stupidity.

(, Thu 12 Feb 2009, 20:01)
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Trains, Coke Bottles and Head
Back when I was a student I would regularly take the train from Manchester down to Coventry to see the folks.

On one such occasion it was a blisteringly hot day, I had a bit of time to kill, so stopped off for a few pints in the pub next to the station. Afterwards, feeling good with the world, I went to Manchester Piccadilly and boarded my train.

Everything was going swimmingly until I got to Macclesfield. That's when the four pints I'd quaffed had passed trough my system and decided they wanted to make a speedy exit. Leisurly, I got up from my seat and went to find the bogs-

-but the bogs were out of order.

Nevermind, I thought, just go to the next carriage. Several minutes later, being tossed about by the movement of the train which was doing no good at all to my bladder, I was stood infront of another set of toilets. And these one's had the familiar out of order sign and a fucking big lock on the door.


This went on for the entire length of the train. I knew something was amiss as some other passangers were doing the same thing.

"Fucking British Rail!" Someone said as I passed, "The guard told me they were running late and didn't have time to service the toilets in Manchester. We're gonna have to wait til we get to Crewe, then they're gonna hold us up for half an hour while they sort um out."

CREWE!!! Fuck me, that's a good hour away!

Grumbling to myself I returned to my seat, planted myself down, and tried to take my mind off my bladder by looking out the window.

And all I seemed to see were rivers, streams, babbling-fucking-brooks, and the occasional Evian lorry...


The four pints of Stella were starting to expand my bladder to the size of a football.

Jesus, I REALLY NEED TO PISS!!! I thought.

I considered doing it out the window, but the windows were those small ones which were far too high for me to get to anyway. I even considered finding a quiet spot somewhere in the carriage and pissing on the floor. Hmmmm, might just come to that....

And then I saw it.

Lying under the seat across the way, all lovely and glistening in the shafts of sunlight through the window.

Yes!!! Salvation!!!

As nonchalantly as possible when you're carring several gallons of piss, I sidled over and scooped up the empty Coke bottle. Returning to my seat I considered if I could get away with this. It was a pretty empty train, thankfully. There was an old lady in the seat in front, a couple over near the exit, several assorted families - it was half term, after all.

Then another thought struck me -

Do I really want a stranger's spit on my cock?

Shrugging, it'd never really stopped me before, what the hell.

I very carefully unzipped my fly, felt around for Mr Wee Wee, and pulled him free. I looked up, checking that no one had spied me. All clear.

I grasped my bell end and directed my japs eye into the bottle. And the RELIEF!!! I was suddenly very away of the gurggling, splashing noise. I directed my cock so the jet hit the sides of the bottle. Looking down I noticed I was managing to spray piss in my lap. Not good. It took some effort but I managed to ram the tip, just the tip, of my cock into the bottle, the rest of my bell end went a strange colour purple and started to swell round the lip as I tried to fit something considerably larger than a Coke bottle neck into a Coke bottle neck.

Then something fucking weird happened.

There was a terrible suction effect and in a flash my entire cock was in the bottle, swimming about in my own piss. It looked a bit like an incredibly fucked up ship in a bottle, only with cock instead. It was absolute fucking AGONY, as my cock was considerably thicker than the Coke bottle neck. It was being strangled at the base near my balls, while in the main vessel of the bottle my cock started to swell due to the strangulation further down. My wee chap looked rather like a pickled gerkin (a fucking large one, mind) in the jar at the chip shops through the murky yellow piss water.

Oh, FUCK!!!

I looked up - still fine, no one had noticed anything suspicious. So, I looked back down at the Twin Peaks moment in my lap. My cock was getting bigger. The heat of my own piss was waking the little fella up.

Oh, SHIT!!!

I pulled harder and harder and I could feel him getting harder and harder, and all the time the constriction on the base of my cock became more and more intense as the plastic effectively strangled and mangled me.

The pain was out of this fucking world. It was so fucking bad.

Someone walked past with a little kid to go to the buffet car. I hastily managed to cover my shame (or should that be pride), smiled at them, and then carried on tugging once they'd gone.

Oh, shit! What am I gonna do? I thought, looking down at my proud manhood, hard as rock, stuck inside a Coke bottle filled with my own piss.

I could fucking end up causing myself some serious harm here, I thought. Suction and cocks in certain situations is not good. I imagined I'd become an unwitting eunuch, or at least need some skin grafts; I wondered how much force my cock could take before it actually broke.

I sat in contemplation for a few minutes. My erection was getting stronger, if anything. I tried to think about Margaret Thatcher, but that just didn't seem to do the trick. The rythmic sloshing of warm piss with the rocking of the train and the weird strangulation effect were doing erotic things to my wee chap.

Only one thing for it, Spanky, I thought.

So, looking round even more, I started to rub the bottle up and down my shaft as best as I could. It was a bit like trying to free a geenie from a lamp, only involving my cock and a bottle full of warm piss. And it was INCREDIBLY PAINFUL!!! Most painful wank of my life, and God knows I've had plenty of those.

After a few minutes, looking over my shoulder for the return of the kid and parent from the buffet car, almost whimpering and passing out with each stroke, I squirted a healthy portion of cock snot into the bottle. The most difficult part was not making a sound, I had to bite down hard on my lip. And as inevitably as the tide and the seasons, my cock started to soften and I was able to, with incredible pain and discomfort, pull him out. There was a loud POP!!! Which caused the old woman in front to look round and give me a stern look. God, if only she knew...

My parents met me at the station in Coventry. Hugs all round (despite the overpowering smell of urine). When we got to their house my mum offered to wash my backpack, but I really didn't think she'd fancy finding a Coke bottle full of her son's piss and spunk inside, so I declined.
(, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 0:56, 15 replies)
Reminds me of a time...
I was on a cross trainer at the gym and the pleasing friction between bell-end and shorts resulted in a similar situation.

(, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 1:32, closed)
Have a clicky...
..I was drinking coke as I was reading this. Think it's best if I leave it on the side for a while.
(, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 2:17, closed)
Pictures or it didn't happen?
(, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 3:21, closed)


Most people cant fit their fucking thumb in a coke bottle!
(, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 7:32, closed)
a bit mental, arn't you??? *click*
(, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 11:22, closed)
I may actually have made a choked snorting noise upon reading this.
(, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 11:46, closed)
I'm not sure I have any words to describe this story
(, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 12:17, closed)
I'm now laughing like a madman. Nice one.
(, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 12:19, closed)
your cock
must be tiny!
(, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 13:46, closed)
Catholic cock-shitting Christ....
You ain't half doing wierd things to my facial muscles Spanky :-S


I think this week's front page will be a spanky white wash.
(, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 15:00, closed)
I almost wet myself reading this. Fortunately in the comfort of my own home :)

Was it something like this (SFW)?
(, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 16:04, closed)
have a click
(, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 17:04, closed)
Fucking hell :D
I don't care if this is true or not, it's the funniest thing I've read this week. Well played :D
(, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 0:29, closed)
Gtes my click...
For the proper big office laugh it just gave me :|
(, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 12:38, closed)
Jees I hope this isn't true.
The things you do to your nether-regions, I'm surprised you can still walk. Expertly told.
(, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 18:02, closed)

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